Summer Holidays - AIBU

[SandyWedges]

We have shared DC and DH has 2 other DC (my DSC). We all get along fine. Summer holidays are approaching and DH is grumbling as I haven't booked time off work while he has DSC. I just don't see the need to really, DC is at nursery and it feels a little odd to me if the 4 of us all go on a day trip and leave DC out. AIBU? I suppose I could take a couple of days off and go for a meal or shopping but I don't like the idea of all of us being miles away and leaving DC at nursery. Am I being ridiculous?

The summer holidays is only really relevant if you have school age children. If you have younger children, you may as well plan your annual leave for the rest of the year when everything is cheaper and quieter.

I agree you DH wants you there to help him. Some sustained time with just dad during the day will be good for the SC.

*But they are not someone else’s kids - they are her partners kids.

do you not all have a holiday together? Do you and your partner not want to spend time with all of the kids? I’m not suggesting you take the whole time off but not to take anytime seems odd.*

Her partner is someone else. I didn't say a strangers kids. It's a blunt thing to say but I would find the suggestion frankly bizarre.

What do you mean about holidays? All holidaying together is a totally different scenario to taking time off JUST to spend it with DSC while her own DC are in childcare.

There's nothing odd about it in the slightest. The reverse is odd if anything.

Of course they don't always revolve around our shared DC but that is different to me making my holiday plans revolve around DSC

I can see why you don’t want to leave DC out but doesn’t DC deserve a few days off too? They’d get it if they had a job (annual leave) or at school, so surely one or two days off nursery in the summer holidays isn’t a ‘waste of money’ if you aren’t going on holiday either, it’s family time together?

But they are not someone else’s kids - they are her partners kids
Not everyone takes the view that children born to another woman before their relationship with their boyfriend/partner/husband are their children too. If they aren't OPs children, they are someone else's by default. Someone else's love, someone else's joy, someone else's responsibility to to take time off work to loo ln after.

I agree you DH wants you there to help him. Some sustained time with just dad during the day will be good for the SC. I agree with that. And he can do stuff like go shopping for uniform and pens and things, which I always used to like doing with my parents as a bonding thing, grab lunch out etc, take your time. Without having to worry about an impatient toddler and me when they might want to discuss things they find awkward to around me.

OP - if you have a nursery aged child you need to save your annual leave for illnesses/ nursery closures, it does t make sense to pay for a nursery place and not use it. Presumably you will be seeing your step children in the mornings and evenings and weekends while they are staying with you. Age differences are a big thing and I’m sure your older step children would prefer to do age appropriate activities with their dad sometimes without having to slow down for a toddler .

We both feel nursery is the best thing for my DC who was born in the pandemic. They only go 4 days out of 5, but the pattern for DSC this year unfortunately doesn't coincide with the "off" day. If it did that would be a different matter.

But they are not someone else’s kids - they are her partners kids My partner is someone else...

Its a silly request, borne out of his desire to have help/company with his children.

Point out it’s really healthy for him to have time just with them, that they can do some great bonding over age-appropriate activities without you tagging along or little DC changing the dynamic.

And of course your annual leave is precious and nursery is paid for anyway.

Stick to your guns, OP, and spend your leave as you wish.

I’m not saying nursery isn’t good for your DC, I’m saying having an extra day off for a family day once or twice in the summer is good too, even for a kid born the pandemic.

I would have sympathy for this argument if my DH bothered to organise a family day on the normal weekends we have the DSC. But he doesnt. So yes you're right, if he organises a day trip then we could think about taking DC out of nursery. 1 day.

If you put that to him then he has no cause/right to complain, balls in his court and you’ve compromised.

Yes thanks everyone for the advice x

I would have sympathy for this argument if my DH bothered to organise a family day on the normal weekends we have the DSC. But he doesnt. So yes you're right, if he organises a day trip then we could think about taking DC out of nursery. 1 day.

this is, of course, why he wants you to take annual leave. So you can do the wifework and think of the activities. And he can tell himself he’s being an amazing father.

I’d prioritise my AL and DC’s days off nursery for not the school holidays. You’ll have plenty of years of being tied to that. Although mostly mine goes on covering toddler illness. Frequent toddler illness.

Although mostly mine goes on covering toddler illness. Frequent toddler illness ha tell me about it. I make sure he does his share of toddler illness cover too but I do have the more flexible job and if it clashes with a contact day where he sees the DSC I take it off as I don't want toddler anywhere near mums house.

It's DHs responsibility to look after his DC however it might be nice to spend some time all together during the holidays including your joint DC. So if you took a day or two off I would take them out of nursery to do day trips together but I would also leave space for DSC to spend some time alone with their dad, which they will probably love, especially if he treats them and gives them undivided attention.

It’s less nice when you end up having to do all the work to make family days out a thing though.

Not really blended in anyway shape or form are you

Because this is the definition of being blended? 🙄

Blended is a crap term.

mostly I think it means you talking on all the responsibility and work but with no authority. Any boundaries you might have or expectations about having a say in your life are not being ‘blended’. And your failure. Obviously.

This is so weird! So are you not going to spend any time as a family this summer? This is anathema to me. Summer is the time to spend time bonding and having fun to get you through all the rubbish throughout the year.

When mine were teens, I literally felt it was only the shared history and tradition of quality family time that kept us glued together through those times. If we hadn't set up the expectation that we always made time to be together as a family, I feel like I might have lost my kids as teenagers.

Op I would start to consider a way you can get your blended family all together for some bonding team building etc. it doesn't HAVE to be the summer but this is an obvious choice. These kiddos are your child's half siblings after all. It's in your best interest to make sure they get on. Once they are adults the lure of their partner's family is strong - if it seems more 'fun' and cohesive than their own, they'll be gone. I've seen this first hand, thank god not with my own gorgeous adult children.

It comes across that you want to save your annual leave for 'your family' ie your husband and child. (Can't believe all of it goes on covering toddler sickness...?)
Why wouldn't you want a family day out with your step kids - members of your extended / blended family?

Yup. I'm not taking a day off to sit around being bored.

I never take leave unless needed for illness or a specific event, and would have zero interest in taking it just to spend leisure time with my step kids. If I were to take leave for leisure time without my DC, it would be to have child free time. I don't feel like that really needs explaining, it explains itself.