Balancing needs during holidays

[Lalaland2000]

I would value some 3rd party thoughts on a holiday scenario…

I have 2 teen DSC and a DC that is early school age. Up until this year, we’ve always done all holidays together including trips to both sets of families and overseas holidays as a unit. My DC has previously been in nursery on the weeks when his Siblings have been with their mum, which is 50% of the summer holiday.

This year has been the first year my DC has had a whole summer ‘off’ (ie they are now at school) so we have 100% to cover instead of 50%. My DP and I have therefore taken 1 week together and the rest as sole parents to do things with the children. My DP has had all 3 children for his time and I’ve got a week cross over and then the remaining time with my DC, when the DSC go to their mum, when I’ve arranged to take him to my parents for 1 week, which is around 5-6 hours away.

This morning my DP told me he feels unhappy im taking my DC to see my parents without asking my DSC along. I feel that’s unreasonable given 1) they are teenagers who wont want to hang out with oldies for a week, which is what my DC and I do when we are there as we only see them twice a year max. 2) they are going on holiday with their mum/family so I feel each DC has a ‘family holiday’ with relatives to look forward to 3) I don’t feel it’s wrong to want my son to have his own relationship with my parents, in the same vein that the DSC do with theirs. Likewise I know my parents value having quality time with my DC.

Am I being unreasonable?

He CBA to look after the teenagers, can he?

That's what I'm thinking

Hahahah I just offered to take my DSC to see my oldies and she said she would prefer to pull her teeth out (she gets on well with my family) but la typical teenage responses she wants to see pals ect.

Doesn't find prospect of being away from her pals/Xbox so long even if it is somewhere teens would have a blast.

Sounds like your DH found it hard work and it wanting a bit of time off so using the
"fairness" angle to try and work it.

Go see your parents with Dc in tow guilt free. I think my teen DSC would prefer a visit to the dentist than me drag her around with baby and toddler at my folks.

He’s always been highly sensitive about the DSC. When I had my DC he asked me to stop saying ‘my first child’ even though it was ‘my’ first child which I found exhausting because half the time I was saying it as a new mum needing help - rather than to define anything to do with his other children. I really like his DC and we get on really well but neither they nor I have any interest in pretending I am in any way their mother. It doesn’t mean our relationship isn’t a positive one. I’m not sure why he’s the way he is.
I tried to speak to him with renewed confidence in my decision this evening but he has basically said he isn’t asking me to change my decision - but equally he doesn’t agree with it.
Much like the PP says, I genuinely don’t think the DSC care in the slightest. My mum sends them hand knitted gifts every Christmas (which for my unemotional mother is an act of love) and they don’t at all disguise their hatred of them so the last thing they need to do is spend a week of their holiday fighting back a wave of summer knitwear!

He’s always been highly sensitive about the DSC. When I had my DC he asked me to stop saying ‘my first child’ even though it was ‘my’ first child which I found exhausting because half the time I was saying it as a new mum needing help - rather than to define anything to do with his other children.

He sounds incredibly stifling and in denial about the reality of his situation, a denial that he is pushing onto you. He has chosen to have children with two different women, the second of which was a first time mum when she had her baby. He cannot force that fact to not be true, and he is totally riding rough shod over you, your life, and your needs (support) by trying to do so.

His attitude is a real problem.

I agree that his attitude sounds really difficult. His total lack of sensitivity to your transition to new motherhood must have been difficult. It’s such a big deal and having that dismissed because he already had some children with someone else is unfair.

As is his ‘sensitivity’ to you having a family who, inevitably, will have a different relationship with your child to his children. It’s not fair and he doesn’t get to ‘disagree’ with how you choose to spend your annual leave where you’re looking after your child so he can work. Especially since his other children are with their mother - enjoying their contact time with her!

Good for you for setting out your boundaries clearly.

When I had my DC he asked me to stop saying ‘my first child’ even though it was ‘my’ first child which I found exhausting because half the time I was saying it as a new mum needing help - rather than to define anything to do with his other children

From your first post I thought ah he's trying to shirk his time off with his Dc.

I have changed my position on it slightly and now say he's a massive arsehat. You don't have to justify to anyone that just because you aren't trying to be dsc mother that's automatically makes you have a bad relationship with DSC. Actually from my view it shows respect for their mum and DSC. It's sad he's got you thinking this way tbh.

As I said asshat. He chose to have children with two women but suddenly you can't go away with Dc to your parents, even though DSC would hate it because of his guilt. Nah not on. The only person he's thinking of himself.

