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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Honestly don't know what to do

63 replies

CrystalCat22 · 20/08/2022 21:52

I'm having a very 'feel sorry for myself' moment, call it pregnancy hormones 🤣

I have a 9 year old stepdaughter. I think she's always hated me from the minute I met her dad 5 years ago. I think her mum tells her that if it wasn't for me, they would still be together.

Today I had a 30th suprise birthday party and she pretended I didn't exist the entire day. Full on blanked me, ignored me when I spoke to her. I had to explain to family that this is usual. She decided to blame me that her dad told her off for something she done wrong. She decided to blame me, and ignore me the entire day.

Over the 5 years I've been lied about by her, been portrayed as someone that is truly a horrible step mother and none of its true. I've done so much for her, I treat her like my own, and I honestly don't know what else I can do. I'm exhausted.

She's openly admitted that she doesn't want me and her dad together. If I so much as touch him, I get evils from the other side of the room.

Any advice as to what I can do? I feel like I've tried everything and genuinely fear what is to come when she's older and how far she may go.

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 20/08/2022 21:59

All you can do is disengage. Give her space and step away.

It sounds like there are possibly loyalty bond issues (read the stepmonster book by Wednesday Martin for a really good discussion of this). The thing about that is that it’s pretty horrible for the child but there is literally nothing a stepmother can do about it. The nicer, kinder and more appealing you are to the child, the more disloyal the child feels to her mother and the worse it all gets. You can’t make her mother approach it differently, so all you can do is recognise the problem and step right back.

it’s really hard. I’m sorry your birthday was affected by this stuff.

Original poster
CrystalCat22 · 20/08/2022 22:02

Thank you so much for your reply.

She didn't effect my birthday, we still had a lovely day. Unfortunately, this happens so regularly it was just another day.

I am feeling so done tonight with it all. I love my partner so much, we are engaged and have a baby on the way and I also have a beautiful daughter already and I just wish that I could do anything to make things better for us.

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 20/08/2022 22:05

I think just focusing on what brings you joy will help.

Your fiancé will need to deal with his daughter. You should step back and concentrate on your child and the pregnancy. Leave him to make it very clear that her fantasies of her parents reuniting are never going to happen no matter what she does (doing so is more humane for everyone than letting her think she can split you up and make room for her parents to remarry). There’s some good stuff about this in stepmonster too.

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 22:08

Oof that sounds so so hard. I always try to do things for my birthday etc on the weekend we don't have the DSC or have something nice lined up when they aren't here. So i have a "proper" celebration without them here. I just feel like I can't expect them to get excited about my birthday so we do a little thing when they are here and I can relax the next weekend.

Namealreadyinuse1 · 20/08/2022 22:51

Disengage. My SDs have been in my life for 9 years and one of them sounds very similar to yours & nothing I did changed that. I’m afraid it never got better with her so I simply stepped back (it took me 8 years to finally do that). She’s now 18 and is off to Uni. Concentrate on your daughter & your pregnancy.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 20/08/2022 22:53

Stop treating her like your own. Tell her df he needs to be raising a polite well mannered dc or she won't be popular as she gets older.

With anyone.

GrazingSheep · 20/08/2022 22:55

How often does she have contact with her dad? And how old is your own dd?

Original poster
CrystalCat22 · 20/08/2022 23:01

She has contact with her dad every other weekend, longer in school holidays. She used to spend a lot more time here however as there is around a 40 mile difference in both homes she requested to drop the weekdays as it was more driving than quality time and she didn't want to wake up earlier on the school days due to the additional travel time. I personally feel that is fair enough, I can see her point and my partner was knackered from driving all the time anyway.

She's 9.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrystalCat22 · 20/08/2022 23:02

Oops forgot to say, my DD is 5. DSD has known DD since she was around 3 months old xx

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 20/08/2022 23:28

Does your dp get on well with her mother? Do they co-parent amicably?

Original poster
CrystalCat22 · 20/08/2022 23:33

Not really. My partner has had to restrict all coparenting to emails now as he was getting abuse 24/7 from his ex-partner. I personally think she is not over him (she makes this very clear in some messages), even though she has had other relationships and another child. But that's completely out of my control.

My partners very open about her (he finds it stressful and emotionally draining coparenting with her), so I see most communication and whereas he is calm and factual, I can't even begin to explain some of the messages he receives. Let's just say he was getting called the c word daily, over anything, along with 10 or so missed calls one after another for no reason xx

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 20/08/2022 23:45

Is is possible that her mother is poisoning her against you?

Original poster
CrystalCat22 · 20/08/2022 23:48

Unfortunately yes, that's a very likely possibility and one I strongly think is happening. I honestly believe she tells DSD that if it wasn't for me, they would be together (realistically that's not the case, he was single for quite a while before we met).

But again, something that's very out of my control.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 21/08/2022 08:26

What is your DP doing about his DD’s behaviour? If he’s not addressing this then ask him whether he’d be happy for his DD to ignore other adults such as grandparents or teachers? Why is she allowed to ignore you and lie about you?

How is she with your DD5?

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2022 08:51

SudocremOnEverything · 20/08/2022 22:05

I think just focusing on what brings you joy will help.

Your fiancé will need to deal with his daughter. You should step back and concentrate on your child and the pregnancy. Leave him to make it very clear that her fantasies of her parents reuniting are never going to happen no matter what she does (doing so is more humane for everyone than letting her think she can split you up and make room for her parents to remarry). There’s some good stuff about this in stepmonster too.

