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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP and ex

56 replies

UneasyMe · 21/08/2022 18:45

DP and I have been together for three years and we’re very happy together day-to-day. We both have young children from our previous relationships who we share care of with our respective exes. We don’t live together and we’re both happy with that.

His relationship with his ex-W is good: they cooperate well with their kids, they are respectful towards each other, they are friendly. I’ve always seen that as a good thing… But now they’ve gone on holiday together, they will share a twin room, and I just feel horrible. I raised this with him and he reassured me that there’s no attraction, it’s for the kids, I must trust him. But I feel uneasy and tearful.

OP posts:
Heyln · 21/08/2022 20:15

Not OK at all. Tell him that you will come too and share the room with him and she can have her own room. Or if she wants to have the kids with her she can get a room with rhe kids and you and partner can have a room to yourselves. I would never be ok with this set up ever. Its great they want to be friendly for the kids but this is not the right way to co parent. You can trust your husband AND ALSO not allow this. Just because you are not happy with something doesn't mean there is no trust, there just needs to be boundaries. And if you're not ok with it then he needs to listen to you and take your feelings into consideration and come up with a plan that works for all.

IAmAWomanNotACis · 21/08/2022 20:50

I wouldn't be okay with it for the same reason as others have said. It's not about trust, it's a basic level of lack of respect for you.

Voice0fReason · 21/08/2022 20:52

ThirtyThreeTrees · 21/08/2022 19:29

If someone is going to cheat,they are going to cheat. Whether they share rooms or not, whether they are exs, work colleagues, randomers, drunk/sober etc.

You trust someone or you don't.

I trust my husband completely.
I would trust him even if he was sharing a bed with another woman.
However, I would consider it completely unacceptable for him to CHOOSE to share a room with another woman.

This is a matter of boundaries. With no boundaries, there is no relationship.

DuchessDarty · 22/08/2022 17:15

However, I would consider it completely unacceptable for him to CHOOSE to share a room with another woman.

This. It’s a very questionable choice for him to make and in your shoes I wouldn’t be happy. It shows a lack of respect to you and a lack of knowing and applying appropriate boundaries.

chillipenguin · 22/08/2022 17:18

There's absolutely no need for him to do this

Lilithslove · 23/08/2022 14:18

ThirtyThreeTrees · 21/08/2022 19:29

If someone is going to cheat,they are going to cheat. Whether they share rooms or not, whether they are exs, work colleagues, randomers, drunk/sober etc.

You trust someone or you don't.

@ThirtyThreeTrees
I think that this is a bit of a simplistic view on relationships.

Trust isn't an abstract thing that is either there or not. It is partially dependent on someone's actions - the action of choosing to share your room with an ex is something that would make a lot of people question them. I am sure my partner trusts me not to harm him but if I came at him with a knife I think he would be worried rather than saying it is fine because he trusts me!

And even if they don't cheat in the sense of having sex they are still sharing an intimate space which the OP has every right to feel uncomfortable about.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 23/08/2022 14:23

Very disrespectful. I would end my relationship over it tbh.

CookPassBabtridge · 23/08/2022 14:28

Going on holifay together- awesome! We do it.
As much as twin rooms is fine with me (me and ex are best friends) I can understand it would be uncomfortable for partners so would get seperate rooms. Twin rooms don't benefit the kids, holidaying together does.

MeridianB · 23/08/2022 14:54

How old are the children?

Thelifeofawife · 23/08/2022 21:13

I’ve been in that good co-parenting relationship where my ex and I took our DC on holidays. The holidays stopped when I got a new partner (and would have also stopped if ex had got a new partner first) because it was no longer appropriate and I had too much respect for my partner to leave him at home worrying about all sorts - it’s all well and good to say couples should trust each other, but why would anyone put their partner through that natural anxiety?!
Would your DP be happy for you to go away with your ex, and share a room with him?
I could understand if this holiday was booked prior to you meeting him (which I’m sure it wasn’t) but even then surely they should share a room with the kids not each other now that he has a new partner.
Sorry to say OP but he is being completely disrespectful. You have been together for 3 years, it should be you two taking the kids on holiday, not him and his ex.
And when they return all his kids will talk about is their holiday with mum & dad and it will make you feel awful. You need to tackle this when he gets home and put a stop to it happening ever again x

Blendiful · 23/08/2022 21:17

I think this is the problem when people continue as if not separated.

