Balancing needs during holidays

[Lalaland2000]

I would value some 3rd party thoughts on a holiday scenario…

I have 2 teen DSC and a DC that is early school age. Up until this year, we’ve always done all holidays together including trips to both sets of families and overseas holidays as a unit. My DC has previously been in nursery on the weeks when his Siblings have been with their mum, which is 50% of the summer holiday.

This year has been the first year my DC has had a whole summer ‘off’ (ie they are now at school) so we have 100% to cover instead of 50%. My DP and I have therefore taken 1 week together and the rest as sole parents to do things with the children. My DP has had all 3 children for his time and I’ve got a week cross over and then the remaining time with my DC, when the DSC go to their mum, when I’ve arranged to take him to my parents for 1 week, which is around 5-6 hours away.

This morning my DP told me he feels unhappy im taking my DC to see my parents without asking my DSC along. I feel that’s unreasonable given 1) they are teenagers who wont want to hang out with oldies for a week, which is what my DC and I do when we are there as we only see them twice a year max. 2) they are going on holiday with their mum/family so I feel each DC has a ‘family holiday’ with relatives to look forward to 3) I don’t feel it’s wrong to want my son to have his own relationship with my parents, in the same vein that the DSC do with theirs. Likewise I know my parents value having quality time with my DC.

Am I being unreasonable?

How do your parents feel about spending a week with DSC? Have they offered? It seems presumptuous of your DP to put it on them - he's not even their son-in-law!

I can't imagine many retirees would be overjoyed at the prospect of barely known teenagers descending on them for a week, eating them out of house and home, being up half the night on their games consoles etc etc. If you're going to build any kind of relationship between your parents and the DSC, little and often would be a much safer bet!

@Lalaland2000
Go away with your dc and visit your parents, their getting a holiday with there mum so why shouldn't your son, don't let your dp make you feel quilty he can do stuff with his dc while your away, you will prop get people come on saying awk poor dsc being left out don't listen to them.

You're not being unreasonable at all. Ignore your DP and crack on with your planned trip. My teen DSCs have no interest in hanging out with my parents. Why would they?

I don’t think the OP said her parents were retirees? She did call them “oldies” (ugh) but that doesn’t mean they’re actually very old.

You’re not BU, OP. I don’t think your DH is particularly unreasonable for feeling upset about it, he’s entitled to his feelings but not to behave unreasonably about it.

I personally do cringe at the idea of step-parents doing things like saying it’s fair both DC and SDC are having a family holiday, with the implication being it wouldn’t be fair if the SDC came on DC’s family holiday. I get your point but it’s comparing apples and oranges. Our DC are never going to have an equivalent relationship with our SDC’s mothers and their family. That’s not me saying you should take them - not at all - just saying I don’t see the point in making decisions based on matching what the different sets of children do with their mothers.

I don’t see the point in making decisions based on matching what the different sets of children do with their mothers.

I agree with this. I think that as long as the children are treated fairly - which doesn't mean identically in all cases - then there shouldn't be a problem.

Your DP is being completely ridiculous. Why on earth can’t you take your son to see your own parents whenever you like?

Good grief. No. Don't get into competitive fairness. You can take your child to see your parents whenever the fuck you want. What does he expect, you to do nothing if they aren't there in case it isn't fair?

Well, life isn't fair is it? You can't walk on tightropes trying to balance everything for everyone. So what you want when they aren't there.

YANBU.
of course you can visit your parents without your step children! How dare he even raise it.

Not at all! Your DSC have other GPs your DC don’t share. My parent’s relationship with my son is entirely different to theirs with my SC, rightly so.

Thanks for all the comments. And whoops yes I maybe shouldn’t call my parents oldies but in my defence it’s what they call themselves (they are late 70s).

Someone asked what my parents would think and I know they would definitely rather spend time with my DC on his own, simply because they live a very long way away and see him so little so these meet ups are pretty precious to them (not precious enough to ever visit us, but that’s a whole other thread!).

I also agree with the comments about not needing to make comparisons. I do find I’m always trying to always make sure none of them ever feel left out/ treated less equally, to the point where I often get myself in a muddle to the detriment of one of them - e.g if the DSC weren’t going away with their mother for reasons in her control, I probably wouldn’t feel comfortable taking my DC somewhere unless they were included which isn’t always possible so my DC would just miss out. Events like Christmas are a nightmare because I spend the whole time fretting whether everyone has a perceived similar amount of gifts, that the DSC are doing everything they want in the time they are with us, and then at the end I feel like I’ve forgotten to even think about what I want.

I think this is why I am especially sensitive to comments like this morning - because for once I’d done what I think is right for me and my parents. It’s very useful to hear people’s comments because it’s quite a balancing act so always good to check what other people think and do.

So when your DSC are with their Mum for her 50% of the holiday you're supposed to stay at home and do nothing incase DSC miss out on something?

By your DP's thinking, he should be demanding that his ex takes your DC for her 50% of the holiday so they don't miss out on anything?

Of course you can do what you want with your DC during your time off, same as the DSC are having a lovely time with their DM during her time off. Your DP is completely unreasonable.

