Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

DP's ex won't communicate with me

54 replies

greulsock · 18/08/2022 15:35

*Name changed so it isn't linked

I have been living with DP and involved with his DC for 2.5 years now.

From about 18 months ago, I became the default for childcare if DP's ex was running late, had something on, and I now do school pick-ups in the week for them.

BUT she will not communicate with me about this? If she needs me to have them (as I'm the go-to), she'll message DP at work to message me and have me let him know and then let her know. She has my contact details, but she'll always message him to message me to ask and then report back.
It doesn't matter how urgently she needs me to watch them, she'll still contact him when he's working rather than messaging me.

I find this bizarre.
At this point, I feel as though it borders on rude that she wants (essentially) favours from me but won't ask me herself and doesn't ever communicate with me to thank me for jumping in?

Just seeking other opinions because it just seems so strange to me but DP doesn't see the big deal? I think he sees it as they're the coparents who deal with each other, so it makes sense just to communicate through them two?
I don't know.

OP posts:
Namenamenam3 · 18/08/2022 21:45

No. Every time.

YoureFuckingWelcome · 19/08/2022 07:37

Why on earth are you doing favours for this woman on her contact time?

As people often like to say on here, her time her problem.

If someone was particularly friendly with me I may decide to help out every now and then but no way would I be doing regular childcare and school drop offs for my husband's ex on her time.

She needs to sort her issues out herself.

My husband's ex does do this occasionally. If he can't do something she asks her first response is usually 'well can X not do it?' to which my husband tends to just reply with no now.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 19/08/2022 07:41

Looks to me like you have fallen into the classic trap of going out with a man who wants to use you as a skivvy and nursemaid for his own children when he divorces. Men so often do this: replace the wife with a new woman to do the work for them. What’s in it for you? Why are you putting up with this? What about your own career? Your own long term earnings and financial security? Why are you working for free here? What about your own kids?

just check whether you are being taken for a mug by him, before you worry about her.

TooHotToTangoToo · 19/08/2022 07:58

Why isn't your dp having his dc?

Sorry, but sounds like she's taking you for a mug, there's no way I'd help someone out who didn't have the common decency to ask me directly, and ask me nicely. Next time she asks, tell your dp that the answer is no until she asks you directly, and if there isn't a please and thank you in the text she can go find another source of childcare herself

ImAvingOops · 19/08/2022 08:04

You aren't even married to this man and are already doing more parenting than him!
He's got it made really - no commitment but wifework on tap!
How do you manage your own job/social life etc if they just assume you are constantly available to pick up their kids?

Honestly, my advice is to stop being default childcare and see how your relationship goes when he isn't getting free labour from you.

magaluf1999 · 19/08/2022 08:14

I dont communicate at all with my DCs step mum. All contact goes through Ex. However, i never ask her for favours. If she needs to help DP out thats on him.

I chat to her and am pleasant if we cross paths or if i go to their home or she comes to mine for any reason.

Amandasummers · 19/08/2022 08:15

@greulsock you're being given a massive hard time here. You 100% deserve to be respected by her given all you do, your only choice is simply to bring it up with her. What more can you do? If you want to do what you're doing at the moment re:childcare that is!

I do childcare for my DP/his ex, and believe it not, I don't mind/am happy to/actually enjoy it......

Original poster
greulsock · 19/08/2022 08:38

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's good to see that I'm not just making a big deal out of nothing.

In defence of my DP, he has DC 50/50 and is a very hands-on dad in his 50%. These requests only come out of contact time, hence why it's when he's working. It feels unfair to say that he's passing off his parenting onto me/using me.
However, I think he should've said a long time ago that I need to be asked directly rather than defending this dynamic!

@Amandasummers that's the thing. It's not like I don't ever want to help. I just feel like I'm being disrespected in regard to my help!

OP posts:
fufflecake · 19/08/2022 08:40

greulsock · 19/08/2022 08:38

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's good to see that I'm not just making a big deal out of nothing.

In defence of my DP, he has DC 50/50 and is a very hands-on dad in his 50%. These requests only come out of contact time, hence why it's when he's working. It feels unfair to say that he's passing off his parenting onto me/using me.
However, I think he should've said a long time ago that I need to be asked directly rather than defending this dynamic!

@Amandasummers that's the thing. It's not like I don't ever want to help. I just feel like I'm being disrespected in regard to my help!

Ahh right so it's all on her contact time? Then absolutely no fucking way. She can find herself a new partner to palm her kids off on.

Steptoeandson · 19/08/2022 09:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ

DelphiniumBlue · 19/08/2022 09:48

Just say no. Better still, don't even respond.
You can tell him that anybody who wants to talk to you can do so directly.
Doesn't DP get embarrassed at passing these messages on to you?

