Honestly don't know what to do

[CrystalCat22]

I'm having a very 'feel sorry for myself' moment, call it pregnancy hormones 🤣

I have a 9 year old stepdaughter. I think she's always hated me from the minute I met her dad 5 years ago. I think her mum tells her that if it wasn't for me, they would still be together.

Today I had a 30th suprise birthday party and she pretended I didn't exist the entire day. Full on blanked me, ignored me when I spoke to her. I had to explain to family that this is usual. She decided to blame me that her dad told her off for something she done wrong. She decided to blame me, and ignore me the entire day.

Over the 5 years I've been lied about by her, been portrayed as someone that is truly a horrible step mother and none of its true. I've done so much for her, I treat her like my own, and I honestly don't know what else I can do. I'm exhausted.

She's openly admitted that she doesn't want me and her dad together. If I so much as touch him, I get evils from the other side of the room.

Any advice as to what I can do? I feel like I've tried everything and genuinely fear what is to come when she's older and how far she may go.

This might help a bit with understanding disengaging: www.gottman.com/blog/stepping-back-to-save-my-stepfamily/

I don't agree that disengaging is the best way forward, but disengaging would be looking after her when he's not home, asking if she wants to play a game with you, offering to read to her/do her hair/watch a movie with her, stop trying to be her friend/step mum/whatever.

I don't think it's the way forward tbh.

Sometimes all this can happen, and the child remains the same.

OP , basically you step back from any parenting duties for them at all. They want brownies for breakfast? Cool. Want to go to bed at midnight? Whatever! Not your monkeys etc. It will force DH to have to step up and parent, but you don’t need to serve yourself up to a child who is using their power (which they shouldn’t have been given - parenting fail) to be rude to you.

Go to the gym, sign the new baby up for a class, go to the park with your DC. Oddly enough, this last resort for my own sanity actually resulted in better behaviour; it was the first time DSC ever seen actual consequences of their actions.

It depends what you do with her now but basically don't look after her on your own, as a starting point. And beyond that, when she's around, obviously speak politely to her if she comes to you but don't focus on trying to get her to engage with you. Continue to focus on your children and yourself.

Thank you all so much xx

It might not help but have you been able to have a light and friendly one-on-one chat with her? You could explain that you understand how hard it's been for her mum and dad to split up but you'd really like to be her friend if possible.

Could you do something nice together? Could it be that she's just not been able to build trust with you? Of course, it's not your responsibility to get her to like you, but maybe a chat could help.

Honestly I have tried this so many times. Its been 5 years, I've taken her out alone, together with my daughter. I've had long chats with her on her bed about anything on her mind. I think that's what makes this so hard, because at times she possibly might like me. But I'm exhausting myself trying and after 5 years of trying and nothing changing its really hard xx

Stop trying, OP. Carry on looking after her if DH is around but disengage as others have said.

She will either see what a cow her mother is or become just like her. Nothing you can do.

It does sound like a loyalty bind. The counterintuitive thing there is that you cannot love bomb them out of it. The nicer and more appealing you are to them, the worse they feel. They feel more guilty because they do like you and it feels like a betrayal of their mother. Hating you feels easier because it aligns her with her mother.

obviously you’re not going to behave like some detestable monster (the one her mum wants her to see you as). But, not having close chats on the bed, doing her hair while watching tv or anything else that triggers is can be the kindest thing you can do. Just basic, neutral politeness and getting on with your life while her dad sees to her needs is the best thing to do.

Agree you need to step back and let DH pick up all the parenting. But I’d also talk to him about how he sees the next couple of years looking if she doesn’t stop lying and ignoring adults.

It doesn’t sound like her mum will get on the same page as him with parenting, so he needs to take this seriously. Could she go to counselling?

We are looking into some counselling for her, she's been through a lot of trauma on her mums side. I am unsure if mum will ever get on board, she tends to get worse (her mum that is) when anything nice happens for us (for example engagement, birthday celebrations, Christmas, pregnancy ect). Unfortunately her mums most recent relationship didn't work out either so she's back to sole focus on my partner again, and her youngest daughter is with the dad full time so she has nothing to distract her at all.

I know some have said it probably wasn't the best time to have a baby, but it was for us. I can't wait forever for another child due to DCS behaviour and I'm getting older haha!

I've had a chat with my partner about taking a step back and he fully agrees and is very supportive, so fingers crossed things start looking up for us all.

There is something really Cinderella about forcing her to watch her step sisters riding lesson so I'm not surprised she is displaying this behaviour.

That was totally the wrong punishment for whatever it was she did or didn't do to be honest

It was her dads decision for the punishment. We had paid for two lessons, they always have lessons together but this time her behaviour had gone too far.

