Can't win whatever I do

[HandbagsnGladrags]

Does anyone else feel like however they raise issues about the stepkids with their partner, they get accused of always picking on them? Similar thread on this recently.

My 14yo SS doesn't have a huge amount of common sense. Has to be told to lock the house and close windows if he leaves and there's no one in. That kind of thing. This morning my husband went out leaving SS with the dog downstairs, patio doors wide open. I was upstairs in the shower. I was quite a while as I thought I didn't need to rush back downstairs. Come down to find SS has gone to his room, leaving doors wide open and dog free to roam in garden. Dog is fine to be left however my issue is one of security and I prefer for him to be watched if he's outside, even though our garden is secure.

So I don't say anything, because from previous experience it always turns into a row and me 'picking on' SS. Then a couple of hours later we were popping out to shops and leaving dog & SS at home. Doors were open again, SS downstairs. I insisted on closing and locking patio doors in case SS didn't stick around again. We get in the car and I get the 3rd degree for why I locked up when SS was downstairs. So I told him what happened this morning and he gets all narky with me saying 'there's always something....you have such high standards that you're always picking fault' etc etc.

So what am I supposed to do? Apparently I should've raised it with him 'in the right way' but I couldn't exactly have a conversation with him this morning after it happened as SS was around. And like I said before, every time I raise an issue it somehow turns into being my fault for having such high standards?? I mean, I'm not sure that wanting your house to be secure and the dog to be safe from dognappers when everyone is upstairs is a particularly high standard but hey ho.

I feel like I just want my house back under my control and not to have to worry about having someone else in the equation.

Sounds like a typical teenager.

Perhaps it didn't occur to him? Unless you live in a high crime area why would you shut the patio doors when you go upstairs/watch the dog in the garden? I struggle to see where your threshold of acceptability is with that.

This was my thought. I would regurlay leave our back door open if I'm upstairs having a shower.

I don't have a dog at the moment but I did as a kid and they were never supervised in the garden.

To give some context, the dog is a puppy. And it would've been about half an hour where the doors were wide open.

Maybe I'm more security conscious than most. But am also interested in how other step parents raise issues. Or do you just bite your tongue and move on?

It does sound like you have very high standards tbh. Plenty of teenage boys do lack common sense and it is incredibly frustrating, but I don’t think the problem with the doors is about a lack of common sense. You’re expecting him to be able to read your mind. You think he should know your preference, but that’s all it is, a preference. It’s not like he failed at something basic like leaving the house unlocked to while he went out or letting the dog escape through an open gate.

It’s a bit annoying but I’d expect your husband to have locked up. He’s the husband and father. It’s his dog. It’s his responsibility - not the responsibility of the 14 year old boy. Surely as an adult who has a new puppy you think ‘okay I’m going out, shall I leave the patio doors wide open with the puppy running in and out?’

My husband left his son downstairs so I guess he thought he didn't need to lock up.

Tbh, if my DP micro manages at home (this occasionally happens when he's stressed with work) I'll tell him to back off my DC...which seems like what your DP did.

I find if I lower my expectations with my SDC and disengage it really helps. Not my circus, not my monkeys; if I have an issue that is bothering me I'll mention it to my DP and he can deal with it...unless its disrespectful or dangerous.

I still fail to see your logic of a puppy being in the rear garden. Perhaps you need to take a step back or re-evaluate if this living situation suits you.

Your husband also left his puppy downstairs with the doors ‘wide open.’ He presumably did not ask his son to look after the dog or ask him to shut the patio doors as the dog (which doesn’t belong to the 14 year old) might go outside. That’s your husband’s fault. He didn’t take care of his own puppy, instead leaving the responsibility on somebody else without properly communicating with them. That’s his fault.

Sorry, it's a front/side garden. With patio doors at the front. Unusual set-up. We often have delivery people not close the gate properly so I guess I worry.

Fair point - maybe he should have told his son what to do if he decided to go upstairs.

My first thought is why lock the patio doors when it’s so hot so your dog can’t get into the garden? In this weather it’s often cooler outside

Is your son able to open the patio doors from the inside to let the dog out?

