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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Really struggling with being a SM

60 replies

Krcforest · 05/07/2022 21:11

I've been with my partner for over a year and he's got a daughter who's just turned nine. We live together and are now 9 weeks pregnant with our own baby. My partner is quite wealthy and spoils his daughter a lot because be only has her every other weekend. This has been fine because I stood back and just let him do what he wants as she's his child. But since we moved into a house together she doesn't respect either of us or our house or anything in it. She says horrible things and he doesn't do anything about it. When she's with us all she eats is chocolate and crisps, I ear really healthy and make kid friendly meals for every meal for her and she just sits on her phone and refuses to eat it. Her dad ends up just letting her eat her desert instead and it's really getting to me because our child will not be allowed to act like that and I don't think its fair that she'll be allowed to eat whatever she wants. Also the rubbish food is causing her stomach problems and she's had poo accidents while with us. Anytime I try to speak to my partner about it he says that I'm attacking his parenting and he's just trying to stop her from having a meltdown. He says he doesn't believe in discipline and he just tells her that she's upsetting him but she honestly doesn't care and just laughs in his face.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 06/07/2022 07:33

This us just never going to work, how can it?
SD is playing up, they might even remove her from her school, the one place she is stable.& she doesn't even know about the baby.
Your child is going drink up every drop of her bad behaviour, &/or hate her.
(you have already identified, this is inevitable)
The fact your own dc will be affected badly by this dynamic, & your H cant see the problem. Means your relationship is doomed

Celeryfavour · 06/07/2022 07:35

I wouldn't have a baby with this man. You will split sooner or later and he will Disney dad your child too.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/07/2022 07:42

I’d be making arrangements to get on a plane ASAP!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/07/2022 07:42

And before your baby is born-go home, have baby as a US citizen.

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/07/2022 07:42

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 05/07/2022 21:18

Try and see it from her point of view. She barely knows you and now you are both having another baby together. She's going to feel pushed out and rebelling against this.
Also did you know he doesn't believe in discipline when you decided to have his baby?

A child displaying bad behaviour needs either to be reassured or disciplined whether they are in this situation or not.

Being a child of separated parents should not be used as a justification for long term bad behaviour, it is poor parenting all the way and it will not stop on its own, it will only stop until the parent takes action.

OP if she is living with you 24/7 I suggest you move out asap. You should not put yourself or your child through that he’ll just because he is the father IF he doesn’t want to do anything about the behaviour.

If she is with you only on certain days of the week, it is still possible to manage a relationship. Google Nachoing to give them the space they “need” while keeping out of the drama.

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/07/2022 07:48

Krcforest · 05/07/2022 22:46

Yes I really want the child. I have citizenship in America because of my parents and I've been tempted to move and bring up the baby with them because they are great to be around but then I think its unfair to his family and his step daughter.

Yikes! Do you realise that your one and only chance to do that is to move BEFORE the baby is born. Once here, if he wants contact with his child, it is nearly impossible to leave. I have friends who have spent years and literally tens of thousands of pounds in removal of jurisdiction battles and still unable to take the kids back to their countries even when the dad was abusive towards the children.

So put your thinking head on and make a decision for the best interests of your child on the basis of the information you have. You may only have a few months for that.

whatstheteamarie · 06/07/2022 08:00

You need to consider which part of America you are planning to move to if you're seriously thinking about moving whilst pregnant.

In case people haven't noticed, if a pregnancy becomes life threatening in the US, she may not be able to get medical support.

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/07/2022 08:47

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 05/07/2022 21:46

Her mum can't be bothered? Neither can dad?

Did you date your OH purely for wealth. My God it gets worse..

Some very short minded and judgemental people around… why would she be doing it for money when she owned a house herself and merging households may have given her a bigger house but much less security?

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/07/2022 08:50

whatstheteamarie · 06/07/2022 08:00

You need to consider which part of America you are planning to move to if you're seriously thinking about moving whilst pregnant.

In case people haven't noticed, if a pregnancy becomes life threatening in the US, she may not be able to get medical support.

There will always be a state nearby that allows it and nobody plans their pregnancy on the basis of availability of abortion rights, whether you are in a place that allows them or not.

SparklingPeach · 06/07/2022 08:54

In your shoes I would be very tempted to move to the US before the baby is born. This man is not someone I would want to co-parent with.

Taleas0ldastime · 06/07/2022 09:00

Its lovely that you're considering your step daughter in your decision to move but honestly I'd be putting your own child first now and moving. The situation with your ex and sd won't improve and will likely get worse as she gets older.

HotDogKetchup · 06/07/2022 09:00

Speaking from bitter experience with divorce looming and two small children, the signs are there run whilst you can. Making a life on your own will be so much easier than unpicking one you’ve made with your partner.

