How should I have responded to DSS?

[toogoodforthisworld]

All the kids were removed from mum due to her addiction issues. They see her occasionally. The court only allows supervised visits.
We have the younger 2 with us on Holiday- and are here for 2 weeks. The elder DSS's 2nd hand phone just gave up the ghost - it was on its last legs but he got it for Xmas last year. So it's basically 2 years and 6 months old .
He is furious as it means he can't have any contact with his mates. He said he is not coming with us again and wants to stay with mum.
I said very kindly: 'I wish you could mate..'

What would have been a better way to reply?
I love him to bits and he is in therapy already (at his own request)
Any tips? Thanks x

I misread OP, I thought you said you'd saved for his siblings new phone after his got smashed up . Ignore me 🤦🏿‍♀️

We offered to give him money for his birthday in 2 weeks - and that he can put that towards a phone. He actually refused. Said he couldnt get a job so how was he supposed to save for the rest. We regularly offer his the chance to earn 5 pounds at least 3 times a week but he never wants to earn it.
It's not really about the phone though it's about how I could have responded better.
X

Yes, poor choice of words as could be taken two ways. I assume he knows he can't stay at his mum's and why? If not then surely it's a conversation his dad should have had by now and if he does know then I don't think anything needs to be said about it, he was just upset and sounding off. Smartphones are only designed to last 2-3 years I believe, can you not get him a dirt cheap one? A teen without a phone is likely to think their world has ended.

Got to really admire a child that is able to recognise he needs therapy and then actually request it as well. More than a lot of adults are capable of.

@toogoodforthisworld well your a better women than me because I would have been mad tbh, probably would have muttered exactly the same in dammed frustration at the situation but I get you.

This sounds like a lot and just so you know your doing a good job 💐

Thanks for the love. Appreciate it

Speak to him and clarify your words explain what you said and what you meant. We all put our foot in it occasionally.

You will be teaching him we all misspeak and that adults apologise and correct their errors. And keeping communication open.

I reckon any 15 year old who can't live with a parent due to addiction will need careful support.

The phone and the attitude is probably coming from the sense he has little control of his life. And to be fair their phone is their link to their peer group so I imagine it's unsettling.

You are doing your best that is all any parent/step parent can do.

@Marblessolveeverything
Yeah I'll wait til he's cooked off and then clarify what I meant. Thanks

If anyone is interested-
I spoke with him last night and asked did he get that I meant I understood where he was coming from and if the situation was different it would be lovely for him to be able to stay with mum.
He said 'yeah course' as if I were totally weird to think I could have meant anything else
He even made me my lunch today..
DH is getting them cheap phones and will order to arrive when we get back to UK. And is talking to them about them doing odd jobs to help pay for the phones.

@toogoodforthisworld I'm glad. It's a nice reminder that just because on MN everyone reads something badly into a thing sm say but at least in RL our SC actually know us and don't have those issues.

Your step son is lucky to have you !

Lovely update 💕

Important to note here that (to paraphrase) “on MN everyone reading something badly into a thing SM says” did NOT happen here. Only a couple of posters said what the OP said was mean; the vast majority helped with preferable wording which was the OP asked for. Practically everyone got that although what the Op said could potentially be misinterpreted badly, she didn’t mean it like that. For one thing the OP made it clear she knew what she said was open to interpretation which is why she asked for advice.

As a SM I’d really hate for other SM or SD to be put off posting for advice because they believe exaggerated and ‘absolute’ statements. Most posters in this section want to help

Sorry OP meant to add, I’m really glad you had the chat with your DSS and he’d understood what you meant. I’m sure your tone s d expression when you said it made it clear.

@DuchessDarty granted it was tongue in cheek expression but one born about spending vast amounts of time on here. I think most people would get that (but hey some may take that incredibly literally so good point)

Think I think most posters have their own opinion on whether they feel safe enough to post. Actually I remember a thread that people shared just how welcoming they found the board and I think those comments speak for themselves.

Let's not however downgrade what was said, as words have power (as you pointed out) and actually yes this thread stayed fairly nice considering what usually happens but what was said was a little more than "mean". It's best not to pretend otherwise this board is kittens and rainbows or people really won't post..

I honestly don’t know what you mean by more than a little mean other than one post. Which got called out, but which remains - if it was so bad it would be a candidate for deletion so I hope you reported it if you felt it was so bad.

I don’t think “tongue in cheek” comments that talk about posters in absolute terms, ie “everyone” is helpful. It’s potentially stirring in my view as it’s on a topic where there has been division. And yes some people do take things “incredibly literally” as you should know as you have a DSD with ASD.

@DuchessDarty you and both know the report function only works for swearing and something truly horrific(even then) i imagine a lot more comments from certain posters would be deleted...

Ironic you talk about not wanting creating division and pull my DSD diagnosis into a random thread... but sure .

Speaking of since you know all about me you will also know I am to asd on spectrum and I'm sure I don't need to tell you it being a spectrum some of us can even understand tongue in cheek. Hence spectrum.