I know some people see this as good but personally I just do not see the need for this. The kids can have 2 holidays with 2 separate parents/families, why does a 'family holiday' have to include both their parents.

I wouldn't be happy with this but I also know my DP wouldn't be happy with me doing it either, it's inappropriate with an ex IMO.

I wouldn't be sticking around if this is what was happening.

Coparenting and getting on well, fine, but that's a step too far.

Newusernameaug · 23/08/2022 21:20

Just wanted to share that whilst I wouldn’t like this either, when my ex and I split up we went away several times with our son and shared a room the 3 of us for practical and financial reasons.

nothing ever happened - just wanted to share that this does happen! However we were both single, not sure either of us would of done it if we had partners.

hapinthewood · 23/08/2022 21:42

I wouldn't like this. It's too intimate. I only share rooms with people I can walk round naked and fart in front of

Christmasiscominghohoho · 23/08/2022 21:46

Wtf. Why would you put up with this?

Absolutely no way would I stay with my OH if he did it.

Sharing a room as well? Crossing all sorts of boundaries.

You must have mug written all over you.

CookPassBabtridge · 23/08/2022 21:48

Blendiful · 23/08/2022 21:17

I think this is the problem when people continue as if not separated.

I know some people see this as good but personally I just do not see the need for this. The kids can have 2 holidays with 2 separate parents/families, why does a 'family holiday' have to include both their parents.

I wouldn't be happy with this but I also know my DP wouldn't be happy with me doing it either, it's inappropriate with an ex IMO.

I wouldn't be sticking around if this is what was happening.

Coparenting and getting on well, fine, but that's a step too far.

Because we get on really well, parent ace together and it's nice for the kids to still experience being a family unit with both mum and dad.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 23/08/2022 21:50

CookPassBabtridge · 23/08/2022 21:48

Because we get on really well, parent ace together and it's nice for the kids to still experience being a family unit with both mum and dad.

Show quote history

But you are not a family unit.
You are just playing pretend at being one.

MILLYmo0se · 23/08/2022 21:55

Is it a family room with them and the kids all in together? Thats still inapropriate when a new partner isnt comfortable with it, but i cant wrap my head around it at all if its just the 2 of them in a twin room!

BabyDreamers · 24/08/2022 08:22

He is taking the P out of you. That is so disrespectful. 'For the kids', what rubbish. For them more like. The kids are probably really confused by it.

BabyDreamers · 24/08/2022 08:26

It sounds like they are seeing if they can be a happy family again by testing the water. Guaranteed she is not with her partner anymore.

malificent7 · 24/08/2022 09:04

Dump asap op.

CookPassBabtridge · 24/08/2022 11:35

@Christmasiscominghohoho Nope.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 24/08/2022 11:38

CookPassBabtridge · 24/08/2022 11:35

@Christmasiscominghohoho Nope.

😂

Blendiful · 24/08/2022 20:23

@CookPassBabtridge

Agree with the other poster, you aren't a 'family unit' once separated, the kids have 2 families.

If both parents are single, and want to do it fine, but once you have a partner I think it's just disrespectful. I wouldn't be expecting my DP to share a room with any other female, ex, work colleague, friend or whatever tbh, and I know for certain he would feel the same the opposite way round. It's just a matter of respect and crossing a boundary. Perhaps your boundaries are different and that's fine, but I think this would be a boundary for most people.

strawberrymelon88 · 25/08/2022 03:39

There is nothing wrong with two ex partners having a family holiday for the kids, so that the kids have happy memories as a family unit. Even though your partner is now with you, he still has another family unit. He and his ex are the parents of their child or children. I think it is great they can have family holidays together to give security for the child to know she is loved by two parents who can be together and put the child's happiness first. Let the child have her memories .

However, they should not be sleeping in the same room even if it is twin.
I know your concerns. But if you and your partner are solid, nothing can unstuck you two.

strawberrymelon88 · 25/08/2022 03:46

For those who say, you aren't a family unit once you are perspective.....
You can divorce your spouse but you cannot divorce your role as a parent for the child.

From the child's eyes and legally, her mum and dad are still her family unit. So yes, they are a family unit.

But seperate rooms...and if you think that your partner can cheat with his ex, hey, he can cheat with any woman he meets.