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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Really struggling with being a SM

60 replies

Krcforest · 05/07/2022 21:11

I've been with my partner for over a year and he's got a daughter who's just turned nine. We live together and are now 9 weeks pregnant with our own baby. My partner is quite wealthy and spoils his daughter a lot because be only has her every other weekend. This has been fine because I stood back and just let him do what he wants as she's his child. But since we moved into a house together she doesn't respect either of us or our house or anything in it. She says horrible things and he doesn't do anything about it. When she's with us all she eats is chocolate and crisps, I ear really healthy and make kid friendly meals for every meal for her and she just sits on her phone and refuses to eat it. Her dad ends up just letting her eat her desert instead and it's really getting to me because our child will not be allowed to act like that and I don't think its fair that she'll be allowed to eat whatever she wants. Also the rubbish food is causing her stomach problems and she's had poo accidents while with us. Anytime I try to speak to my partner about it he says that I'm attacking his parenting and he's just trying to stop her from having a meltdown. He says he doesn't believe in discipline and he just tells her that she's upsetting him but she honestly doesn't care and just laughs in his face.

OP posts:

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 05/07/2022 21:13

Step back. Let him deal with bad attitude and a bad belly.

You really aren't sm yet. Don't be so keen to have the title.
Let him pander to her.

Thepossibility · 05/07/2022 21:14

I think you're lucky it's only every other weekend. Let him cook for her. Let him deal with her behaviour, go out while she is there and leave them to it.

HotDogKetchup · 05/07/2022 21:16

I was in your shoes and what I found is that my DC copy DSS and now during contact time I have two kids talking to me like rubbish.

bumpytrumpy · 05/07/2022 21:17

This is why you should have taken more time to build a relationship and understand his parenting skills before moving in & getting pregnant.

A 9yo soiling themselves is very extreme. This is not a minor problem that's going to go away.

You're in for the long haul. Just look at the threads around this board.

If I were you I'd leave and find someone without all the baggage.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 05/07/2022 21:18

Try and see it from her point of view. She barely knows you and now you are both having another baby together. She's going to feel pushed out and rebelling against this.
Also did you know he doesn't believe in discipline when you decided to have his baby?

redwaterbottle · 05/07/2022 21:30

You've both jumped into this too quickly when you didn't even know the type of father he was. Poor child, her dad has a new girlfriend who has moved in and a new sibling coming soon.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2022 21:36

I don’t want to be mean but you’ve got to know this isn’t going to work. He literally admits he doesn’t agree with discipline, or taking care of his young child well giving her a decent diet or teaching her manners. Stop cooking for her, it’s a waste of food. And think about being a single mum because you’ve picked a man as you’re child’s father who is doing an absolutely awful job of raising his existing child. It’s going to end in tears.

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 05/07/2022 21:36

@bumpytrumpy I agree.

I think your post is out of order. Are you really concerned about the poor child getting stomach problems?

Maybe dad should sort his priorities out which is his DD first because for you to be taking on a step mum role soon wouldn't sit right with me anyway. It seems now you have your own baby on the way you want to be mother of the year!

If you was so concerned why didn't you flag this to OH before getting pregnant?

Original poster

Krcforest · 05/07/2022 21:41

And just to let you all know we didn't plan to have a baby, I've been infertile for 5 years so this baby is very much a suprise so that's why I wasn't bothered about his parenting. We live together so soon because I have a house 2 hours away from her school and we've just bought another one 30 mins away to make it easier for her. I take my step daughter to school and go to all her school and after school activities because neither her mum or dad can be bothered.

OP posts:

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 05/07/2022 21:46

Her mum can't be bothered? Neither can dad?

Did you date your OH purely for wealth. My God it gets worse..

Original poster

Krcforest · 05/07/2022 21:49

Also she doesn't know that we're having a baby yet. We were going to wait till we knew the gender so thats not making her act up. She doesn't act up towards me anyway I'm the only one that actually gives her attention in the house because her dad works long hours and she's usually in bed by the time he's finished.

OP posts:

Original poster

Krcforest · 05/07/2022 21:54

No I didn't date him for wealth. We are in the same social circle and used to live a very similar lifestyle. I too have a good income and not being able to have a family meant that I wasn't bothered or knew anything was wrong with his parenting. I didn't spend a lot of time with his daughter because they went to Sweden to see his family during the holidays. She asked to come and live with me instead of a hotel while our new house was being sorted and I drove her 2 hours to school every week and we really bonded. Her mum has recently requested to move her back into state school and she's really upset about it because she has a lot of friends so I personally think this is causing her problems.

OP posts:

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 05/07/2022 22:05

Krcforest · 05/07/2022 21:49

And you think this man is going to be a good father to your child?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2022 22:11

Well it gets worse and worse. You should have cared that he’s a terrible parent because it says a lot about him as a person.

