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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Can't win whatever I do

61 replies

HandbagsnGladrags · 13/08/2022 15:07

Does anyone else feel like however they raise issues about the stepkids with their partner, they get accused of always picking on them? Similar thread on this recently.

My 14yo SS doesn't have a huge amount of common sense. Has to be told to lock the house and close windows if he leaves and there's no one in. That kind of thing. This morning my husband went out leaving SS with the dog downstairs, patio doors wide open. I was upstairs in the shower. I was quite a while as I thought I didn't need to rush back downstairs. Come down to find SS has gone to his room, leaving doors wide open and dog free to roam in garden. Dog is fine to be left however my issue is one of security and I prefer for him to be watched if he's outside, even though our garden is secure.

So I don't say anything, because from previous experience it always turns into a row and me 'picking on' SS. Then a couple of hours later we were popping out to shops and leaving dog & SS at home. Doors were open again, SS downstairs. I insisted on closing and locking patio doors in case SS didn't stick around again. We get in the car and I get the 3rd degree for why I locked up when SS was downstairs. So I told him what happened this morning and he gets all narky with me saying 'there's always something....you have such high standards that you're always picking fault' etc etc.

So what am I supposed to do? Apparently I should've raised it with him 'in the right way' but I couldn't exactly have a conversation with him this morning after it happened as SS was around. And like I said before, every time I raise an issue it somehow turns into being my fault for having such high standards?? I mean, I'm not sure that wanting your house to be secure and the dog to be safe from dognappers when everyone is upstairs is a particularly high standard but hey ho.

I feel like I just want my house back under my control and not to have to worry about having someone else in the equation.

OP posts:

Original poster

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/08/2022 07:51

Ok, so the postman comes while I'm in the shower. Accidentally leaves the gate open. Dog escapes. SS's bedroom is at the back of the house so he wouldn't see what was going on in the garden. I'm in the shower at the back of the house, also wouldn't see.

I'm a bit at all these people who are lax with their security.

OP posts:

tinplantpot · 14/08/2022 07:53

It's Sunday. There's no post on a Sunday.

Original poster

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/08/2022 07:56

tinplantpot · 14/08/2022 07:53

It's Sunday. There's no post on a Sunday.

It was yesterday!!!!

OP posts:

AlisonDonut · 14/08/2022 07:57

OP you need to agree with your partner that either the garden is secure or it isn't. If it isn't then you need to agree that the dog only goes out when you are there as neither of the other people in the house seem able to close a damn door.

weekendninja · 14/08/2022 07:58

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/08/2022 07:51

I'm a bit at all these people who are lax with their security.

Moving forward OP this is something you're going to have to find a solution for. Say the dog lives for 15 years...that 15 years of watching it each time it goes outside. Perhaps a fence within your garden to create a barrier may help?

tinplantpot · 14/08/2022 07:59

Ah. I didn't see the date on the app!

Still. It's normal for a dog to poorly in the garden. Get a letterbox on the outside of the gate? One the post and small deliveries can go in to? Padlock the gate and put a doorbell on it that a delivery driver has to ring?

Original poster

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/08/2022 08:01

Or how about people just close the damn door when they go upstairs - it's not just about the dog. Burglaries happen in daylight all the time!

OP posts:

cook64 · 14/08/2022 08:02

why dont you fit a spring to you gate so it closes by its self

tinplantpot · 14/08/2022 08:03

cook64 · 14/08/2022 08:02

why dont you fit a spring to you gate so it closes by its self

This is also a good idea.

tinplantpot · 14/08/2022 08:04

And poorly should've been pootle.

AlisonDonut · 14/08/2022 08:07

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/08/2022 08:01

Or how about people just close the damn door when they go upstairs - it's not just about the dog. Burglaries happen in daylight all the time!

Yes but you have said that the garden is secure. It sounds as if it isn't. But if you are saying one thing but that thing isn't actually the case then you need to agree with your partner that the garden isn't as secure as you thought and so you all need to shut the door if you aren't there.

Original poster

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/08/2022 08:36

TBH this was more a request for advice about how to raise issues without him going off on one. The door being left open was just an example.

OP posts:

ClocksGoingBackwards · 14/08/2022 09:11

If you want people to close the door if they go upstairs, just ask them nicely. You might have to remind a teenager about it on a regular basis, but that’s normal, teens are known for being a bit scatterbrained. The problem you have is that you’re expecting people to just know what you want, even though you’ve been told that you have high standards that are impossible for them to live up to. You’re not listening to that, your just insisting that your right, but even if it was your house alone before, you chose to open it up to others so that means inevitable compromise.

If you want advice on how to raise issues, first decide if something is actually an issue. This isn’t one. It might have become one if you’d asked nicely a number of times and were being ignored, but that’s not what happened.