As I said I explained my comment and my reasons and yes I could have put "most" but please don't preach about not causing division and pull my DSD into a random thread. What your doing is fairly clear to see, it's not clever and I won't have her diagnosis used in that manner. She is more than diagnosis and words on the internet. (Apologies to anyone reading this wondering why I'm getting fairly het up about this, I'm very protective of my DSD and this type of thing narks me)

So let's agree to disagree and move on. You have your views, and I have mine and other will have others.

What's that saying about opinions and aseholes..

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I apologise for bringing in your DSD's ASD. You're right that was wrong of me. I did so out of a sense of protection for people with ASD as my DC has it and they've been bullied for taking things personally. It's taught me to try and be clear on message boards. I also think it's generally tiresome to equate one or two comments to "everyone" and to make absolute statements. But I am sorry for mentioning your DSD.

I think that you weren't being tongue in cheek so much as deliberately wanting to point out that you think SM get blamed too much. It certainly wasn't even "most" posters that was mean, it was one or two out of many. "Mean" btw was what I said those one or two posters said about the OP's comments - you implied in your response it was what I was saying about the responses.

Looking back at the responses, I only think one was "mean" and not more than that as the poster wrongly thought the OP was joking when she wasn't.

I'm perfectly happy to move on but if you're going to suggest that, best not to then end on a statement about opinions and arseholes.

@DuchessDarty you have proved my latter point rather eloquently for me. You are entitled to believe or disbelieve whatever you like as. You are speaking to the person who typed it and that's probably as close as your going to get to in terms of looking inside my head. It is simply a matter of opinion not fact.

For reference and since you mentioned it I do think sm get a hard time on here being believed as just humans who make mistakes rather than some Disney villain but I also think that some mums get also a hard time on here because we are all usually wrong at the wrong person iMO (typically the dad, but not always). I'm not talking this thread obviously.

But that's not why I said what I said. Although you may not agree (your your opinion and one which your entitled too)

I have never professed to wording things perfectly but the irony is still not lost on me in terms of you correcting my wording (fine) because it creates what might seem to some as a hostile environment and using DSD diagnosis to do it. That enough shows behaviours I have commonly seen here iMO. You and others may disagree.

I have corrected what i should have said,( most for clarity) and because it's the internet your right some might not get tongue in cheek.

Im happy for you to come at me personally I have done many many things wrong which I'm sure you could name if you wish but leave my DSD out of it. I have corrected my first statement but I stand by my last. Opinions are like asholes, everyone has one, and when you use someone's family in debate, don't expect it to stay friendly.

I mentioned moving on because this conversation is no relevance to the op and me and you are just not going to agree here. If you were looking to show this board that people can play nice, I suspect you may have done the very reverse.

Anyway toodles

Angry** ffs auto correct

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I apologised for bringing your DAD into it - you have ignored my apology but I assure you it was genuine. And to use your own point: evidence that on this board, some posters do apologise for overstepping and misinterpreting and wish to work things out.

I’d seen on the support thread your DsD has ASD and I remembered it because I related to it.

I don’t really get the points you’re making, I find it worded in a rather obtuse way. But I am of course happy to move on, it’s why I apologised.

DSD not DAD

I think you’re overthinking the remark and being too hard on yourself, OP. It sounds like you have a great relationship, so it’s not like it was said in the context of much bigger problems between you.

The phone sulking sounds normal for 15. You’ve given him the offer of some cash and the means to earn more but he’s turned it down, so I’d completely tune out any further comments about it.

Presumably you get no maintenance from his mother, so it’s a good time for him to understand budgets and learn that material things don’t grown on trees.

This is tough OP. I take it he’s a teenager? I honestly would have just said something along the lines of
‘I sympathise, but phones break. Your brother doesn’t have a phone at the moment either. But when we’re home, we can talk about how we can go about getting you a new phone, but it has to be earned and not expected.’ And left it at that. If your willing or your DH is willing, can yous give him a shot on either of your phones so he doesn’t feel isolated from his friends? I hope you all are able to enjoy this holiday.

apology accepted. It's hard to tell if people are being genuine on the internet or maybe that's just my brain that doesn't always get that.

I am by nature very obtuse (asd/ personality quirk idk). My DSD has had a rough time of it and is one of the few people who I get emotional over and I am very liable to going off on one when it comes to people referencing her and for that I apologise. Of course I recognise she's not "mine" and have no right to be as protective of her as I am, but given we are both prone to being mistaken by NT people, it's a hot button for me but regardless not your fault or something you should need to manage 💐 I need to work on it.

I'm gonna have some wine 🍷

@DuchessDarty (sorry for spam everyone) I forgot to tag.

Another update -
The boys are being absolutely fantastic.
And the holiday is lovely.
To the poster who asked: Yes that is correct: Mum has never paid anything.
She told the 15 year she would pay half of this costs for his monthly membership to a special group. And that she'd drop the cash off to me.
I 'foolishly ' agreed to pay the other half and have the membership taken from my bank account - lol... of course she never brought any money.
The first time The money was due I asked him to ask his mum to pop the money over. And he said she was bringing it soon. Ive never mentioned it to him again except to say (when I realized this was a hopeless cause) : I wasn't going to ask him again about the money as his mum must be struggling with money and that I'd pay it, no worries. Poor scone. Just makes me sad for him.