Honestly don't know what to do

[CrystalCat22]

I'm having a very 'feel sorry for myself' moment, call it pregnancy hormones 🤣

I have a 9 year old stepdaughter. I think she's always hated me from the minute I met her dad 5 years ago. I think her mum tells her that if it wasn't for me, they would still be together.

Today I had a 30th suprise birthday party and she pretended I didn't exist the entire day. Full on blanked me, ignored me when I spoke to her. I had to explain to family that this is usual. She decided to blame me that her dad told her off for something she done wrong. She decided to blame me, and ignore me the entire day.

Over the 5 years I've been lied about by her, been portrayed as someone that is truly a horrible step mother and none of its true. I've done so much for her, I treat her like my own, and I honestly don't know what else I can do. I'm exhausted.

She's openly admitted that she doesn't want me and her dad together. If I so much as touch him, I get evils from the other side of the room.

Any advice as to what I can do? I feel like I've tried everything and genuinely fear what is to come when she's older and how far she may go.

Ahhh ooor kid trapped in a loyalty bind by her own mum.

Sadly op you cannot do anything to release her from it as much as you want to.

So the only thing you can do is disengage. My sister (half) had various things like this as a kid growing up and although hated my mum for a long long while, as adults get get on great. Teenage years were rocky. For a long while.

Sad thing is she needs a mum to put her first and do mum things (not make her into a adult before her time) but her own Dm won't let her have it. The height of cruelty by mum but very little you can do as sm to influence that.

Know you aren't alone and I think the hardest part of being a step parent is watching pain being inflicted by parents on a child and having a front row seat to it 0power to stop it whislt being blamed by most of society for that pain the child's carrying. Hard.

She may come around and she may not but you need to protect yourself here a little bit💐

This was my step daughter, I tried and tried and cried so much and had so much stress over the situation. It ruined my marriage. We are still together but I want to divorce daily.

I disengaged from her and anything to do with her. I hardly see dh family as she will be there. I haven't seen SD for about 4 years, haven't met either of her children. DH is a grandad and I don't exist and am not invited to her wedding.

We have spoken about this, many many times. There is more concerns, she is quite neglectful as well as emotionally abusive. I'd absolutely hate anyone to say this about my parenting, it would break my heart but she hasn't changed at all since I met my partner and likely she never will.

I think my partner is worried that the emotional abuse and impact from mums mental health effecting step daughter would not be enough in the family courts eyes to grant full residency. I totally agree she would be 100% better off in our care. We took her away on holiday and after 3 days (breaking that codependancy trauma bond) she turned into a little girl who showed joy and happiness and was a completely different child. Often if we have her for over 3 days consecutively her behaviour and mental health changes dramatically.

Why is her other daughter with her father 100%?

She walked out on her. I can't understand it, she just upped and left with one of the children.

The step child has gone through trauma. She has lost her family unit and she cannot understand why her parents are no longer together. She didn't ask for a step mother. However, when you got involved with your partner, you had the choice to take on the role as step mum and it was never going to be easy. That is the way it is. The step child is forced to exist in a world that the adults have created and has no say in it. While the father and you move on with a new baby etc, the stepchild is stuck, a form of bereavement, mourning for her lost life and lost family, but how does a child mourn such a loss. We often talk about how when a woman is assaulted, she is traumatised . What about a child whose world has turned upside down and gets triggers of emotion all the time at school when other students talk about their nuclear family, and step child is reminded that she does not have that.

Be patient, you signed on for this. She didn't. You have the maturity to see clearly.The child does not.

The step child has gone through trauma. She has lost her family unit and she cannot understand why her parents are no longer together.

This but I agree with ^

She didn't ask for a step mother. However, when you got involved with your partner, you had the choice to take on the role as step mum and it was never going to be easy. That is the way it is. The step child is forced to exist in a world that the adults have created and has no say in it. While the father and you move on with a new baby etc, the stepchild is stuck, a form of bereavement, mourning for her lost life and lost family, but how does a child mourn such a loss. We often talk about how when a woman is assaulted, she is traumatised . What about a child whose world has turned upside down and gets triggers of emotion all the time at school when other students talk about their nuclear family, and step child is reminded that she does not have that.

