Balancing needs during holidays

[Lalaland2000]

I would value some 3rd party thoughts on a holiday scenario…

I have 2 teen DSC and a DC that is early school age. Up until this year, we’ve always done all holidays together including trips to both sets of families and overseas holidays as a unit. My DC has previously been in nursery on the weeks when his Siblings have been with their mum, which is 50% of the summer holiday.

This year has been the first year my DC has had a whole summer ‘off’ (ie they are now at school) so we have 100% to cover instead of 50%. My DP and I have therefore taken 1 week together and the rest as sole parents to do things with the children. My DP has had all 3 children for his time and I’ve got a week cross over and then the remaining time with my DC, when the DSC go to their mum, when I’ve arranged to take him to my parents for 1 week, which is around 5-6 hours away.

This morning my DP told me he feels unhappy im taking my DC to see my parents without asking my DSC along. I feel that’s unreasonable given 1) they are teenagers who wont want to hang out with oldies for a week, which is what my DC and I do when we are there as we only see them twice a year max. 2) they are going on holiday with their mum/family so I feel each DC has a ‘family holiday’ with relatives to look forward to 3) I don’t feel it’s wrong to want my son to have his own relationship with my parents, in the same vein that the DSC do with theirs. Likewise I know my parents value having quality time with my DC.

Am I being unreasonable?

@SudocremOnEverything I agree on the in person sessions. I’ve never done anything like it before so it was a huge step to speak to a stranger about it and to be honest I feel like it ended up with me pretending things were ok because it just felt like a waste of time and money. But maybe it was just the wrong set up.

Your updates have been such sad reading. I had very similar circumstances to you when my DD was born, with the exception that on the same day my DD had to go back into hospital due to losing weight, my C section wound reopened and I had to have several days back in hospital dealing with a bad infection. It was very traumatic, and my DP was there every step of the way. It ended up being a couple of weeks after she was born before DSS was able to come over, I can't remember exactly how long, but this was never raised as an issue. My DP would never have put that on me at that time, and the relationship would not have recovered if he had! It was simply how the cookie crumbled and there were pressing emergencies to be dealt with.

I think you've been treated appallingly. The way you describe feeling when you were able to speak freely about things that concern your DH, vs how much you are bottling up the rest of the time, is very telling, and shows what a profound, negative impact he is having on you. I would prioritise finding counselling that can be done out of the house so you can pick this all through in a neutral space without his presence looming over you, but also yes to the backbone. He's lucked on finding someone gentle natured enough to put up with all this and not put him in his place. He's getting away with disregarding you and trying to - whether he realises it or not - bully you into centring your life around his older kids and the guilt he feels about not living with them, because you're letting him. You don't have to!

@aSofaNearYou thank you for your kind words. It’s weird that it’s taken writing it down to realise how hard I found /find it all.

Where I am lucky is that the DSC are genuinely lovely and much more empathic than their dad (with a scattering of usual teenage rebellion & drama) and I’m so happy my DC gains so much from them being in our lives. But I agree, I need to make sure that the whole family is considered and that we all get what we need out of our holidays/home/life.
I was a hugely career focussed, independent, sociable person before I met my DP and I think moving away from all of that both physically and mentally has trapped me in a cycle where I’m living a life that has consumed who I used to be. I guess no better time to try to change things than today.

🎉🎉🎉🎉

@DuchessDarty

😂 wow - just wow.

What a void I shall have in your life now that you are no longer here to challenge my lived reality. Enjoy the regained time you now have in your life, now that you are done second guessing mine.

dp thinks I act like a martyr to avoid guilt - which may well be true.

It's always useful to consider people own viewpoint when they offer opinions. This sounds a lot like projection to me.

I'm very sorry you had such a challenging experience at birth. I hope you can have time and space to heal. All the very best.

You and your DP are over thinking this. I have DC with different needs (all my own not DSC) and have taken them on separate holidays. If your DP feels guilty he can take his teens somewhere your youngest would not enjoy. I wouldnt make children of vastly different ages do everything together. I bet the teens have ideas of things they would like to do with their Dad without having to fit round a little one eg ride massive rollercoasters or mountain biking.

It's really not unheard of. My second was a emergency and I got discharged and the baby.

Hospitals in Uk don't worry some much about breastfeeding just that the baby is eating.C section mums are usually turfed out after 24hrs now days to release beds. When my mum had me they didn't discharge for 5 days and that was also until Bf was well established. Things have moved vastly on now days.

Just because it doesn't correspond with your normal doesn't mean it doesn't happen, or that op is lying.