Blendiful · 19/08/2022 10:31

I'd you don't mind doing it; that's up to you but I would be careful about being roped into it being expected.

However I think DP just needs to respond, can you sort it directly with (name), you have her number. And that's it. Every time, then she either asks you or she doesn't get.

thing47 · 19/08/2022 11:10

Yes, agree with @Blendiful. Say to DP 'If ex needs a favour from me during her contact time, she'll have to contact me personally. If the request comes through you (DP), the answer will be no.'

Midlifemusings · 19/08/2022 11:14

I think it should stay between him and her. They are the only two with childcare responsibilities. Your DP can say no or you can say no to your DP. Set up boundaries and expectations about the childcare you want to do or not do with your DP.

I don't think childcare should be a negoation between mom and dad's girlfriend at all. That is only going to cause conflict.

ImAvingOops · 19/08/2022 11:15

I can't imagine being such a cheeky fucker that when I want a favour I think it's okay to completely bypass the person who would actually be doing me the favour! How do people get to be so rude and entitled?

Personally I'd not be her back up childcare during her contact time - it's outrageous that she is asking this at all. Emergencies are the only exception I'd make. However, if you are going to continue then absolutely she needs to ask you directly. Your dp is at fault for not telling her that from the get go - it isn't up to the two of them to determine how you spend your time!

Mindymomo · 19/08/2022 11:18

DP needs to tell her, isn’t it about time you contacted ….. direct now. You don’t have to talk, but text communication should be ok. Can you give it a go when the DC go back to school in September.

although I admit, most people I know who have split up only communicate between themselves and not with their new partners.

Midlifemusings · 19/08/2022 11:18

This thread is the exact opposite of many threads where a step parent talks about spouse's ex contacting her for favours / childcare and everyong trashes the husband for letting his spouse do his job and how he is a loser for not being the one making all the arrangements and how it is only his and his exes duty to figure out childcare etc.

ImAvingOops · 19/08/2022 12:06

Well it is his and his ex's job to figure out childcare, but their childcare is basically the OP. So it's only polite that if the ex wants a favour, she should ask the person doing it!

Blendiful · 19/08/2022 12:16

I think in most circumstances though the ex is asking the other parent to help. And then new DP ends up doing it as a default.

This is a different situation, the ex is asking knowing it's DP who will be doing the care and is asking specifically for them to do so, not the co-parent.

Therefore if they have their number and are happy to ask for them to have the kids and there is no animosity I don't see why it shouldn't be direct. Especially if it is a regular occurrence.

I sometimes message ex to see if he can do stuff and he will say 'I can't but new DP said she will' fine I wouldn't directly ask her, nor expect her to but if he's agreed that with her instead of him ok. But I am asking him to do it.

I think that is the marked difference here. And if you are regularly asking a new step parent a favour happily then I do think you should be able to ask direct and also thank them direct, after all this is favours for on her time, not Dads.

Lilithslove · 19/08/2022 14:02

Blendiful · 19/08/2022 10:31

I'd you don't mind doing it; that's up to you but I would be careful about being roped into it being expected.

However I think DP just needs to respond, can you sort it directly with (name), you have her number. And that's it. Every time, then she either asks you or she doesn't get.

I agree with this 100%.
She asks ex, he asks you, you say yes. What incentive is there to change her behaviour - it's working well for her so far!

ImAvingOops · 19/08/2022 14:08

The only excuse I can think of for this is that she doesn't want you to feel obligated and feels you might find it easier to say no if she goes through your dp first.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2022 16:42

Midlifemusings · 19/08/2022 11:18

This thread is the exact opposite of many threads where a step parent talks about spouse's ex contacting her for favours / childcare and everyong trashes the husband for letting his spouse do his job and how he is a loser for not being the one making all the arrangements and how it is only his and his exes duty to figure out childcare etc.

But she is still doing his job. Or rather, on exams contact time she is doing her job. She's just not being asked politely and directly which she has said she would prefer.

Longdistance · 19/08/2022 16:48

Is it her asking you, or him being asked and you end up doing it?

If she’s bypassing you, I’d be pissed off. The dc are in your care.

Tbf, I think you do too much for both of them anyway. It’s their problem.

steppppp · 19/08/2022 21:40

Wha? he needs to tell her that you can't, and she needs to get wrap around care.

Windypants21 · 19/08/2022 21:54

I would make myself unavailable. You're being too nice , too accommodating, it will never be reciprocal. She and he are treating you like a doormat and unless you stick up for yourself now, this will only get worse in all aspects. If you now start to ask for reciprocal flexibility or not be as accommodating you will see how well this will turn out in the future. If you become the 'awkward ' one, then that's your answer.

Swipe left for the next trending thread