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New step mum advice
50

thatsnotmydog · 21/06/2022 19:35

So wondering what's normal, my husband of two years has a daughter of 13yo with his ex wife, my SC.
I had a baby 6 months ago my DH came home tonight saying his daughter wants him to go to her drama end of year show at the end of term. He said he only has one ticket and I say that's fine (as it's the last thing I'd want to do) because I have a baby and he'd might cry and spoil it. Would you expect my husband to sit by himself or sit with his ex wife? I'm not sure if her partner is coming or not. What is normal and what is not? I'd rather he didn't sit with his ex wife but can I really say that?

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Steelesauce · 21/06/2022 19:38

Why does it matter if he did? Hes there to support his child. Its very childish to not want him to sit with her and there are going to be lots of times he will have to throughout her life he will have to for his daughters sake.

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Aksbdt · 21/06/2022 19:39

I’d assume my DH would sit with his ex to be honest; why is it that you don’t want him to?
If I look at it from my DSDs point of view I know she’d like to look out and see them sitting together cheering her on rather than opposite sides of the room

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Daisychain89 · 21/06/2022 19:39

No, don’t tell him who to sit next to. He’s a grown man.

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Rtmhwales · 21/06/2022 19:40

I think it's up to your husband and their relationship surely. My friend and her XH get along pretty well and sit together at functions for their DS, often with their partners as well.

My DH on the other hand can't stand his XW and they get along for the children but wouldn't choose to sit near each other at a function b

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Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 21/06/2022 19:41

Why wouldn’t he sit with his ex? They are still parents and it’s better they get along.

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Raspberryjam22 · 21/06/2022 19:41

It would be odd if he doesn’t sit with your DSD’s Mum, assuming there was no DV .

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thatsnotmydog · 21/06/2022 19:44

Eek I'm not sure what he'll do or why I'm bothered, I suppose being covid for most of our relationship it's never come up! They get on for the sake of the children but that's about it. I suppose I would just feel odd say at home by myself and him sat chatting to his ex but obviously that's my problem

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thatsnotmydog · 21/06/2022 19:45

I suppose I'd like to know how other step mums do it and how they feel

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ElspethBoomingHowsen · 21/06/2022 19:47

I wouldn’t worry, unless you were the other woman

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ArnoldBee · 21/06/2022 19:48

My husband hugged my step daughters mother the other week! You put your feelings to one side and smile sweetly a lot.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 21/06/2022 19:54

Not sure what you mean by what other step mums do. Surely it’s up to the partners where and with whom they sit? DH and his ex loathe each other so he’s sat by himself and when the kids have wanted me at things and there have been enough tickets he and I have sat together and she’s sat with whomever she’s taken along. Life works be easier if they didn’t hate each other and my divorced parents got along well and sat together. Everyone’s different but I wouldn’t dictate to my grown up husband where he sat at any event and I trust him completely so I wouldn’t be threatened by him talking to his ex or anyone else.

What’s the worst that could happen? Do you trust him generally?

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BigYellowElephant · 21/06/2022 19:56

At my eldests dance shows her dad sits with me and our mums. Also my partner one year. Seems a bit weird and high school not to, assuming no DV

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Useranon1 · 21/06/2022 19:57

ElspethBoomingHowsen · 21/06/2022 19:47

I wouldn’t worry, unless you were the other woman

What would that have to do with it?!?

And WHY does MN always ask step mums if they're the other woman. It's so effing offensive and misogynistic

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ClocksGoingBackwards · 21/06/2022 19:58

I always used to sit with my ex at these things, even after I was married. It’s a couple of hours and it’s for the child. It would be much nicer for her to see her parents sitting together instead of having to search the crowd of parents twice. Don’t say anything, it won’t reflect well on you.

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thatsnotmydog · 21/06/2022 20:00

@ClocksGoingBackwards yes you are right, glad I came on here as it's grounding to know what's unreasonable. I won't have said anything anyway but good to know. I think I'm just being overly jealous

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aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2022 20:03

It depends on their relationship, there isn't a rule.

You'll probably get harsh responses but I just wanted to say it is ok to feel uncomfortable about this, it can be a hard thing to get used to no matter what people say.

FWIW this wouldn't bother me because I know my DPs feelings towards his ex and they are not good. Does your DP make you feel comfortable?

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SandyWedges · 21/06/2022 20:03

DH sits by his ex so that the kids know where to look for them both if they want to. Or they'll go to different performances. He doesn't find it easy having to sit by her but he does it for the kids. They don't talk.

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SandyWedges · 21/06/2022 20:05

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2022 20:03

It depends on their relationship, there isn't a rule.

You'll probably get harsh responses but I just wanted to say it is ok to feel uncomfortable about this, it can be a hard thing to get used to no matter what people say.

FWIW this wouldn't bother me because I know my DPs feelings towards his ex and they are not good. Does your DP make you feel comfortable?

Ah yes this is a very good point. It's ok for you to feel a bit odd about it. It can take some getting used to! I think part of it for me was that people might look at them when they are together with their kids and assume they are still together. That bugged me for a bit but I got over it eventually.

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girlmom21 · 21/06/2022 20:05

It'd be nice for his DD if her parents could sit together, I think.

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springbreak22 · 21/06/2022 20:29

You got together during covid and you now have a 6 month old?

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Coffeaddict · 21/06/2022 20:47

I have been with DP for 8 years so there have been lots of school plays and scout presentation evenings and overlapping family events etc.
My advise is if they are behaving amicably and can sit and make small talk this is the best situation for all involved including you. There have been times in those 8 years where DP and his ex are bickering at each each other and times were they are amicable, the later is far better. Holidays can be planned and booked with not animosity. Weekend swaps to allow for attendance at events in either property are easy when there on good terms.
This forum can provide countless examples of how difficult co parenting is when the parents don't get on and while you can mostly stay out of it as stepmum it will still impact your life.
So in summary I would be hoping they are able to sit together and be nice to each other for the sake of everyone involved.

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SandyWedges · 21/06/2022 20:55

springbreak22 · 21/06/2022 20:29

You got together during covid and you now have a 6 month old?

my husband of two years so married 2 years. But covid has been going on a while now anyway so I don't see why it's a shock to have a 6 month old.

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SandyWedges · 21/06/2022 20:56

SandyWedges · 21/06/2022 20:55

my husband of two years so married 2 years. But covid has been going on a while now anyway so I don't see why it's a shock to have a 6 month old.

So "covid most of our relationship" could mean they've been together 3 years in total or something like that.

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Bolsa · 21/06/2022 21:08

Some day this Will matter an awful lot less to you and you will be glad you supported his good relationship with his childs mother.

This is one of those situations where you can't change anything but your attitude towards it, so practice that now and it will become easier in time.

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MammaMiaMarie · 21/06/2022 21:16

It's not just his ex though is it, it's the mother of his child. I'd think it was weird if they didn't sit together, or chat to be honest.

And I don't think it's really something you should be concerned about. I'm sure they broke up for a reason. And he's with you now. Don't let your own insecurities get in the way of an amicable relationship between your SCs parents.

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