If you’re still determined this is an issue, then you deal with it by making sure everyone knows your preference, and then if you go upstairs leaving your dss downstairs with the door open, just remind him as you leave the room.

‘I’m just having a shower so don’t forget to shut the door if you go upstairs’ should suffice.

tinplantpot · 14/08/2022 09:12

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/08/2022 08:36

TBH this was more a request for advice about how to raise issues without him going off on one. The door being left open was just an example.

I get that - that's why I said in my first post that you picked the wrong hill to die on

Studyafter40 · 14/08/2022 09:20

If there is an outside gate on the garden and people walking past then it's not secure. It's completely different to a contained back garden that only borders other people's gardens.

I agree with you op, I have a shared access back garden so never let the dog out unsupervised. It's really not hard to do if that's what you are used to. I don't have general advice on your situation as I'm not a sm, but for this particular problem I'd just take the dog with me if I went upstairs or in the shower. I always shut my dog in the bedroom if I have guests or tradesmen as they'd never think to keep an eye on the dog.

Bananarama21 · 14/08/2022 09:24

If you have a puppy you need to crate her when you shower then. It's your choice to have the puppy not your stepson. I speak as someone who does have a puppy. We also leave the back dog up for her so she can have access to go to the toilet or run around. If it's enclosed I don't see the issue. If I'm going in the bath and shower I crate her unless dh is about its not the dc responsibility to look after her.

Bananarama21 · 14/08/2022 09:28

I also have a 14 year old and I'd still crate the puppy is my responsibility not his.

Original poster

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/08/2022 09:48

Bananarama21 · 14/08/2022 09:24

At the risk of drip feeding, therein lies part of the problem. SS has made a big deal about it being his puppy too and he wants to be responsible for looking after him etc. But when it comes down to it, all he really wants to do is play with him when he feels like it. So if I crate him and take away the responsibility, I get accused by H of not letting SS do anything for the puppy. See what I mean about not being able to win?

Also....trying to leave him loose downstairs for half an hour at the time at the minute which is by the by, but not strictly crating every time we leave the room.

OP posts:

tinplantpot · 14/08/2022 09:56

Stepson is 14. They all talk crap about how much they are going to do with the pets. And they all make a big show of them being their pet etc etc but leave parents to the grunt work

averythinline · 14/08/2022 10:27

Maybe dp/ds would be better living elsewhere....i can hear your frustration and annoyance...and to be fair your requirements aren't a lot but equally i can see why a teenager doesn't necessarily think through shutting the door either ..my dc same with dog here too....

Your dp getting defensive is not helpful but you and him need to either agree an approach or he has to step up more....so u come down door open...u fone him he deals with it ...
Or u deal with it and he doesn't get to moan about how..

If he doesn't like thst maybe live separately????

pastaandpesto · 14/08/2022 10:38

Do you think this living arrangement is working for you, OP? I have a 14 year old DS and there is absolutely NO WAY I would want to share my home with a teenager that wasn't mine. It can be a frustrating age and it's hard enough sometimes when they are your own flesh and blood.

Original poster

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/08/2022 11:54

Believe me I have thought about us living separately but it's not as easy as that is it, without limitless funds.

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 14/08/2022 12:52

14 year olds lack maturity especially boys still crate her. My.son walked my puppy last week bloody came back pitted. I had to bath her lesson learnt he's not old enough for the responsibility. You are linking it to a step son situation when in reality he's a typical 14 year old lazy boy.

DuchessDarty · 14/08/2022 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Ableist comment

Referring to someone as “he’s special needs” and as your “special needs niece” is a derogatory way of referring to people. Particularly the way in which you said that “even” your niece can be depended on. The term ‘special needs’ covers a wide gamut of disabilities and conditions, but it’s clear here you mean someone with neurological differences/cognitive impairment. So dismissive and insulting.

“He has special needs” is fine (although a lot of people these days prefer “is disabled”). Better yet, when referring to your niece, state what her condition is. Humanise her.

ComeOffIt · 14/08/2022 14:54

My husband does this about DSC leaving their rooms in an absolute fucking tip 'they are just being kids'.

Yes they are. I get that. It doesn't mean you never raise it with them though.

It may just be typical teen lack of awareness but as the parent you still say something. You still say 'hey DS can you shut the doors if you go upstairs in future please, thanks'.

You don't just leave them to do whatever not mentioning anything ever because it's 'typical behaviour'.

My room was sometimes a mess as a kid too. My parents still told me to tidy it, I probably forgot to do things similar to your DSS not shutting the doors, my parents still mentioned it to me and so on..

Your husband isn't parenting if he thinks no issues should ever be raised or discussed with your step son.

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