It's never going to get better, is it?

[HollyGoLoudly1]

No problems with my DSD; I love her, we get on well, always have.

But her mother. My God. 6 years down the line (7 since they split up, I'm not OW before anyone asks) and yet another weekend is being ruined by yet another kick off.

How naive I was to think that being considerate, calm and reasonable would get us anywhere. Nothing we do is right and no opportunity to make life difficult is lost, no matter the cost to anyone including DSD.

It's her way or the highway, she's right we're wrong - always - and there seems to be absolutely nothing we can do about it. Except put on a brave face for DSD and pick up the pieces like we always do.

And rant on MN.

I agree with this. Parents who cannot see beyond their own wants and needs (even if they dress this up as ‘acting in the best interests of the children’, possibly especially when this is the case) do enormous damage to their children and everyone else around the children. Then they blame the other parent some more, of course.

I agree our situation was extreme. When I first met DH he was going through court to get contact. He had got to the stage of supervised contact when I met him. At the beginning of their split he had the children all the time so she could go out with her friends. When she realised the overnights would affect the cm she could claim she accused him of threatening to kidnap the children first of all and then made allegations of abuse.

When she found out he was starting a new relationship she made new allegations which resulted in him being arrested and held in a police cell for 6 hours. At their next hearing she told the judge the police had told her he had done what she had alleged. All lies obviously.

At first I couldn't believe her behaviour and thought he was exaggerating until I saw it firsthand. There is so much more but too outing.

In my experience she was allowed to make all kinds of malicious accusations, she could ignore court orders and she could change arrangements on a whim and DH has to suck it up or accept he wouldn't see his children. There were no repercussions for the lies she told and not sticking to the court order. DH even now never denigrates her to the "children" because he didn't want them to have to chose.

As I said at the beginning this is an extreme case but there seems to be no protection against people like her.

Unfortunately after separation the worst behaved parent seems to get away with all sorts.

The entire system seems to enable awful people to continue mistreating their exes after the relationship ends, and using their children to achieve it.

Have you done this yourself, self-represent in court? I'd be really interested to hear about anyone who has been successful this way.

DH self represented. It's stressful but not difficult and they are helpful.

Go to court. Get a order.

Then block the mother as there’s no need to speak. You have your time slot from a court order.

My partner and the mother of his eldest hardly chat. She last sent a message May.

If she messages anything that’s not about the child or doesn’t need a reply, he simply just ignored it and any other messages she sends after that.

I'd just like to correct the perception that court orders are expensive - they aren't..You can self represent and it costs a couple of hundred and nothing if you are low income.

It's really quite easy and I know several parents that have done it including my ex. People appear to be blowing huge sums on expensive solicitors when it's really not necessary.

How do you begin to go about it? How do you know what paperwork to submit and where to find it?

@Steptoeandson

I'm not trying to imply you spent a fortune for no reason, its personal choice and many people don't want the stress or feel terrified of the idea.

But many people simply aren't aware that its perfectly possible to self represent in family court custody cases for next to nothing. There are support forums, how to guides and even Tik Tok videos to help.

I often find cost is used as an excuse by some fathers as to why they don't see their children and its wholly disingenuous in my experience. There are however others that are missing out because they just don't realise it can be done and that's such a shame.

@Steptoeandson

I disagree and that is based on both personal and professional experience including in abuse cases. I've seen many non resident parents make successful applications to increase contact by way of self representation.

I think perhaps I've hit a nerve but please don't feel you have to justify your decision. You made your choice for whatever reasons and that choice was the right one for you. Equally if perceived cost is the only thing stopping a father from obtaining the contact he wants with his children then he should be aware that SR is not only an option but indeed can be more successful in some cases.

One of the many hearings where DH self represented his ex was trying to prevent him collecting the kids from school and wanted to stop his Sunday overnight as she insisted he had to take the kids back to hers on Monday morning so she could take them to school. She said the extra early morning was tiring for them.

Posted too soon. The judge tore strips off her.

Asked why she objected to him collecting the kids from school. She said she was worried he would forget. Judge asked her if he had ever forgotten to collect the kids from hers on a contact weekend. Answer was no so judge decreed he should collect the kids from school on a Friday.

She then said regarding the kids being tired in a Monday morning because they had to get up early the obvious solution was that their dad should take them to school.

They are not stupid and could see when his ex was being obstructive. Unfortunately getting the court order was the easy bit. Enforcing them not so much.

I think the only way is to have arrangements that are set in stone, and for whatever reason, do not change them unless it’s an absolute emergency.

Any flexibility means contact, and if that is problematic, then cut it out from your side. A formal court ordered arrangement could help if this really doesn’t work. He could mute her messages to him and never look at them. If the arrangements don’t change, no reason to communicate.

@Steptoeandson

It seems you are taking this personally though as you responded to me initially when I had not directed my comment towards you.

However I would take issue with your assertion that our opinions are equally valid in relation to law. Just as I would listen to a doctor about a medical diagnosis over a member of the general public, I would imagine a solicitor of nearly two decades has more experience than yourself.

I won't engage further as you appear to be a dog with a bone about this. I suspect its because you feel defensive about spending such a large amount of money. There's no need. Have a good evening.

15 years for me and I can finally see the light at the end of the crazy tunnel...DSD is 18 and about to head off to uni. We have absolutely no need to communicate with ex anymore unless in an emergency.

The spring in my step is unreal 😂