Be patient, you signed on for this. She didn't. You have the maturity to see clearly.The child does not.

This bit I think is more nuanced

• dad chose to create two families
• mum and dad chose to have a child
• mum has chosen by her own actions to cause unlimited amount of damage by creating a loyalty bond damaging the child's ability to be able to receive love from another house due to her own ego.
• mum and dad chose to split causing the original damage

It is up to THEM to act like adults and minimise the damage they created as the damage would be there, even if op wasn't on the scene. Her presence hasn't cause the damage or even causing the current damage to the child. That would be mum and dads split and mum acting in not a best interest in the child they created. Op in terms of blame is not accountable. Sure be kindly to any child that's suffering but that doesn't mean you accept blame that isn't yours to claim.

There's been a long line of actions that have resulted in the damage of this child and as much as people would prefer to levitate and blame sm for marrying a man with a child and having a sibling. The list of choices that have been taken out of the child's hands primarily and ethically remain in the hands of the parents because they have caused this dynamic in which op is operating in.

Let's not pretend this isn't the case because it makes people feel better to blame someone other than themselves and their own choices.

I say this as a mum with a Dd who has a sm.

OP is in a difficult situation. I am not blaming her. The mum checked out, the dad is delegating all to OP. Seems OP is the only grown up here. I don't think step daughter hates you OP. She hates the situation and so it is easier to hate you because she can't hate her dad in case he disappears as well. You really need your partner to step up to his responsibility

I feel the same. It doesn’t feel natural to not make a fuss of a child who is in my home. I have been at my wits end at times though so I know that it’s better this way than how things were.

It’s so wrong that your SD mum is treating her as her friend and relying on her for emotional support. It must be really messing with her head.
You're right to seek counselling for her.
I don’t understand why so many women do this to their children, it’s beyond selfish to use them in their drama and games.
I hope you manage to make some progress x

It’s actually remarkably common for separated parents to shift their children into inappropriate roles. They fill the vacuum left by the other parents by over sharing with their children or expecting the children to provide inappropriate kinds of support. It’s really not good for children at all. And it’s most definitely not just mothers that do it (although there may be some common themes to the different ways in which mothers and fathers do this post-separation).

The thing is, a stepparent cannot save a child from their own parents’ choices. They just can’t. You can’t force either parent to step up or take on an appropriate role.

Instead it is very easy for the stepparent to be become the focus of all the blame and responsibility. You must be the reason the child is unhappy or your relationship with them is poor. In doing so, everyone lets the parents off the hook for all the ways their continuing distinction is letting their child down.

Have you come across the Nacho Kids approach to step parenting? I have no experience of being in a blended family but a friend of mine found it really helpful in reframing how she and her SC got along.

nachokids.com/about/

I'm not sure anyone is to blame here, I'm just asking on ways to help everyday life be more manageable and not a war zone haha.

My partner was emotionally abused during the relationship with his ex-partner, which he has only just come to accept about 4 years later as he was so used to being abused. There is no way that staying in the relationship would have been the best outcome for anyone.

I am also a survivor of domestic violence from my previous relationship, and would never blame myself for leaving. I done what was best for both my daughter and I at the time and it was the best decision I had ever made for us.

I completely understand that my step daughter has been through trauma. The last 5 years alone I have supported her the countless incidents from her mums home and sought professional support for her due to this. But it is not an excuse for her to treat anyone in the way she has been recently. She still has to be aware of right from wrong, but I can't destroy myself trying.

I love her to bits, honestly I do. She's so smart, caring and funny. Its just heartbreaking that she isn't treated by her mum the way in which she should be, the way in which she deserves. And it's also really difficult to accept that I alone can't give her the life that I want to xx

And next will come the lies about the abusive stepmother which can get a stepmother investigated and her own children removed from the home. I had a good friend go through this. The 10 yo only admitted to lying when confronted by the police officer questioning her with the CPS worker. My friend lost custody of her kids and her ex after got 80/20. It started just like your situation has and is so close I thought I was having De Ja Vu.