I'm raging for you as a mum (just had baby myself) and you don't realise how vulnerable you are. I would start saying well actually your actually a parent to both children and not pulling your weight with baby so not in a place to criticise your "parenting" of DSC.

I would say it's disappointing you have taken this view as a partner and as a dad to our Dc, don't want you to do anything about it or change your view you just disagree with this mentality and you expect better from him in the future.

I don't know if I have mentioned it but he's ASSHAT.

Before I had my DC I was always one of those no regrets people - literally I never regretted a moment of my life or anything I’d done. My DC is not a regret before anyone panics, however I do massively regret how I allowed myself to be treated when I had my DC and it’s maybe a pre cursor to how I feel now.
My waters broke on a Monday when I was 2 weeks overdue. The DSC were with us as my DP had insisted the usual routine couldn’t change even at due date. We had to call his parents in the middle of the night (when my waters broke) to get his mum to stay with the DSC so we could drive 40 mins to hospital. My DC wasn’t born until the Thursday and it was a pretty rocky time before then, ending in an emergency c-section. Within hours the DSC were visiting and I somehow managed to get myself checked out the same day, which in hindsight was a mistake as we were back in hospital within days as I couldn’t breastfeed and DC lost a ton of weight. We had to stay in a ward while they fed formula to get things ok again and they helped me breastfeed. I felt under huge pressure the whole day because it was DSC birthday and my DP was desperate to see them. We ended up going to a birthday tea that evening, days after having had a c-section, a week in hospital, followed by a stressful few days with an ill and then hospitalised baby.

I look at photos of that day and I feel so sad for myself and regret I didn’t fight harder for myself and my DC. My DSC made a lot of comments about being excluded from our house and having to stay at granny’s (neither their mum or dad seemed to think it was more sensible they just went back to their mums so instead they were in limbo all week and their mum has since referred to it as when I ‘shipped them out’) and I remember just feeling that I wanted to get in a box with my baby and to close the whole world out. But instead I ate cake and pretended my life hadn’t just been hugely traumatic. I really regret that I didn’t just scream at them all to give me space and time to be a brand new mum.
I don’t know why I’m saying all this. Apart from that maybe this is why my nerves are raw and maybe there is therapy in writing this down.

...ending in an emergency c-section. Within hours the DSC were visiting and I somehow managed to get myself checked out the same day

A hospital let you leave the same day you had an emergency c-section?
Or alternatively: you were physically able to discharge yourself within 24 hours of having an emergency c-section?

Oh love. That’s awful. Absolutely awful.

You are much nicer and calmer about this than I was in similar circumstances. My STBXH are divorcing because we never recovered from his failure to actually consider anything but his own feelings about his other children when, actually, he needed to be thinking about me and his youngest child.

That’s not because I’m an evil SM who expects to be the centre of attention and is jealous of the SC but because a traumatic labour in which the baby very nearly died and ended in an EMCS is actually the moment when you prioritise your wife and newborn. It didn’t get better. He continued to let me down and treat me poorly. And now he will never actually live with any of his children.

I hope your DH can actually step up and sort himself out. Have you have some individual counselling to help you process all this?

@Lalaland2000 thay sounds incredibly traumatic and I can understand why that has stuck with you. I found it incredibly hard when my DSC came round for the first time after DC and that was about a week after. That is a time of your life when your family, and this includes DSC here, should have put you first. You shouldn't have felt like you had to do anything other than rest and cuddle your baby. I am so so sorry.

OP, after your last post I'd say your DH is extremely fortunate he still ha a wife and in laws to whine about.
My marriage would not have survived such naked contempt for me and my new born baby.

That is what you take from her story?

I agree. My own situation made me consider leaving, but yours sounds unforgiveable for me. Please take care of yourself, you've been through a lot.

@DuchessDarty i’m not sure if that is a genuine question about whether it was the first or second of those or if you are suggesting neither is true, but I agree with others that it’s a little sad that this is the only comment you can make on something so personal that I have shared.

Maybe you’d like to think a little more about the value of your contributions moving forward but since we are being pedantic, it was a mix of both of those - within 24 hours of an emergency c section I was able to tick all the boxes on the nurse’s sheet so that I was discharged.

@LightningAndRainbows thank you - that is comforting to hear that I wasn’t abnormal needing a bit of space in those first hours/days. Emotionally I was a wreck for weeks and physically looking back I do wonder how I did it.

@Lalaland2000 ohch I feel for you, I discharged myself with DD birth after my c section in similar time period because I just couldn't be at the hospital a moment longer (long sad tale as DD wasn't my first baby and I had what I now see as ptsd from my first birth). It does happen. But that was my choice. You had no choice and for that I'm so very bloody sorry.