ThinkWise · 06/07/2022 13:29

I come from different lifestyle, so cant suggest like others. I appreciate you got good bonding with your SD.As someone advised here, try to sort her food by involving her as this can happen to any child of our own and we go in this route only. This is pattern due to family transition especially. He is working long hours , so he can not put his 100% on parenting, doesn't mean he is crap. No one is perfect in this world. May be she would be positive with you when she come to know the news about new baby!! I personally never prefer grandparents. Believe in yourself is what I could suggest. I really appreciate , your partner is not planning to make some other food for her, means he is valuing your efforts too. Her mom should sort this out ,not him honestly. He can't make her understand about healthy eating in just an alternate weekends.

scarletisjustred · 06/07/2022 13:39

I'd be booking that one way flight to the US while I still could. You could end up trapped in the UK once the baby is born. It's not as if your partner is going to contribute anything good to your daughter given his behaviour with his current child. He doesn't believe in discipline, a good diet or even being there.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2022 14:13

ThinkWise · 06/07/2022 13:29

I come from different lifestyle, so cant suggest like others. I appreciate you got good bonding with your SD.As someone advised here, try to sort her food by involving her as this can happen to any child of our own and we go in this route only. This is pattern due to family transition especially. He is working long hours , so he can not put his 100% on parenting, doesn't mean he is crap. No one is perfect in this world. May be she would be positive with you when she come to know the news about new baby!! I personally never prefer grandparents. Believe in yourself is what I could suggest. I really appreciate , your partner is not planning to make some other food for her, means he is valuing your efforts too. Her mom should sort this out ,not him honestly. He can't make her understand about healthy eating in just an alternate weekends.

Your expectations of fathers are extremely low. It’s not OP’s responsibility to try and paper over the cracks of his shoddy parenting and lack of basic care of his child.

ThinkWise · 06/07/2022 20:37

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2022 14:13

Your expectations of fathers are extremely low. It’s not OP’s responsibility to try and paper over the cracks of his shoddy parenting and lack of basic care of his child.

Show quote history

Yes, SD should not be the reason for the split. you never know what SD is going through. His parenting skills were not priority at first but OP can talk about them now and see they can work together. we can always change priorities like op got her changed after a surprise pregnancy. But anyway I don't want to be against OP's wish to go away. After all she got a baby now, so it's still can be win-win. When she doesn't give her own babies dad a chance, she can't expect him to be the new-born's dad. She is wealthy or high earning too. So not necessarily relied on dad's support. Let her to be independent and decide what she want for her and her baby and not to involve this many in any form.

stepmumspacepodcast · 06/07/2022 20:51

congratulations on your pregnancy!

What you’ve described is really tough. Have you raised it with your partner? His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. The Disney Dadding is helping NOBODY!

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2022 21:28

stepmumspacepodcast · 06/07/2022 20:51

congratulations on your pregnancy!

What you’ve described is really tough. Have you raised it with your partner? His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. The Disney Dadding is helping NOBODY!

“Anytime I try to speak to my partner about it he says that I'm attacking his parenting and he's just trying to stop her from having a meltdown. He says he doesn't believe in discipline and he just tells her that she's upsetting him but she honestly doesn't care and just laughs in his face.”

From the OP.

Fifi0102 · 06/07/2022 21:33

Leave for the US asap. The Hague convention means you won't be able to leave without his permission after the baby is born..

Holly60 · 06/07/2022 21:49

Krcforest · 05/07/2022 22:18

From what I knew about him before I got pregnant I thought he was a good dad. He sent her to the best school, she always looked presentable. She was polite and clever when I first met her but recently she has changed. I am close to ending my relationship with him because we don't spend a lot of time together and I don't agree with how he lives his life anymore. But I'm also scared that our child will be treated the same way as his daughter is when she's with him not me.

To be honest I don't think she has changed. I think your attitude and circumstances have changed.

Prior to getting pregnant you probably weren't all that interested/invested in how she is patented.

Now suddenly you are going to be bonded by blood to her forever and it matters.

I think you need to dig deep about what your worries and fears are, and see if you can address them yourself. Don't be looking to your DP to fix it because from what you have said, that path leads to eternal frustration.

Either you walk away, or you accept and adapt to what the reality is. It may not be the way you would have liked to have brought a child into the world, but it is your new reality.

Whatever you do, don't blame your SD. To be honest you are probably both victims of the same situation. Her more than you as she is a helpless child. You at least had/have a choice.

ThinkWise · 06/07/2022 22:31

"Either you walk away, or you accept and adapt to what the reality is. It may not be the way you would have liked to have brought a child into the world, but it is your new reality.
Whatever you do, don't blame your SD. To be honest you are probably both victims of the same situation. Her more than you as she is a helpless child. You at least had/have a choice."

This.

HotDogKetchup · 07/07/2022 06:22

ThinkWise · 06/07/2022 22:31

"Either you walk away, or you accept and adapt to what the reality is. It may not be the way you would have liked to have brought a child into the world, but it is your new reality.
Whatever you do, don't blame your SD. To be honest you are probably both victims of the same situation. Her more than you as she is a helpless child. You at least had/have a choice."

This.

This is true. But OP can’t burden herself with fixing it for her either.

HollowTalk · 07/07/2022 06:29

You seem to be painting two conflicting pictures here though. In one the child resents you and only wants to eat rubbish.
In the other you are the only one who does anything for the child, so why are they resenting you?

HotDogKetchup · 07/07/2022 06:41

HollowTalk · 07/07/2022 06:29

You seem to be painting two conflicting pictures here though. In one the child resents you and only wants to eat rubbish.
In the other you are the only one who does anything for the child, so why are they resenting you?

Emotions are more complex, it’s not unusual for a child not to understand the intricacies of their care.

00100001 · 07/07/2022 08:08

LightDrizzle · 05/07/2022 23:04

God! I’d be on the next plane to America. The longer you stay, the more of a shit show this will become and you will be trapped.

It’s a disaster and if he doesn’t believe in discipline and ignores his children and prefers them to shit themselves rather than model, provide and encourage good nutrition then this unborn baby is better off with just you.

Chocolate and crisps isn't causing the soiling issues

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