It's never going to get better, is it?

[HollyGoLoudly1]

No problems with my DSD; I love her, we get on well, always have.

But her mother. My God. 6 years down the line (7 since they split up, I'm not OW before anyone asks) and yet another weekend is being ruined by yet another kick off.

How naive I was to think that being considerate, calm and reasonable would get us anywhere. Nothing we do is right and no opportunity to make life difficult is lost, no matter the cost to anyone including DSD.

It's her way or the highway, she's right we're wrong - always - and there seems to be absolutely nothing we can do about it. Except put on a brave face for DSD and pick up the pieces like we always do.

And rant on MN.

you took the words out of my mouth…although 13 years since split, and 7 years since I rocked up!
And it’s DSD and DD who lose out 😢

13 years 😥There's no hope then?

We also have a DC together and you're right, they lose out so much too with the inconsistency and cancelled plans.

You are braver than me. I dated a divorced man with an utterly poisonous ex and we split. Two years later we got back together and I thought, 'Things will be better now'. Nope. Nothing had changed. He basically had to appease her until their child was old enough to see his dad without her consent so that was at least twelve more years of misery. I walked away.

Sorry OP and good luck.

Brave or naive?? I would never leave now but boy did I have zero idea what I was letting myself in for. I have no idea how DH copes with her.

Well that's not true, I do know how. He copes because he has to for his DD's sake.

How old are children before they start being able to see their parents independently? When can they decide?

Is there anything at all that he could do to make things easier and give her less influence over your household? Is contact court ordered and maintenance via CMS? Comms between them at an absolute minimum and only by email?

There may be nothing but worth asking. I’m really sorry things are so hard.

Usually teenage years op but beware if the ex is really toxic it can spread to the kids that plus hormones may not always end up with a happy outcome.

Sorry op I know it's not the answer you would like !

My DSD is only 10 but I already worry about this. I can see small things creeping in, little things she says that I'm 99% sure isn't truly coming from my DSD.

I take it you've been through this?

Maintenance is via CMS, always has been so no issues there.

Communication is a huge issue for DH but he has asked countless times for her to stop contacting him unless about DSD and necessary, only use email, onky in writing, use a 3rd party family member etc. but she never agrees. She thrives on the drama and despite the abuse she hurls about how it's all his fault and how terrible he is, will never agree to any of his requests about limiting contact. Despite the clear benefits for everyone, including herself.

He can block her on everything but email. He’s got choices. There’s no point asking someone so unreasonable when you know they won’t listen.

Just buy one of those cheap phones. Give her the number and switch it on once a week.

cab you be more specific in what she is doing that’s causing you most upset?

He blocked her once before and she refused to let him see DD until he unblocked her. Then will periodically block him because she says she can't deal with him. But won't use any of the countless other solutions he comes up with to avoid them having to communicate directly or see each other in person. It's Kafka-esque at times.

And yet step parent always get a hard time on MN, you should love them, you're not a parent blah blah
The DM is a saint, when in reality a huge amount of first wives are abusive and manipulative to their former DHs.
All I can advise is your DP needs rock solid boundaries, we're 6 years in and it's not much easier, the two eldest keep in contact and make arrangements but still odd requests that we can tell is coming from their mother; requests for ££

It's shit and it doesn't get better most of the time. It will affect DSD and she may well distance herself from everyone in the future. I think you need to give what you can emotionally afford to give without having any expectation of getting anything back.

It's shit and it doesn't get better most of the time. It will affect DSD and she may well distance herself from everyone in the future. I think you need to give what you can emotionally afford to give without having any expectation of getting anything back.

Apologies, no idea how the triplicate has occurred!!

What upsetting me this time? A refusal of a (polite, I saw the message before sending it) request to change the place where they do the handover. It is actually closer to her house so would benefit her. She won't let him pick up from house (don't even get me started on that one, he used to but she moved in with her boyfriend so he's got to meet her in a car park now). It was a flat no and then streams of utter tripe about how he's useless and always changing things to suit him and how he needs to be a better parent like her and put DSD first. All untrue.

It's just constant things like that. It occasionally is calm but often escalates quickly for no apparent reason. You never know what reaction you're going to get. It's the inconsistency that really gets to me, I find it so upsetting and stressful when plans fall through or I'm trying to support DH through another kick off. It feels like a neverending battle.

And knowing that ultimately DSD will inevitably be influenced by her mum (we have started having a few 'well my mum says...' comments) and that may well negatively impact her relationship with us is just heartbreaking.

We definitely need better boundaries. But it feels tricky for him to put his foot down when she has all the leverage as she has DSD the majority of the week. He puts a boundary down, she messes about with contact. And blames him. 'Oh well I tried to call during the week to tell you DSD can't come this weekend but seems that you blocked me'. That type of thing.

That's good advice. There will come a breaking point I fear.

It sounds like you need court orders, or at least some kind of formal mediation, to agree custody arrangements and ways to contact. At least she’s doing it all in writing so your DH has proof.

Is there a court ordered child arrangements order? If not then it sounds like your DH needs to get legal advice and apply for one, some people just need that firm legal boundary to keep unreasonable behaviour in check.