Summer Holidays - AIBU

[SandyWedges]

We have shared DC and DH has 2 other DC (my DSC). We all get along fine. Summer holidays are approaching and DH is grumbling as I haven't booked time off work while he has DSC. I just don't see the need to really, DC is at nursery and it feels a little odd to me if the 4 of us all go on a day trip and leave DC out. AIBU? I suppose I could take a couple of days off and go for a meal or shopping but I don't like the idea of all of us being miles away and leaving DC at nursery. Am I being ridiculous?

[JustPickABloodyName]

@sammysal

It comes across that you want to save your annual leave for 'your family' ie your husband and child. (Can't believe all of it goes on covering toddler sickness...?)
Why wouldn't you want a family day out with your step kids - members of your extended / blended family?

I feel like this is so naive 🤣 one of my DC is 1.5 and they've had SO many illnesses in that short time, including two hospital stays. Honestly I never expected it but I can totally see how all of someone's annual leave or at least most could he eaten up with shit like this and certainly can see why you don't want to waste it when we still have half a year left knowing your child has the potential to be ill every other week from now until next year.

[JustPickABloodyName]

@aSofaNearYou

I never take leave unless needed for illness or a specific event, and would have zero interest in taking it just to spend leisure time with my step kids. If I were to take leave for leisure time without my DC, it would be to have child free time. I don't feel like that really needs explaining, it explains itself.

Me too.

Family time all together can be at the weekend, unless you work that obviously but generally thats how it works for me.

If I'm taking time off work it's either to spend time for myself, because my DC are ill or because I want to spend time with them.

I'm sure it sounds hard but I don't have any desire to go off and spend time with just DSC certainly not when I have to use up valuable leave to do it.

[SandyWedges]

@JustPickABloodyName

I feel like this is so naive 🤣 one of my DC is 1.5 and they've had SO many illnesses in that short time, including two hospital stays. Honestly I never expected it but I can totally see how all of someone's annual leave or at least most could he eaten up with shit like this and certainly can see why you don't want to waste it when we still have half a year left knowing your child has the potential to be ill every other week from now until next year.

Ha yes! Especially these pandemic babies, they start nursery and then wham you end up with every other week they need a day or two off due to sickness.

[JustPickABloodyName]

90% of what my child brings home from nursery is plague. Then 5% homemade paintings and the remaining 5% is playdough stuck to the bottom of his shoes 🤣

[Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim]

@Feelingoktoday

But they are not someone else’s kids - they are her partners kids.

do you not all have a holiday together? Do you and your partner not want to spend time with all of the kids? I’m not suggesting you take the whole time off but not to take anytime seems odd.

So someone else's kids. They are not her kids.

[JubileeTrifle]

I had a friend who had a surprise baby when she had teenagers. During the summer she would take teenagers out and leave baby/nursery because what they wanted to do didn’t mix.

The major advantage of nursery aged children is not having to take days off in holidays, until your life is tied by these things.

If dad can organise something that works for them all, one day is fine (does nursery not do any day swops? Depends how full they are I think)

[funinthesun19]

It comes across that you want to save your annual leave for 'your family' ie your husband and child. (Can't believe all of it goes on covering toddler sickness...?)

Why wouldn't you want a family day out with your step kids - members of your extended / blended family?

OP isn’t their parent. She doesn’t have to organise her free time with them in mind. She may want days out during term time with her little one when it’s not busy and that would be very understandable to keep that time for her DC.

Or she may want free time when all kids are at school/nursery to meet up with friends, a family member, or even god forbid a day with her husband just them two.
Like a poster upthread said, if her DC are in nursery, then her time is childfree time. That means no children. At all.

[SandyWedges]

Why wouldn't you want a family day out with your step kids - members of your extended / blended family? I'd like to flip that to ask why would I? If my DC isn't there why would I want to spend a rare day off without children with children who aren't my own?

[OompaLoompaa]

Sounds fine to me, you could have a family day out on one of the weekends.

[Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim]

Couldn't disagree more. Why should the OP throw hundreds down the drain and waste precious AL that will be needed when her child is ill just to go out and do something uncessary. She will be there for her days off. Nothing else is required.

[aSofaNearYou]

What the hell are you reading? You've totally misconstrued pretty much everything there.

She's saying they'll have to take leave separately when her DC is in school because they'll need to to cover their various holidays. What are you on about with all this "sperm donor talk"?

And taking days off from nursery is not the only way the half siblings can bond. There are evenings and weekends you know. Regardless, OP has already said they could do something all together during a nursery day if he wants to come up with something. But that wasn't his original suggestion - he wanted her to take days of without her DC, not with.

[SandyWedges]

Your toddler can take a few days out of nursery to have a day with their siblings. yes they can, see my later post where it was updated that if DH organises something we can take them out for a day.
You seem to have forgotten the DSCs are your childs brothes/sisters. no I haven't.
Do you not want them to have any bond with their family - they are the childs family. well yes and they see them.

Pandemic babies - seriously every child for time in memoriam when going to nursery picks up all sorts this is nothing new. tell that to the nursery staff who told me it was worse than usual and they were coming down with more themselves.

you will not be taking time off or co ordinating holidays with him / maybe a few days accommodating your childs siblings. that is the reality we face. There is only so much annual leave in a year. We will have to cover the holidays between us. My mum may need me to use some with her. 1. There aren't enough days to cover all the holiday. 2. I can't ask work to coordinate with my DH's ex wife as to which days I can have off and which days he is having the DSC. Please take the ex-wife's lack of flexibility in this regard up with her.

