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Original poster

DP's ex won't communicate with me

54 replies

greulsock · 18/08/2022 15:35

*Name changed so it isn't linked

I have been living with DP and involved with his DC for 2.5 years now.

From about 18 months ago, I became the default for childcare if DP's ex was running late, had something on, and I now do school pick-ups in the week for them.

BUT she will not communicate with me about this? If she needs me to have them (as I'm the go-to), she'll message DP at work to message me and have me let him know and then let her know. She has my contact details, but she'll always message him to message me to ask and then report back.
It doesn't matter how urgently she needs me to watch them, she'll still contact him when he's working rather than messaging me.

I find this bizarre.
At this point, I feel as though it borders on rude that she wants (essentially) favours from me but won't ask me herself and doesn't ever communicate with me to thank me for jumping in?

Just seeking other opinions because it just seems so strange to me but DP doesn't see the big deal? I think he sees it as they're the coparents who deal with each other, so it makes sense just to communicate through them two?
I don't know.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2022 15:38

From about 18 months ago, I became the default for childcare if DP's ex was running late, had something on, and I now do school pick-ups in the week for them.

Why on earth are you doing so much childcare? They are taking you for a mug.

MsMarch · 18/08/2022 15:39

While you have become the defacto-go to, technically she is asking your DP to help and HE is asking you. ie you are doing the favour for HIM not for HER. And that is probably how she sees it.

I am more on your side in that it seems to me that your'e doing it for both of them now, but it may be that this difference in perception is the problem.

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 18/08/2022 15:40

Why are you replying through your DP, you’re enabling it. Just get her number and every time she messages to you through DP message her back directly with her answer. Or even better get DP to have a stock response: you need to ask @greulsock directly. Then if she doesn’t r ask you directly she loses out on your assistance that she wants.

Original poster
greulsock · 18/08/2022 15:41

@Greaterthanthesumoftheparts this is 100% the right approach, I agree! I just feel weird as it's so long overdue now, it's like saying something over a year too late.

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 18/08/2022 15:44

Is she asking him to ask you? She’s actually saying “Hi ex, can you please ask greulsock to pick the kids up?”. Or is she asking him and he’s just asking you?
It’s really bizarre that you’re so responsible for his children in a relatively short relationship and tbh he/they (definitely him, possibly her too if she’s aware) are taking the piss and using you as free childcare. Up to you whether you allow that to continue 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
greulsock · 18/08/2022 15:47

@Outlyingtrout yes, it's typically 'hi, would greulsock be able to have them...' for whatever reason (most of the time, if she knows he's working and unavailable). Blush

OP posts:
MzHz · 18/08/2022 15:48

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2022 15:38

From about 18 months ago, I became the default for childcare if DP's ex was running late, had something on, and I now do school pick-ups in the week for them.

Why on earth are you doing so much childcare? They are taking you for a mug.

What was this prince among men doing for child care of his own kids before you - mug of the century- turned up

you’re not default care if she hasn’t got the manners to speak to you herself and ask you, with please and thank yous, to help.

you’re an idiot for allowing this.

LocalHobo · 18/08/2022 15:50

She will be asking the father of the child to step in to help. He, your DP, is in turn passing that request to you. So aren't you doing him a favour, not her?
It seems most mothers are dissuaded from direct contact with their ex's new partner.

eggsandbaconeveryday · 18/08/2022 15:54

Why is this man palming off his parental responsibility onto you? If his children need looking after then he needs to step up and look after them because they are not your responsibility and you are not an unpaid childminder

Spohn · 18/08/2022 15:54

Why on earth are you allowing these people to make such a mug of you?
Becoming the default for childcare after such a short amount of time with your boyfriend was a ridiculous idea.

fufflecake · 18/08/2022 16:15

From about 18 months ago, I became the default for childcare if DP's ex was running late, had something on, and I now do school pick-ups in the week for them. well stop doing this. Why are you doing this?! Just stop it. She has absolutely no need to contact you and even less need to ask your DP to ask you. You are not a third parent.

fufflecake · 18/08/2022 16:16

greulsock · 18/08/2022 15:47

@Outlyingtrout yes, it's typically 'hi, would greulsock be able to have them...' for whatever reason (most of the time, if she knows he's working and unavailable). Blush

Jeeeez

His answer each and every time should be no.

Spohn · 18/08/2022 16:24

As if. Then he’d have to actually parent instead of palming them off on to his girlfriend

Steptoeandson · 18/08/2022 16:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ

MeridianB · 18/08/2022 16:48

Totally agree that it’s the not the comms you have to worry about here, it’s the very frequent childcare you’re doing for her (presumably outside your DP’s contact time?). This is not the norm.

It’s up to you if you want to carry on like this but I’d feel very uncomfortable with what looks like you being taken for granted. Presumably if the ex never contacts to ask you then she never gets in touch to say thanks, either? Does DP appreciate your help?

aSofaNearYou · 18/08/2022 17:36

They're not coparenting together so it "just makes sense" if you're the one doing the childcare, the cheek of your DP to say that. They are being rude. I would not do childcare for them,

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 18/08/2022 18:09

The amount of comments calling op a mug is baffling and ironic given another poster got ripped a part from those same posters.. saying that specific op clearly hated his DSC and she's was married to him so took on parental responsibility when she married...

Sigh. Honestly unless she texts you, I would say to DP actually no this isn't working for me please know it's a blanket no unless she asks me.

Neither mum or dad are your boss but you are being treated like a servant. Rip the bandage off.

fufflecake · 18/08/2022 18:53

Or start charging by the hour

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/08/2022 18:57

I don’t get why you say yes. Or why he asks. But definitely why you say yes.

Did you go looking for a man with kids you’d be responsible for so he and his ex didn’t have to do boring parenting like school runs? Or has he convinced you it’s a good idea?

I’m confused.

Pebbldashery · 18/08/2022 19:26

You have a DP problem!

saraclara · 18/08/2022 19:36

Tell your partner that this arrangement isn't working for you.

They're both doing it because you have appeared to be fine with it.

Cervinia · 18/08/2022 19:42

Tell your DH if she wants childcare she needs to ask you, directly, as you refuse to be treated like an employee of his. Fuck her.

MissMaple82 · 18/08/2022 20:12

I don't think I'd communicate with you either tbh and it's not something I'd get upset about.

aSofaNearYou · 18/08/2022 20:42

MissMaple82 · 18/08/2022 20:12

I don't think I'd communicate with you either tbh and it's not something I'd get upset about.

But you'd expect loads of childcare from her?

AubadeIsIt · 18/08/2022 21:41

I'd stop this now and reboot.

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