To a mum who's experienced birth trauma that comment could be perceived as unkind, I'm not saying it was your intention but that's very much how it came across.

@DuchessDarty your perspective on reality.
My lived experience marries up with what OPs has said. Twice.

Uncommon maybe but not according to my midwife friend or any of my other friends who have had sections.

Different strokes and different folks and quite likely different trusts policies on c sections. Certainly it's different in the Uk to where I was born so I'm aware there is variation but to deny variation to me is unhelpful and unkind iMO.

We will have to agree to disagree.

He's being unreasonable. Crack on op & have a lovely time with your parents & dc x

Clearly I meant ‘jug’ above, not ‘hug’ - although at that time I’m sure both could have been applicable 😂

Its very tough. Your DH is going to destroy your family if he carries on like this though

So sorry you have been through these horrible experiences both in RL and on this thread.

I'm afraid it seems as if your DP is focussing on completely the wrong things: treating different people exactly the same might just be easier for him to justify himself as 'treating all DC equally' takes more though its better parenting to treat each DC in the way that is equitable.

Hope this image helps to show what I mean

I agree that ‘well the SC get to do things with their mum’ is a response to the ridiculous replies people get here.

I do think that so many MN posters - especially the ones who are most likely to claim to be all about the children - seem to forget that the shared DC is a child (are children) too. And that their lives are made more challenging because the SC come and go all the time. Even more so if their dad is motivated by divorced dad guilt.

I guess it’s the same as turning the ‘you knew what you were getting in to’ or the ‘poor SC are victims of an adverse childhood experience’ thing back on to the SC’s parents, and their father in particular. It’s just part of the same tendency to expect little of men and excuse their choices that you see in so many places. If they get divorced, remarried and have another child with their second wife, then we somehow hold the second wife responsible for everything. And act like he’s father of the year for seeing his kids (even if he’s devolved all the practical responsibility to his wife).

Yes it's very rare imo for people to actually consider resident DC on threads here. It's is solely about DSC and poor them.

Imagine though not even being able to enjoy a day out with your mother / father without it turning into the shit show you see on here time and time again.

There are quite a lot of scenarios on here I've seen that I've thought must be pretty shit for resident DC too but no one seems to give a toss.

They had just as much say as the DSC did about the situation.

It’s always really pronounced on bedroom threads. Near adult SC who must have their own rooms, while the resident child sleeps in the corner of their parents’ bedroom (and feels grateful his parents didn’t divorce 🙄).

genuinely, a lot of these scenarios sound like a recipe for the resident DC growing up wishing their parents would divorce so they can be treated like they matter too, and resenting their (golden) half siblings.

At least if their (evil SM) mother stands up for them and acts like their mother, they might feel like some adult in their life lives them. But the posters of MN seem determined to advise her to lock her DC in a cupboard and focus on the ‘poor SC’.

If Cinderella were in any way a reflection of real 21st century life, it would be dad and SC fussing over the nonresident SC while their shared DC doesn’t get to go to the ball.

@SudocremOnEverything NRPs must provide luxury for the children while simultaneously handing over their salaries to their exes.

Definitely. The CMS amount is always ‘the bare minimum’ pittance, even if you have them 1/3 to just under 1/2 of the time and it’s £650 a month.

At no point is anyone allowed to do the calculations[1] and say: does this child really cost £3,900 a month on their own? No. You’re supposed to say: here exW, have £1k a month to keep you in the style you want to be accustomed to. Because at no point should an exW be expected to take financial responsibility to address any drop in lifestyle post-divorce.

I say that as someone who receives child maintenance for two children. I receive a bit less than the CMS rate for my older DS because, frankly, I’m not looking to make a profit from it. I receive to the penny the CMS rate for the toddler and it doesn’t even cover half his childcare costs for me to work. But that’s life - the CMS rates are calculated on what’s easy to quantify, and bear no relationship to costs or anything meaningful.

Yes it’s terrible that so many men don’t pay maintenance at all. Or that self employed men can scam the system. And the £7 a week lots of maintenance is calculated at is a pittance and doesn’t cover anything - but, equally, it’s a small proportion of a pittance and the NRP on benefits is still having to house, feed and clothes himself and the child.

But it does not follow that all NRPs are paying a pittance and not contributing anything to their children’s upkeep.

[1] in that example maintenance is £650 a month. Parent 1 has them 2/3 if the time and parent 2 1/3 of the time. Maintenance is to cover the NRP’s half of the 1/3 of the time that the RP has the child over and above the NRP. So the £650 is 1/6 of the costs. Scaled up… nearly £4k. If the NRP pays £1k, then presumably the child alone needs £6k a month to keep alive.