If this is real then I’m appalled you think so little of yourself to be with a man who’s so pathetic.

You won’t change him. You’ll grow to resent and despise him if you don’t already (you obviously should). He won’t step up for your baby.

He’s a lazy, selfish, uncaring, useless specimen. This little girl is his flesh and blood and he couldn’t give a shit.

You’re not coming across like the brightest spark to be with someone like that.

Original poster

Krcforest · 05/07/2022 22:18

From what I knew about him before I got pregnant I thought he was a good dad. He sent her to the best school, she always looked presentable. She was polite and clever when I first met her but recently she has changed. I am close to ending my relationship with him because we don't spend a lot of time together and I don't agree with how he lives his life anymore. But I'm also scared that our child will be treated the same way as his daughter is when she's with him not me.

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/07/2022 22:28

Yeah, I get it. If you're a career woman and infertile, you won't be spending your evenings on Mumsnet - no need. So I can see why you wouldn't have given the parenting much attention. Don't beat yourself up, we pay attention to what we need to, one thing at a time.

Do you want this child? You're not married, so the choices are yours. Not sure about adoption if the father's family puts a bid in, but somebody must know the ins and outs.

There'll be harsh words here, but you've taken a sensible first step - asking around for some advice. Chin up.

Original poster

Krcforest · 05/07/2022 22:46

Yes I really want the child. I have citizenship in America because of my parents and I've been tempted to move and bring up the baby with them because they are great to be around but then I think its unfair to his family and his step daughter.

OP posts:

doodleygirl · 05/07/2022 22:52

The child is 9, in her short life her parents have divorced and she will have dealt with all of the issues that go with this. You have been with this man for a year and are already pregnant, he is a disney dad and shows such little regard for her welfare that borders on neglect. It doesnt matter a jot if he is wealthy or if she goes to the best schools.

I'm sorry to be rude but you are a fool and he is not going to change anytime soon.

LightDrizzle · 05/07/2022 23:04

God! I’d be on the next plane to America. The longer you stay, the more of a shit show this will become and you will be trapped.

It’s a disaster and if he doesn’t believe in discipline and ignores his children and prefers them to shit themselves rather than model, provide and encourage good nutrition then this unborn baby is better off with just you.

Magda72 · 06/07/2022 00:29

Listen @Krcforest people will pile on here telling you what you should have/have not done but that's all irrelevant as it's in the past.
What you have to do now is look at the facts in front of you which are 1) he's a lazy dad & 2) he will most likely remain a lazy dad & 3) you are caring for his dd when he should be which also indicates that you will be doing the majority car for your baby.
You need to ask yourself do you really want to live like this? This man is not going to step up.
This board is full of smart, intelligent women who have ended up at their wits end due to their dh/dp's bad parenting - listen to them as they will nearly all say it does not get better. Most of these parenting issues don't reveal themselves until people live together & parenting can be seen up close & personal so please don't let all the "you should have known" comments get to you.
You don't need to be fair to his dd or family - you only need to be fair to yourself & your baby & honestly?
It does sound that the fairest thing you could do is leave.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 06/07/2022 05:51

What @Magda72 said. Honestly run. I have had a baby recently and I can tell you I wasn't facing half the problems you are and it's sometimes hell on earth.

I left my ex DH when I was pregnant, you can do it. Don't get sucked into the void unless you have to. Really even with a supportive DH, I would advise don't go into the void.

There support thread is good if this post gets to hot and you need to vent ❤️❤️

GrazingSheep · 06/07/2022 05:57

At least you know he’s not a great dad so forewarned is forearmed.

RenegadeMatron · 06/07/2022 06:00

You’ve posted to ask advice, so people are going to respond.

As many, many women do who embark on relationships with men with children, you’ve wilfully gone into this with your eyes firmly clamped shut.

They are now, as is inevitable, being forced open, and you’re having to deal with what’s in front of you.

Your partner is a sub-standard man. That means he’s a sub-standard father and a sun-standard partner.

This isn't going to get any better. Quite the opposite.

Imogensmumma · 06/07/2022 06:50

I’m a SM so I get that you often feel you don’t have a voice, but you seem like you are truly trying to build a healthy stable relationship for her.

I think first you need to decide if you are staying with ‘D’P or running for the hills ( I suggest running away from this dead beat dad for your DC benefit).

If you decide to stay try having a chat to DSD and find out what foods she does like to eat , that aren’t dessert. Even if they aren’t as healthy as you would normally eat start with proper food she will eat and then over time introduce more healthy foods she ‘might’ appreciate someone listening to her as it sounds like no one else does…. Poor kid

Wallywobbles · 06/07/2022 07:04

Id move to the states sharpish.

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