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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DP and ex

56 replies

UneasyMe · 21/08/2022 18:45

DP and I have been together for three years and we’re very happy together day-to-day. We both have young children from our previous relationships who we share care of with our respective exes. We don’t live together and we’re both happy with that.

His relationship with his ex-W is good: they cooperate well with their kids, they are respectful towards each other, they are friendly. I’ve always seen that as a good thing… But now they’ve gone on holiday together, they will share a twin room, and I just feel horrible. I raised this with him and he reassured me that there’s no attraction, it’s for the kids, I must trust him. But I feel uneasy and tearful.

OP posts:

misssunshine4040 · 21/08/2022 18:47

I don't blame you, a twin room is so inappropriate and I would be happy with that. However, they could still get together even if he had his own room .
I don't understand people who split up doing joint holidays etc it's just so so confusing for the kids

HandbagAtDawn · 21/08/2022 18:49

It’s confusing and unboundaried for everyone and especially unfair on you.

Perhaps you should tell him that since his holiday was such a success, you’ve decided to do the same with your ex. See how he feels about that.

DenholmElliot1 · 21/08/2022 18:54

She hasn't got a new partner has she? This'll only stop when she gets a new partner.

Have some respect. Don't let YOUR boyfriend go on holiday and share a room with another woman.

SudocremOnEverything · 21/08/2022 18:54

even though pretty much anyone would be uncomfortable with this, you’ll get people making out you’re unreasonable and need to get a grip.

But no. It’s clearly not at all reasonable. Separate rooms if they must go on a holiday together (and, really, that may be more confusing for the kids than anything else).

It’s not going to get better. I’d be evaluating whether I wanted to feel like the second most important woman in his life any longer, if I were you.

It’s fine if separated parents want to maintain this kind of closeness and enmeshment in their lives. But I think they need to accept that they will be remaining single because another adult deserves more from a relationship than they’re offering.

DenholmElliot1 · 21/08/2022 18:54

Have some self respect that should say.

lunar1 · 21/08/2022 19:01

This isn't ok at all, parents should find a way to be polite to their ex, to be able to do an hour or so together for a birthday or school play.

This is crazy and so confusing for the children. It's completely disrespectful to your relationship. I have no idea how you can ever trust him after this.

RedWingBoots · 21/08/2022 19:06

You feel uneasy an tearful because he has deliberately overshot a boundary.

How is with ensuring he sees his children on a schedule?

If he only sees his children when his ex says or not on a predictable schedule then you need to dump him.

Otherwise you will have decades of grief from him about not liking his children, and then his children will give you and yours grief due to their mental health issues.

Canihaveacoffeepleasexx · 21/08/2022 19:13

I wouldn’t be ok with this at all. I mean, people are right, it doesn’t matter if they are sharing a room or not as they could still get together regardless. However I would not be ok with my other half going away with his ex. I think it’s disrespectful and if he has moved on and you get along with his children you should be holidaying together, as you are a family with his and your children. I never had a holiday with both my parents and it didn’t do me any harm. I think it’s crossing a big boundary and I would see it as really disrespectful. As other people said, I bet that would stop once she is with someone else.

that being said, it’s your relationship and if you are comfortable with that situation that’s absolutely fine although I feel like he should have got a separate room at the very least.

cannypants · 21/08/2022 19:16

I'd not be happy; seems completely unnecessary

Cupofteaonesugar · 21/08/2022 19:18

cannypants · 21/08/2022 19:16

I'd not be happy; seems completely unnecessary

I agree.
It sounds like you're supporting him a lot by cooperating with a positive co parenting situation which is great!!! But they could've got separate rooms. You deserve respect too xxx

Catfordthefifth · 21/08/2022 19:20

Op i would hate this too. It will be confusing for his children as well. Nope nope nope. I would make making ultimatums to be honest, this would be a step too far for me.

MayThe4th · 21/08/2022 19:23

How long have you been together and how long have they been separated?

I think that seperated parents who can remain friends can only be a positive thing, but with every situation there is a line in the sand, and sharing a bedroom on holiday would definitely be it for me.

Are you sure they’re actually seperated?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2022 19:24

Oh god no. Totally inappropriate and so confusing for everyone. Have they done this before since you’ve been together? Do you and he ever go away together?

I wouldn’t be okay with this at all. I doubt he’d be fine with you sharing a room with your ex or another bloke either. Have you asked him if he would?

Neither of them will have a decent relationship with anyone else while they’re this enmeshed, it’s weird and unhealthy.

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 21/08/2022 19:25

I'm not a jealous person at all but I wouldn't like this either. I think you need to put your foot down in future OP.

Original poster

UneasyMe · 21/08/2022 19:27

To answer some of the questions:

Yes, his ex-W is in a new relationship (of several years) too. I don’t know how her DP feels about it.

Me and him go away together regularly.

OP posts:

ThirtyThreeTrees · 21/08/2022 19:29

If someone is going to cheat,they are going to cheat. Whether they share rooms or not, whether they are exs, work colleagues, randomers, drunk/sober etc.

You trust someone or you don't.

Catfordthefifth · 21/08/2022 19:30

ThirtyThreeTrees · 21/08/2022 19:29

If someone is going to cheat,they are going to cheat. Whether they share rooms or not, whether they are exs, work colleagues, randomers, drunk/sober etc.

You trust someone or you don't.

It wouldn't even necessarily be about cheating to me! Its just plain weird. She might be able to trust him not to cheat but spending a week solid with his ex in a family set up? Nah. Not for me.

Fairygarden1992 · 21/08/2022 19:31

It's not really normal OP, when he comes home I would be communicating my feelings on that.

fufflecake · 21/08/2022 19:33

That is so very very over the line. It must be confusing as hell for the kids too.

Steptoeandson · 21/08/2022 19:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ

BigYellowElephant · 21/08/2022 19:39

Totally agree on the twin room, but don't get why it's so confusing for them to go on holiday together? My mum and dad split when I was 5 and we did family holidays every year until I was 11. Didnt confuse me, I loved it! I wouldn't do it with my ex because he's a twat but I wish I could because it made the split so much easier for me and gave me so many amazing memories

forlornlorna1 · 21/08/2022 19:40

ThirtyThreeTrees · 21/08/2022 19:29

If someone is going to cheat,they are going to cheat. Whether they share rooms or not, whether they are exs, work colleagues, randomers, drunk/sober etc.

You trust someone or you don't.

It's about boundaries

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 21/08/2022 19:40

Ick I would totally not be doing this with my exDH because frankly it totally gives the wrong idea to the kids and if your on the scene your gonna get blamed for getting in between family holidays.

Daft as it is to ask but are they properly separated and are you 100% they are ?

Personally blended families are hard enough without this massive overstepping of boundaries and meshedness. 🚩

TurboQueen · 21/08/2022 19:48

Totally inderstand where your comming from. Shes eithrer an ex or not, he needs to decide either way, if I were you Id rethink the relationship. Hes about to cross a boundry not ok.

TwiggletLover · 21/08/2022 20:04

This seems very odd. Surely they could each share with one of their children rather than bunking in together?

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