In terms of biting your tongue, I don’t think you should always have to. It’s your home too, and presumably your dog. Your DH may have a point about you “always picking fault” but it’s hard to know with little info. Certainly with my own teens and when DSD was a teen I found that the way forward was often biting my tongue. That’s because as a generalisation teens are sensitive creatures and need a lot of positive reinforcement even though they would probably deny that.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t be able to have some non-negotiable rules that you will point out. Teens and children also need to learn that adults will have different standards/quirks about how things should be done in their home. My DH gets wildly irritated by a few things I don’t and vv. It’s all about balance and tone. And it can be a pain in the arse.

Is it worth a chat about expectations with DH when DSS isn’t there, so you’re on the same page? Otherwise this could just get worse as DSS comes and goes more throughout his teens.

Definitely have a chat about expectations with DH. If he gets the hump, tough.

Been through this and more. Have now disengaged (best decision) and neither SC have a door key.

I have spoken about expectations. I think the problem is that he thinks mine are too high. This house was mine before I even knew him and it was my haven when I divorced. I think that makes me quite protective.

We went through a phase where DP felt that I was always picking up on everything so I try to pick my battles and be clear on why I’m saying something. It’s highly frustrating as I’m not sure it’d be like that with our own DC

The thing that frustrates me is that I don't pick up on anything that I wouldn't pick my own daughter up on. Not that she spends much time at home any more. But I'm battling against him spending more than half of his week at his mum's where there are no rules. It's the age old step parenting story.

@EvieJeanBengal - I think this 'your house, your rules' is really the wrong way to go about things.

I live with my DP in a house that he solely owns. We set our rules based upon us as a family and us as a couple. For me to think that I was living by rules that he gave my DC and I would be damaging to our relationship.

In our household we are equal; he and I, my DC and the SDC. It's a home for all of us and thats it.

That being said, now the OP said that it's a front/side facing garden with public access, she needs to have a conversation with her DP on what feels right for her and any reasonable person would understand and this expectation - this should be relayed pretty strongly to DSS. If the DP is not taking this on board, and it is how the OP describes then it's a DP problem not a DSS problem.

The OP has not said anything about SN but it is a consideration

SN in your niece is not a representation of SN in all DC.

I let my dogs out all the time in the garden and don't watch them.

Is the garden secure? Was the gate closed?

I think in this case you picked the wrong hill to die on and you probably should've chosen a different example to stand your ground on.

@tinplantpot yes it's secure but as I've already said, it's front and side facing with a gate which is often left open by delivery people.

Long time ago my friend took an afternoon nap.
She left her back door unlocked.
Intruder came in & she woke up just as he was entering her bedroom.
I would recommend always locking external doors when showering/napping/going out. This is total common sense & step son needs to have that drilled into him.

Also, puppies & dogs are being stolen from gardens all the time. Thieves are brazen and will climb gates/high walls etc to grab a dog. I don’t blame the OP for being vigilant about security.

As it is her house, I’d be having a serious pow wow with partner & his kid about house rules. Her house, her rules until that status changes.
On the face of it totally understand her frustration.

I'm very security concious too but this wouldn't have bothered me. I thought while reading he was home alone and left leaving the house unlocked but as you and he were there I can't see an issue.

I understand that.

But if the gate was closed, what's the issue?

I check my gate when I let the dogs out as delivery people leave it open. But once I've checked it, unless there's been a delivery, I leave the dogs outside (they are outside right now lying on the grass)

It’s not ‘her house’ though. That’s a really dangerous form of thinking. When you invite someone to live with you, it’s ‘our house.’ You don’t drive over them because you lived there first. If you want to be like that you’re better living alone.

And as for having a big fuss about ‘rules’ and going off on the boy, saying he should have locked up etc - does that actually help? OP seems desperate to blame him, but wouldn’t it be better just to say ‘oh DH, James doesn’t remember to lock up so if you’re going out you need to remember since obviously we have a pet we need to take account of.’