And to be honest, she was bullying another child (one that had disabilities) and mocked them when they become upset, and then lied about it; so I think it was suitable. This isn't the first time she has bullied other children unfortunately.

@CrystalCat22 Have you thought about spending 1:1 time with you DSD? You mentioned that she likes horse riding so maybe you could take her going forward, and that could be your ‘thing’? I too am a stepmom and appreciate the challenges. My relationship with my DSD only improved when I spent lots of 1:1 time with her. Picking her up, going to a cafe/park, dedicated time at home. I’d ask my DP to go to golf etc so that I had dedicated time with her, and over time, we’ve developed a really good relationship.

I don’t think it’s Cinderella at all. You’d do the same if they were full siblings in a nuclear family. Sometimes a child needs to see that the nice things in life are contingent on acceptable behaviour. Bullying other children is unacceptable.

Been in my step kids life for 8 years. They were 5&8 when I met them.

I was full on SM for about 5 years. And 2 years ago I took a big step back. Let Dad pick up all the slack. At the same time Dad went no contact with their mum. At the time they were 10 & 13. My kids were 13 & 14.

It is different. And much less satisfactory in lots of ways. But I have developed a different relationship with my step kids. More adult. Now when they are cheeky to their dad it makes me laugh. Not my problem.

He does all the paperwork for them and now probably appreciates exactly what I did because it's a real mountain.

When I'm pissed off with them I tell them. We work through it. And visa versa. I'm not one to let things fester.

OP has already said she's tried this approach, and it hasn't worked.

@aSofaNearYou ahh, I read her statement as she had taken her DSD out with her own DC, not on her own. I was suggesting she had 1:1 time, without the DC. My mistake.

Honestly don't worry, I appreciated the suggestion regardless. Thank you 😊😊 xx

As much as I hated doing it at all, I'd do the same for my own daughter if she behaved in the same way. I'm not having any child, step daughter/son or daughter/son have no consequences for bullying other children, it's not okay and there is never an excuse for it in my opinion. Thank you for your comment, its much appreciated. I often reflect and make sure all is fair when it comes to discipline, I'd never punish one and let the other get away with the same thing, it's misleading and confusing that way xx

she was bullying another child (one that had disabilities) and mocked them when they become upset, and then lied about it; so I think it was suitable.

😮Wow. This is an awful chain of behaviours.

It's interesting that she doesn't respond to consequences though. This is what made me think of counselling.

I’ve been through similar OP so understand how hard and disheartening it is.

I had a great relationship with SD but it went downhill and it was definitely because of her mum and loyalty.
It got to the point where we couldn’t do anything together without her feeling like she had to text or ring her mum in the middle of it.
Her mum rings her at night saying how she misses her and wishes she was at home, knowing SD will get upset and want to go home. Then SD is torn because she wanted to spend time with DH as well. It’s awful for SD & DH, all because of her mums ego. It happens less now as she’s got older and also because we limited her iPad time so she’s not being upset and confused by it.
Her mum has had other partners since but hates that DH has a life and she can’t fully control him.
I can’t understand the mentality. But I keep reminding myself that she’s clearly very sad and unstable that she can’t just get on with her life and allow her DD to do the same.

With SD behaviour, DH struggled to set boundaries but he has started doing recently due to a couple of big incidents which couldn’t be ignored.
Also, when SD once passed a comment to me DH took her aside and told her that he loves me and will never leave me. SD was embarrassed that she hadn’t got away with it, but it also sent her a clear message that he and her mum will never be back together.
SD has known me and her dad be together longer than him and her mum.

I began to disengage, which I hate as I’m a loving person but clearly SD isn’t allowed to have a good relationship with me so why make it harder for us both. I don’t have her on my own, I don’t buy her things (except joint birthday/Christmas gifts from me & DH), and any activities we do at home I make sure her dad is involved.
It does help once you get used to it.

Thank you so much for this reply, and I am so so sorry that you have been through this too.

I'm going to disengage and hope things change for the better. I think I struggle with the idea as i won't be the step mum I thought I would be, but I guess I didn't realise it would be this complex!

The thing is, due to his ex's behaviour she has absolutely no support anymore (she kicks off at everyone about anything), so she solely focus' all her attention on her 9 year old daughter. This results in her 9 year old daughter being her sole emotional crutch for everything, and she Will often come back and say 'mummy was crying today as she had a big argument with [other baby daddy] and he said not to bother with contact with [younger daughter] today. She knows far too much about adult issues, and it puts a hell of a lot on her shoulders which it really shouldn't. I think she discusses all things adult with her, as she has nobody else to do this with xx

Not sure why it replaced the words

Other baby daddy
And youngest daughter
With emojis haha xx

Has your husband considered applying for primary residency, given that his ex is clearly emotionally abusing their daughter?