Can't win whatever I do

[HandbagsnGladrags]

Does anyone else feel like however they raise issues about the stepkids with their partner, they get accused of always picking on them? Similar thread on this recently.

My 14yo SS doesn't have a huge amount of common sense. Has to be told to lock the house and close windows if he leaves and there's no one in. That kind of thing. This morning my husband went out leaving SS with the dog downstairs, patio doors wide open. I was upstairs in the shower. I was quite a while as I thought I didn't need to rush back downstairs. Come down to find SS has gone to his room, leaving doors wide open and dog free to roam in garden. Dog is fine to be left however my issue is one of security and I prefer for him to be watched if he's outside, even though our garden is secure.

So I don't say anything, because from previous experience it always turns into a row and me 'picking on' SS. Then a couple of hours later we were popping out to shops and leaving dog & SS at home. Doors were open again, SS downstairs. I insisted on closing and locking patio doors in case SS didn't stick around again. We get in the car and I get the 3rd degree for why I locked up when SS was downstairs. So I told him what happened this morning and he gets all narky with me saying 'there's always something....you have such high standards that you're always picking fault' etc etc.

So what am I supposed to do? Apparently I should've raised it with him 'in the right way' but I couldn't exactly have a conversation with him this morning after it happened as SS was around. And like I said before, every time I raise an issue it somehow turns into being my fault for having such high standards?? I mean, I'm not sure that wanting your house to be secure and the dog to be safe from dognappers when everyone is upstairs is a particularly high standard but hey ho.

I feel like I just want my house back under my control and not to have to worry about having someone else in the equation.

Your husband isn't parenting if he thinks no issues should ever be raised or discussed with your step son.

I think it's the defensiveness that I struggle with. Any issue I raise turns into 'you hate my kid.' When in reality I don't raise anything I wouldn't pull my own child up on.

I think you need to download the book stepmonster. It's a enlightening read.

For any child or adult under this roof be SDC or Dc they all have the same rules. Get DH to confirm those rules and say ok you broke x rule that means y happens.

If your DH gets in a huff ask why do the rules apply only to some people of the house. He essentially is saying shut up I don't wanna hear it and you bare the brunt. It's up to you whether that's something you want to live with or not.

House rules for all kids and adults is a start. Ones created together as a unit, not using live examples, just x is acceptable y is not ect

I always shut and lock the back door if going upstairs. Our house backs onto a park which loads of people walk through. Although not a high crime area, some thieves/attackers only need to sense an opportunity, and would easily walk though an open door. I certainly wouldn't see locking downstairs doors as being excessive when you go upstairs, particularly as I only have my DC now, and no DSC.

This was a common issue with my EX. Wasn't able to resolve it as he became entrenched. Anything I did for our joint DC automatically meant (in his eyes) that I didn't like his DC. Anything I pulled his DC up on (tripping the little ones, intentionally pushing the little ones, not sharing with the little ones) was a sign to him that I hated his DC. His DC could do no wrong.

Tiptoeing around on eggshells about what I could and couldn't do in my own house became so exhausting, I left in the end. I didn't want my DC growing up with that warped thinking.

Sounds like you rushed into marriage which is a real pity as you had your home.

His defensiveness is very unattractive.

You do not sound happy, which is understandable.

I lock my back doors, despite having two large side gates and I would be horrified to be in the shower and to come down and find back/french doors open.

Day time robberies are more prevalent in my urban setting than night time ones.

Dognappers 😆

I don't know why that's funny?

Presumably you lived separately before? ...it might not be quite as cost effective but should be doable...id rathed have less money but without all the stress and resentment because thats a horrible way to live and yes it could be better in a few years.....but equally not! Imagine feeling this way about an adul...what if they dont work/contribute etc then....if your dp not on the same page now....whg chsnge??

My step children have the same rules as my children. Same expectations and same rules. Make it clear what you expect from them and they'll know what to do and where they stand.

We did, but I extended my house so that his kids could have bedrooms and now my mortgage is much bigger.

Them living here as adults is not happening and he knows this. That's the point at which I would kick them out and downsize.

I think you are both BU

Your DH needs to get over himself and stop being so defensive. You have to be able to raise minor issues to do with DSS without him having a conniption fit and accusing you of victimising him.

You clearly need to unclench about security and stop trying to micromanage people, and you definitely need to accept that teenagers aren't adults and do need reminding about things like locking doors. Your level of anxiety about the dog is OTT. You've said yourself the garden is secure, yet you're panicking because DSS went upstairs and the dog had access to the garden? I couldnt live with you, I would find it exhausting.