Seriously you are excluding the childs father and their family and treating him like he was the sperm donor and it is you and your child - no one else. What a horrible thing to suggest. This is the reality of our "blended" family its tough, we're trying to make it work. DH has 3 kids to juggle so he is naturally going to have less time with DC

[Scalottia]

@Sirzy

Could you take a couple of days off and keep him off nursery for a few days so you can spend some of the time altogether?

What is this thing that people have that we must spend time with step kids "as a family"? The kids are there to see and spend quality time with their father. They don't come to visit the step parent. Yes it is nice to have the family time, but I certainly wouldn't pull my child out of nursery (that is already paid for) to facilitate this seemingly important family time.

[FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander]

I think the imposition of nuclear family norms and expectations on step families is ridiculous. A step family is a collection of people whose ‘families’ only partially overlap. Some of the children are there for child contact (legal term, pearl clutchers!) with their nonresident parent. That’s the primary purpose.

A secondary purpose is maintaining relationships with their paternal extended family. Spending weekends and evenings with half siblings does that. It’s actually desirable for the SC children to get a sustained period of contact with their father in which they get him to themselves all day during the week - the SM and half siblings are not there.

blended families don’t work if you think it’s just mixing everyone together into a homogenous mass.

[funinthesun19]

What is this thing that people have that we must spend time with step kids "as a family"?

And then after that it will be all about how stepchildren need time alone with their father. Well, they could have had that instead of the stepmum wasting one of her days off!

[Youseethethingis1]

With this thread it is as if there wasn't a sufficient level of sacrifice from the SM and that was the main problem.
Why have a family day out at the weekend when she could waste a days annual leave and not use childcare she's already paid for instead?

[harryclr]

@JustPickABloodyName i agree. I feel as though we have 2-3 years of being able to go places outside of the nightmare school holidays when everything is quieter and a 3rd of the price!!

But then there is that argument about SC 'missing out' bullshit and DP not having enough holiday then it falls on me to go places alone which isnt really possible with 2 very small children so then i dont see any of it happening. I know resentment will build up because of this. Yet again ANOTHER sacrifice SMs and their children have to make.

OP - you're not being unreasonable - just do what you got to do and let DP and his kids deal with it. The sad reality is SKs will get fun days out and quality time with their dad and your toddler wont get any.

[SandyWedges]

@funinthesun19

What is this thing that people have that we must spend time with step kids "as a family"?

And then after that it will be all about how stepchildren need time alone with their father. Well, they could have had that instead of the stepmum wasting one of her days off!

Yes its all a bit confusing frankly. Not sure I'm ever going to "win" and get it right.

[JubileeTrifle]

You won’t win which is the problem. Which is why you just need to do the sensible thing for yourself.

[funinthesun19]

Yes its all a bit confusing frankly. Not sure I'm ever going to "win" and get it right.

Unfortunately you’re right. So yes I agree, you just need to do the most sensible thing for yourself.

I find it confusing too. One minute stepchildren desperately need time alone with their father, and the next minute this all changes and they suddenly need a day out with stepmum and her kids (while dad is at home of course), or they need a day out with dad and stepmum (while stepmum’s DC of course won’t be there.)

[aSofaNearYou]

It always reminds me of those (usually comical) examples of a really high maintenance partner who says things like "I can't believe you wouldn't love me if I was a jellyfish" and gets genuinely upset.

It isn't that the thing that is wanted of the step parent, whatever it might be, is actually necessary or even makes any sense, some people just don't like the idea that they would say no to something, and take it as proof they don't care enough.

[funinthesun19]

It isn't that the thing that is wanted of the step parent, whatever it might be, is actually necessary or even makes any sense, some people just don't like the idea that they would say no to something, and take it as proof they don't care enough.

It feels like the stepmum should always be ready and willing to make compromises to detriment of herself and her DC.

[pitchforksandflamethrowers]

@harryclr

@JustPickABloodyName i agree. I feel as though we have 2-3 years of being able to go places outside of the nightmare school holidays when everything is quieter and a 3rd of the price!!

But then there is that argument about SC 'missing out' bullshit and DP not having enough holiday then it falls on me to go places alone which isnt really possible with 2 very small children so then i dont see any of it happening. I know resentment will build up because of this. Yet again ANOTHER sacrifice SMs and their children have to make.

OP - you're not being unreasonable - just do what you got to do and let DP and his kids deal with it. The sad reality is SKs will get fun days out and quality time with their dad and your toddler wont get any.

Let me be a word of warning. If the SC are used to the royal carpet at home, it won't stop at home and likely continue in a warm country.

Do what you need to do, to ensure equity is managed through the house !

[Magda72]

@JustPickABloodyName i agree. I feel as though we have 2-3 years of being able to go places outside of the nightmare school holidays when everything is quieter and a 3rd of the price!!

But then there is that argument about SC 'missing out' bullshit and DP not having enough holiday then it falls on me to go places alone which isnt really possible with 2 very small children so then i dont see any of it happening. I know resentment will build up because of this. Yet again ANOTHER sacrifice SMs and their children have to make.

You see this drives me insane.
I do not understand why nrdc HAVE to get a (full long) holiday with their nrp every year. They have two parents are surely their rp (generally speaking & if it can be afforded) wants to take them on holiday too meaning nrdc can potentially get two major holidays a year!
My exh & I worked together when the dc were smaller to ensure they got a decent length holiday with one of us every year. Sometimes the years didn't alternate depending on finances but we worked that out between us. I don't have any other dc but exh does so my kids got used to their dad sometimes being away with their half siblings but without them. When they didn't get a family holiday with them he would take them away for a few days by themselves. They got this because we explained divorced family dynamics & finances with them.
So much of all this crap could be avoided if the actual parents could communicate about this stuff & stop acting like divorced parenting is a competition over who gives more to the sdc.