How should I have responded to DSS?

[toogoodforthisworld]

All the kids were removed from mum due to her addiction issues. They see her occasionally. The court only allows supervised visits.
We have the younger 2 with us on Holiday- and are here for 2 weeks. The elder DSS's 2nd hand phone just gave up the ghost - it was on its last legs but he got it for Xmas last year. So it's basically 2 years and 6 months old .
He is furious as it means he can't have any contact with his mates. He said he is not coming with us again and wants to stay with mum.
I said very kindly: 'I wish you could mate..'

What would have been a better way to reply?
I love him to bits and he is in therapy already (at his own request)
Any tips? Thanks x

Are you abroad? Dont understand why he can't just replace his phone otherwise.

Why is he furious at you?

He said he is not coming with us again and wants to stay with mum.
I said very kindly: 'I wish you could mate..'
What would have been a better way to reply?

Depends how old he is and how obnoxious and mardy he was being, but I don't think you said anything wrong.

I think that could certainly have been interpreted by him as "I wish you weren't here as well", whether you meant it that way or not. In an ideal world, "I know it's hard, I'm sorry I can't fix it" would have been better. None of us says the right thing every time though, and in the context of a stable and loving relationship I wouldn't fret too much about one comment.

Honestly can't believe you said that to a child who has been removed from his mother.
You can handle it by apologising and making a conscious effort not to joke about his living arrangements that are no fault of his own.

Replace it with what? We can't afford 2 new phones at the moment. The youngest's phone got smashed up a month ago. We have saved for this (quite simple but abroad) holiday.
They don't want to earn the money. They just expect us to buy them.
But that's not my question- how should I have reacted to his remark about wanting to stay at his mums? When it's actually against the law for him to stay there?
He's just mad because he doesn't have a phone

how old is he

I know this isn’t the done thing on mumsnet I have quite a few old phones kicking around, probably got an iPhone somewhere if he would like it? It’s not the newest but it works?

She wasn't joking & she wasn't being mean. You're reading the tone completely wrong.

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey
Are you taking the Mickey?
No way was I joking about his living situation- I was empathizing with him that he had to be with me and his dad ffs!
I wanted some tips on how to react if and when he says something like this again.

I understand why you would feel like that, but as you know that's not possible right now.

You could just say you understand.

How old is he? As a few above said a simple, I understand but you know that's not possible

Thank you! Yes this is what I meant xx

I think its one of those comments that is open to interpretation..... Someone might hear it as "i wish your mum was a better mum and I am sorry you are having such a hard time" equally they might hear it as "I don't want you here I wish you weren't here" ....but we aren't all perfect and sometimes the perfect words don't come out of our mouths.

That is so kind of you. But I have no idea how to contact you. 😂you're lovely even thinking of offering that. X

I know you do mate, but it's not possible or safe right now.

The issue with what you said is that it can very easily interpreted as you not wanting him there/living with you.

I assumed you meant that you wished that for him (to be able to be with his mum), not that you wished he wasn't with you.

If that's the case, talk to him about it and clarify what you meant and acknowledge how much he must be missing her.

Oh for the love that's all that's holy here we go.

Tbh that would have been my response if I had been in your shoes and he old enough to know right from wrong, if your narky with someone sometimes they give it back and the way I read it It also acknowledges that you do wish he could see his mother. Which considering the circumstances, most people would want their sc to have contact with their mother because it must be incredibly painful not to.

It is neither of your faults he doesn't have contact with her and he probably is mistaking blaming you in his anger.

Sounds like actually you are closest thing to a mum he has and as a result he's taking it out on you.

Once you would both and cooled off I would have said sorry your phones broken because we can't afford a replacement. But I'm not gonna be emotionally blackmailed into replacing it with the threat of you moving to your mums which you know you cannot do but I do wish the circumstances were different so you could see her and I know it must be very frustrating. Then stop talking and listen.

I imagine he suggested it because he knows he can't do it and deep down is angry at the situation.

Teenagers do and will come out the other end. Until then 🍷

He is 15. And a lovely person. Me and him get on great.
That's why I want tips as I want to support him better. X

Exactly! I knew it was wrong the moment I said it. I meant well it just came out shit

@toogoodforthisworld

I think what you said was meant well, but as you can see, people that lack maturity may not have 'got' the tone.

I would be sure to say to him that you live having him, but you wish for THEIR sake, the relationship with their mum was easier. Etc.

If he's happy to second hand phone you can pick them up reasonably cheaply. A friend suggest backmarket to another friend the other day, and another friend bought A13 phones for her kids, they're not terribly expensive, but expensive enough if you tight on the pennies. Or you could ask on SM WhatsApp groups etc if anyone has a handset they're happy to get rid of.

a pp also offered one. Years ago it wasn't an issue on here to offer things to each other, unfortunately a few trolls really spoilt it, but it can still be a nice exchange.

try not to take his reactions/behaviour personally, it's really not, most of them can be somewhat revolting at that age, without his background!! 💐

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
Yeah thanks for the tip. (I'm not mad at all btw). But I like your comments- I will try to start a convo later - and then listen) when he has cooled down a bit. Xx
Problem is he is amazing at debating and talks me under the table

You can talk to him about it more when he’s calmed down - say something like “I know you must miss your mum, and I know you want to see her. I really wish we could make that happen for you but it’s not safe. I know it must be really hard and I wish things were better for you but we love you and we’re here anytime you need to talk.”

You could have said

"I'm sorry that's not possible, I know it's crap not being able to keep in touch with your mates and you might feel like you're missing out, but we can't afford to buy another phone at the moment"

Your reply can be interpreted as you wished he could stay with his mum so he wasn't coming with you.

How did his siblings phone get smashed up?

I'd split what you've saved for his sibling's new phone into two pots and if possible get two cheaper second hand phones not new ones. If they want newer then they can help add to the pot by selling things they don't use, old video games/old toys etc and maybe also offer to do odd jobs for neighbours, car washing or garden tidying etc.

If you don't have enough to replace with two cheap second hand ones then I'd save the same amount to each pot and if the kids can't wait then as above, they pitch in and add to their pot.