Wills & Finances

[callofthewild]

DH has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship and we then have 2 DC together. We own a house jointly (although on balance I have probably contributed around 65% of the equity / mortgage/ overpayments over the years). I then have a flat from before I met DH and he still owns the former marital home from his first marriage.To my mind in our will each of our halves of our estate should be split between our biological children ie mine is split between my two DC and his half is split 3 ways. When I've mentioned this before to DH he's reluctantly agreed but I can tell he's not happy about it. SDC is unlikely to inherit much from her DM / her maternal family but I don't see that it's my responsibility to make up for that. To add a bit more general context it would be fair to say I have contributed significantly more money into our marriage than DH and I don't see why my DC should miss out later down the line especially as DH has had a hugely negative impact on our finances over the years (which is a whole other thread but leaves me increasingly resentful). I'm just curious as to how others would approach this, thanks.

This is the point though. It doesn't need to be 'more complex'. Every child has two parents. Some children won't inherit from one or even both of their parents. That's life. Some children will. Not everything is exactly fair all of the time. He had children with two different women, those women may be able to provide different things to their different children at different times. If he didn't want that, he shouldn't have had children with another woman. It's not her job to sort that out.

They aren't growing up together. In most cases there is probably an age gap. They may not be there 100% of the time. They usually aren't adopted by the stepparent.

To be honest I can see why your DH would want to level the playing field if his child from a previous marriage is unlikely to inherit from her mothers side. Let’s say your estate is £300k between you, that would mean each of your children receive £125k whilst DSD gets £50k, I can see why your husband would be uncomfortable with that as they’re all his children and I’m sure he wants to see them on an even playing field financially, regardless of who their mother is.

What’s the discrepancy between the value of your flat and his former marital home as that could be relevant?

Always about the money with some people
Absolutely right. Step parents need to butt out, tow the line, stay in their lane, not overstep, keep their opinions to themselves but serve on demand every day of their lives then all of a sudden they die and their money must be shared equally between all the children.
Right 👍

Thankfully OP this is one of those things that is completely within your control in regards to step parenting. He cannot force you to leave equally to his child. I wouldn't and it would be my hill to die on personally.

I also have life insurance policies to pay out to my children not step children. My DSCs parents are welcome to do the same if they like.

No, he’d be levelling the playing field by distributing his share of the assets unevenly, the OP is free to do as she chooses with her share of the pot.

And yet if DSCs mother has loads to leave them it's always 'its none of your business what their mother leaves them, their dad should treat them equally regardless'.

Therefore it works the other way too imo. It's none of my business what their mum can or can't leave them and likewise it's no one's business what I can or can't leave to my child either. No way am I making up, to the detriment of my children, for the fact another woman can't leave anything to her children.

In all other areas of mn and rl step dps have no say. Until money is mentioned and then you are expected to cough up. Double standards op. Provide for your own dc.
The dc have 2 dps to provide for them.

No life isn't fair, but as a parent we try to cushion our children from that don't we, and we try not to amplify the unfairness of life through our actions.

That can mean treating our DC according to their needs, rather than treating them exactly the same in all situations.

That's not what he's asking. He's asking them to split everything (including OPs share) evenly. That is expecting OP to level the playing field so he feels better.

And you're right, her husband can do whatever he wants. But don't pretend for a second poster's would be saying that in reverse. If their mother had loads to leave and the father was suggesting he should cut DSC out of his will to level the playing field for his new DC everyone would be saying how terrible that was because he should treat them equally regardless of their mother.

Same with maintenance, it doesn't matter how much money their resident parent has (say mother for argument's sake), he should still provide equally for his kids. She could be a millionaire and people would still think he should provide for his children (rightly so). No one would be suggesting he should stop paying maintenance so he could spend the money on his new children instead to try and 'level the playing field'.

To be fair, I do think it would be fair for the husband to drastically reduce the DSDs share if she was set to inherit a large sum from her maternal side which would make it really uneven, as long as it was explained and she wasn’t just randomly cut out.

Good points.

You may but I imagine the vast majority on here wouldn't.

Always about the money with some people. this is a thread about wills and finances so yes it is about the money..

If I were one of the younger DC and I could see that my father had engineered a situation where the outcome was that each of us got say $100k from the household pot, I'd understand completely what he'd done there and why. There is no way I'd be stamping my foot and saying, "that's not fair! To prove he loves us all equally, Our older sibling should get less than us so we can have even more!"

Always about the money with some people

And this is hilariously ironic.

Yes it is always about money when it comes to step parenting. That's the only time people tend to think you should treat them like your own 😂

Bank of stepparent.
Dontcha know.

That's not what he's asking. He's asking them to split everything (including OPs share) evenly. That is expecting OP to level the playing field so he feels better.

I don’t think this is clear from the OP. The OP says he’s not happy about her splitting her share two ways and him splitting his share 3, I’ve taken that to mean he’d want to split his share unequally because it would be ridiculous for him to expect to dictate what the OP does with her share! Perhaps the OP could clarify?

That and bloody holidays.

But not tooooo fancy a holiday or you're showing off

We divided our assets in half and mine went equally to our kids and DH's was split between our kids and his kid. In the beginning he was outraged that I wasn't going to share my half with his daughter but that was never going to happen.

SC won't be inheriting anything much from her mother but that's not my problem.

And if my husband decided to split his share unequally between all of his children, I'd be taking out a life insurance policy for the amount they'd be losing through his unequal treatment personally.

We've divided ours in half and my entire half is going to my child, dhs is split equally between his children. Dsc has a mother and it's none of our business what he may or not inherit from her.

I don't see why my child should get less from me because DH chose to have more than one child, thankfully, neither does he.

We own our house 50/50. Mine goes to my DC, his split equally between all of his. It’s the only fair way.

I think you're right OP - that's the fair way to do it. But I would leave a specific amount for a stepchild - £10,000? - so that they can see you cared for them and acknowledged their importance to you, but understood that they would be provided for by their two parents.