I'm amazed you have stuck through this tbh as I am again changing my stance on your DH and he's been upgraded from asshat to 🛎 end of the year.

Has anyone suggested you you get any outside support/counselling because I'm not gonna lie that's a lot of trauma to go through. I know everyone says it on mn but here I mean it genuinely get yourself to some counselling.You deserve more than this 🛎 end of a man.

There's always the support thread bouncing around if you ever need safe space to vent. Your so incredibly vulnerable when you have a baby and it personally gives me the rage when people take advantage of vulnerable people.

I wasn't myself for months. I hate looking at photos of myself in the first couple of months as it triggers the feelings I had of just being so vulnerable feeling.

Thank you @pitchforksandflamethrowers and @LightningAndRainbows - Your empathy means a lot.
I have tried talking to a therapist in recent months but as dp and I both work from home, it was hard to be fully open because it’s hard to ever find time to speak fully privately so I gave up.
I do know this isn’t all about other people though - I’m aware I can be highly sensitive and over analyse everything and my dp thinks I act like a martyr to avoid guilt - which may well be true.
I just have this overwhelming fear now though that my son will grow up so fast and I’ll be so preoccupied with making other people happy, that I’ll miss it. Writing this thread has made me think maybe some of that has stemmed from unspoken emotions from his first weeks because I’m so aware I missed enjoying those very early moments because I was dashing to events I didn’t want to go to. So maybe if I can make peace with that, then I’ll be able to move forward.

I think I need my DP to understand that my experience as a mum of 1 is different from a dad of 3 and that it’s ok and isn’t an attempt to distance from the DSC - more a need to focus on the DC. I think I probably need to just grow a backbone and just get on with it.

You aren't being unreasonable at all, it sounds like the perfect time to visit your parents. If you were going without them when the step children were with you he might have a point but to go when they are with their mum? He's being irrational!

@Lalaland2000

dp thinks I act like a martyr to avoid guilt - which may well be true.

Interesting he used the word guilt because you don't have anything to feel guilty for. Perhaps it is actually DH who feels guilty for having another child ? Peoples statement about others is often a reflection of themselves.

It is very different being first time mum to dad of three, both realities can be true and you shouldn't have to alter yours to fit his narrative.

You need to find space for the counselling I realise with children and wfh it's a nightmare but maybe find one where you go to their house or go sit in car ect during that time. Everyone deserves a outlet even us sms. You can't heal from trauma your not allowed to talk about !

@Lalaland2000 Wow. The whole situation around your DC's birth is just utterly devoid of any empathy or consideration towards you. Can you speak to your counsellor from a parked up car?

Study the Personal Bill of Rights!
dharmaspirit.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Personal-Bill-of-Rights_Handout.pdf

Perhaps it is actually DH who feels guilty for having another child ?

I absolutely think this. He's forcing you to help him assuage his own guilt for leaving his previous relationship and is not prepared to support you in your own experience of motherhood.

You're their step parent. You don't need to work this hard for them. He can deal with his own guilt and you should get on with bonding with your child.

It’s an incredibly vulnerable time. Even with good support, it’s hard. In a hostile environment it can be utterly devastating.

i agree that it’s telling that he claims you’re trying to avoid ‘guilt’. You don’t have anything to feel guilty about. It sounds very much like projection from him. He feels guilty but finds it much easier to make you the problem than address his feelings or take responsibility for the choices he’s made.

It might be a good idea to use the time at your parents to think about the boundaries you - and your child - need.

It sounds very much like you feel like you’re missing out because he really does expect everything to revolve around what feels easiest to him. You and your child can’t live always in anticipation of the SC. That’s not fair.

It’s very hard to speak honestly in counselling with other people in the house - especially the people you need to talk honestly about. It might be better to find someone who’ll do in person sessions with you. Being in a neutral space can be very helpful.

i agree I probably need to find an outlet for my emotions. I did manage one session when he was out and it was like the floodgates had opened. The councillor asked at the next session if he was there and when I said he was, she just avoided anything related to what we’d talked about and it felt like a lid going back down.

I agree about the guilt element - he has a huge amount of emotion tied up with his DSC and his ex. I do understand how hard it must be not to have 100% access to your own children but he’s never made peace with it. It probably has made me hyper sensitive to it all. I know he doesn’t want me to be like that - e.g he thinks my fussing over Christmas is madness. But then other times like this holiday, he’s fuelling it.