Why do so many women procreate with shit dads? Op you do not need to take someone else's children to stay with your parents. Neither side is likely to thank you for it, other than your lazy arse DP who gets off the parenting hook.

Fair enough with “oldies”, I was being grouchy - I have a dislike of the word, I find it too twee. But ignore me as I’m in a very irritable today

You’re right it’s a balancing act and it’s good to check in from time to time. I think you sound like you’re doing a great job. You’re sharing looking after the DSC during the holidays and your DS will have a lot of time with them. Absolutely fine that you want a week alone with your parents and small son.

If your DSC are both at least 16 and likely to go off and do their own thing for most of the week and help out by babysitting your son to give you some adult time, then that would be different and may enhance your trip. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

@Skyeheather Well yes, this is how I see it too. I don’t want my DC to feel like stuff can only happen when the DSC are around - they can happen 100% of the time. The same has happened at Christmas a few times - we cram all the family visits in while the DSC are here and then when they head to their mum’s everyone goes so that they don’t feel they miss out. But then my DC is left with no one but us. As he’s grown older we’ve started shifting this so that it’s not this brutal end of Christmas feeling, which has involved making the extended family (on Dp side) feel comfortable with it and reminding them that the DSC are fine and off enjoying the next wave of Christmas. It’s a balance where I don’t want them to miss out but equally, life can’t stop when they aren’t here. They are lovely children and I don’t think they are really anywhere near as fussed as the adults in their life!

Of course you're not being unreasonable! Your dp is. Does he always treat the older ones better?

I think you need to draw a clear boundary around this competitive ‘fairness’ crap. You can’t ever win at it. The children have different families with only some overlap - and the SC necessarily have a life with their mum that doesn’t apply to your DC.

it is not on for your husband to have you feeling so anxious about this. He needs to stop with the fairness stuff so you can simply relax. What you do with your annual leave in the time the SC are with their mother is entirely irrelevant to them. It’s the ideal time to visit your parents!

He cannot cure his divorced dad guilt by controlling what you do or translating it into eggshells for you to walk on. If he’s struggling with the realities of having children with different mothers (and all that comes with that), he should get some counselling to accept things and live with the concept if equity rather than equality.

This morning my DP told me he feels unhappy im taking my DC to see my parents without asking my DSC along. he can fuck right off.

@SudocremOnEverything yes I agree - it’s probably dad guilt which I’m taking on as my own. I agree he needs to make peace with it or find a way to move forward. I feel like my DC is growing up so fast so I don’t want to spend the whole time questioning my decisions. My DC is undoubtably happiest when the DSC are here too which I love but the reality is that they aren’t here all the time and we need to find a way to embrace the whole of our life - not just part of it. Having a special relationship with my parents is part of that.

@LightningAndRainbows haha - that is the angle I’m starting to take too.

Sorry its quite forceful I know but he is being absurd.

@Lalaland2000 Mum guilt is hard enough without taking on dad guilt for someone else's kids too.

You're not at all unreasonable.
Your DP needs to understand that whilst all 3 are his kids, your mutual DC is the only grandchild to your parents. They may choose to include the DSC but are under no obligation to do so.

I wonder if starting with the observation that your DC is less happy when the SC aren’t there if the place to start with him. That’s an issue - and it’s because if this attitude that it’s only a half life when they’re not there. It might help to get him to understand that and (if necessary) feel guilty about that. Not to make him feel worse but to recognise that this kind of thing is not alleviating the guilt; it’s displacing it on to his youngest and you.

The only way out of it is for him to properly process this stuff and recognise that your DC needs to feel that life is full and happy wherever you are in the SC’s contact cycle. He can reframe this to think: that’s great. I’ve had my annual leave with my three DC. @Lalaland2000 has had a week with all of us. Now she’s using some of her AL to take DC to visit her parents while the SC are with their mum.

no one is missing out. The DC are doing different things. But no one is missing out at all.

Good grief. You're doing a week of childcare for your DH and he's complaining about you taking your own child to see your family? He's being wildly unreasonable, and he should be very grateful.

For reference, my SC is never there DD, DP and I visit my family. They have a relationship with me and my DC that has nothing to do with my SC.

I think he's taking advantage of the fact you're inclined to internalise this and feel guilty when you really, really shouldn't. I think you need to start thinking about yourself and your own child more, rather than wasting his childhood fretting about the DSC being included in every little thing. It's fine for them to just be included when they are there and for you to go about your life the rest of the time.

The only possible way he could have some merit to his argument would be if you were taking your child to see his DP's, in that case you may consider taking the DSC also, but moaning because you won't take them to your DP's. Bonkers.

I'd ask him to explain why hes unhappy with this, if only to make him hear it in real time as he makes a total twit of himself.
No, you are not unreasonable. Your DSC do not get boxed up and placed on a shelf when not in their fathers care and there is no earthly reason why your DCs life should not continue without them either.
That's aside from the fact that your parents have little enough time with their own grandchild without shoehorning in a couple of unrelated teens to the mix.
To paraphrase The Great MN Wisdom - "he knew what he was getting into when he chose to have children with more than one woman" and one of the things he got into was having to accept that his children do not share a single set of relations.