I agree with this. I would just not focus on this issue and make it clear your DH needs to deal with it. Stop treating her as your own, focus on your children.

Original poster
CrystalCat22 · 21/08/2022 08:55

Honestly he tries so much, he addresses her behaviour (there is so much more than just yesterday), there are consequences but nothing changes unfortunately. He is also exhausted and upset by it all, and I feel sorry for him because he's constantly stuck in the middle.

She's actually okay with my daughter, they get along okay. DD is a social butterfly and will get fed up if she's acting out and find something else to do.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 21/08/2022 09:48

Are you able to share some examples of his responses and consequences? Does she ignore anyone else? Also, does he spend frequent 1:1 time with her?

Sorry for all the questions. Just trying to understand a bit more context.

Original poster
CrystalCat22 · 21/08/2022 09:52

Please don't apologise for asking questions, I'm just so appreciative for any help to be honest.

He spends frequent 1-1 time with her, they do things together all the time and I encourage this as I do the same with my DD.

So far consequences have been ipad taken away and we cancelled her Horseriding lesson (but she still had to come and watch DD to her Horseriding lesson). Both haven't worked much as the behaviour is still ongoing and she doesn't seem to care too much about these consequences.

I feel so jealous of my DD's relationship with my partner and also DD's relationship with her stepmother, because it all seems so easy for them 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
CrystalCat22 · 21/08/2022 09:54

..and no, she doesn't ignore anyone else. She does lie about others, adults and children, but mainly me unfortunately.

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 21/08/2022 10:51

I feel so jealous of my DD's relationship with my partner and also DD's relationship with her stepmother, because it all seems so easy for them

can you reframe this a bit. Rather than feeling jealous (and like you’re failing!) because you haven’t managed this with you SD, maybe think about all the ways in which you (and your ex) have enabled and supported this. It’s brilliant that your DD feels clear about the situation so she’s not fixated on trying to get her parents back together. And also that she’s confident in everything so that she can be close to her stepparents. That’s only possible because her parents have made it so. You’ve given her the security and the permission to like her stepparents.

It’s really sad that your SD’s mum is doing the exact opposite of that. Sad for you. Sad for your SD. But there’s nothing you can do about it. Her dad can try his best to set boundaries and clarify that you are not the reason her parents are not together and never will be. But only her mum can choose to stop undermining that message. And only her mum can choose go get over herself and give her daughter permission to like you (for SD’s sake).

All you can do is step back and concentrate on your children and husband. Model the kinds of politeness you’d expect from her (I know you do far more than that!) but give her the emotional space for it just to be about politeness. Her dad can continue with consequences for rudeness. Maybe not pursuing the relationship beyond polite coexistence (right now) might improve things a bit. Take the pressure off you both.

your DH could possibly look into some family counselling to help her to come to terms terms with things and move on from her fantasies about her parents. An experienced therapist in this area may have really useful advice to handle this despite her mother’s behaviour.

Original poster
CrystalCat22 · 21/08/2022 11:02

Thank you so much for your reply.

I think I used the wrong word, maybe not jealousy but just disappointed, I feel like we have put so much energy into this and I feel like I should have made this work but the unfortunate truth is that it is out of my control.

I really appreciate your perspective and kind words, I feel more human because of it so thank you all xx

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 21/08/2022 11:09

Even disappointment is being too hard on yourself. It’s less the actual word and more seeing it as not something where you’ve failed. You most definitely have not.

And it’s ok to be disappointed that your SD’s mum is unable to accept her own situation, and SD is emotionally caught up in that. It’s crap.

You know it doesn’t have to be like that because your DC have lovely relationships with stepparents. So disappointment is a reasonable response.

It is very hard to be rejected. I hope it does improve for you.

lickenchugget · 21/08/2022 11:15

Agree with PP; disengage. You’ve tried, some children are just very angry, and if SM is negative about you and DH then it’s going to be almost impossible for you to change this.

Concentrate on nice things and plan for when DSC comes, leave her father to sort her out.

Original poster
CrystalCat22 · 21/08/2022 11:17

Thank you all so much.

When you say disengage, can I ask what this looks like please? I'm not sure I know how to.

Nobody ever tells you how hard being a step parent is do they lol xx

OP posts:
TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 21/08/2022 11:23

I'm sorry she's being like this to you.

im on the fence. On one hand I want to say stop treating her like one of your own &!stop looking after her, leave it all tonDH when he's at yours, if he's not home, she's not there.

Then on the other hand. She's a little girl who sees HER Daddy living with another little girl ( & NOW a baby on the way) . A mummy who tells her it's all your fault (and the child lacks the maturity to realise they'd long separated before you came on the scene). In all likelihood she's hurting & unable to to verbalise it (well even understand it) rather than deliberately being nasty.

but it's still shit for you.

I wouldn't have had a baby yet, until this was sorted out, but stable door!

DH needs to take her out for an ice cream/walk/drive and explain to her that he loves her. She's his daughter, his eldest child and he loves her very very much and that will never change. That him & her mum both love her, but they decided long ago that they didn't want to be in a relationship anymore (made each other sad/angry whatever) & that will NEVER change. That after some time mummy met 'Fred' & he met you. That he loves you and you love him and are a couple and it's staying that way, that you came to know her & love her & that it upsets you when she treats you as she does.

he needs to tell her that he can't make her live/like you, but that rudeness will not be tolerated.

he needs a mix of loving, listening, caring & firmness.