Financial obligations with stepchild

[blended2022]

I have lived with my partner and his lovely son for 12 months and we have been dating for 18 months in total. His son is 10 and is with us 50% of the time and when he’s round I split the cost of feeding him with my partner and will buy him socks etc. if he needs them, no problem at all. I pay £500 a month to my partner as rent which is essentially the total cost of the bills for the household. He owns the house.

We decided that we’d like to go on holiday in the summer and found a destination for a good price however we have come to blows with the difference in opinion on who should pay for his son’s part of the holiday. He expects me to pay half of his son’s cost of the holiday however I don’t feel I should be responsible for this. I had said I would pay for our trips when we’re away but felt it’s a lot to expect me to pay for half of his sons holiday when our relationship isn’t one where we have equal ownership to assets or anything else at the moment and it’s his son.

It’s causing issues and I don’t know what everyone else does in this situation?

The £500 is reasonable - very short term.

What is not OK is paying for his son's food and upkeep, he is picking and choosing how he treats you - when it comes to his interests, he is treating you as a wife and stepmother, when it comes to yours - you are a short term girlfriend.

I know you don't want to hear this, because you love him and are happy - but he's absolutely taking you for a ride.

Never paid for my stepsons and they lived with us too. You shouldn't be paying anything towards his keep.

The £500 is reasonable - very short term.

£500 is pretty steep for a shared bedroom where you can't shut the door behind you and lock the world out for a while. Cooking, cleaning, childminding etc on top would be outrageous. Is food extra?

I don't feel what your paying to contribute to the household is unreasonable. Although, he should put in extra for the food bill as he is feeding two people. However, expecting you to pay 50% of his son's holiday is unreasonable. I would tell him you will pay for yourself but not willing to pay half for his son to go too. Perhaps suggest he goes alone with his son and you have a separate one with just your partner. In all honesty, you've not been together long at all and it's all very new in terms of the relationship/friendship you are developing with his son so doing "family" holidays perhaps isn't even necessary.

Nope. Don’t pay a penny.
He’s pushing his luck and being a bit greedy at this point, when he knows he’s already in a good position.
Even if he was renting and wasn’t in the better position he is in right now, I’d still be saying his kid is his responsibility to pay for. But in his position where life is pretty easy right now and he must have more disposable income than before, he’s really taking the piss.

I'd move out and let him pay for his child, it's not my responsibility.

Paying just £500 a month for rent, inclusive of all bills is a bloody good deal, so I don't really think you can complain about that.
I'd say it depends where you live.
£500 could be reasonable if you were solo but not so much if there is more than person also contributing.

No. He is not your son, are you going to have to start contributing to his CM as well.
You have both made it clear to each that your finances are separate, you pay him ‘rent’ rather than share expenses. His son is his responsibility. I can’t believe he asked you to do this, then gets in a huff. This should give you the ick.

Just re read the op. You should absolutely not be paying for food/clothing for the child.

Buying food and clothes for your boyfriend's son is a kind thing to do. But, no, you don't have to buy him holidays. If you were a family with join finances and responsibilities, it would be different.

Not only would I not be paying for half his sons holiday, I'd be stopping everything else I was paying for his child too. Let his nobheaded-ness bite him in the arse.

Paying £500 for a room in a house share, where you have your own room, are an independent adult and free agent, yes.

Paying £500 to share a room with your "D" P, (while providing sex and childcare, housework, emotional support, etc etc)
not a good deal.

He's using you

Why do you pay all the bills, surely they should be 50/50, you shouldn't pay anything for his son at all, including food, why would you he's not your child.

He moved you in with him and his kid after only 6 months of dating? And now after 18 months you consider yourself the child’s stepmum. That sounds super rushed. Like he’s trying to build a family but in a rushed way. Would have been better to take it slow really.

Not sure about the holiday thing. To me if I was considering myself a stepmum and living as a family I think that’s a huge commitment, so I’d expect to be paying halves for family holidays. However, I’d also expect to be halves on everything else, as in the mortgage/ownership of house etc. Which is why realistically I wouldn’t move in with a man and his child after a short amount of time.

I don’t think you should be paying the going rate to live with a partner. Presumably you don’t have a contract or any of the legal rights you would have if you were renting through an agency? If you broke up tomorrow you would be out of a home with no notice. I also assume you’re only really renting half a room if you and your partner share and his son has the other plus I bet you contribute to the household by things like cooking, cleaning, shopping etc for your partner, things you wouldn’t be doing if you were a lodger.
This!

*Let's say you were an official tenant and paid £500 rent all in. Then you would get the sole use of bedroom 2 which is presumably his son's room. You would only be expected to clean your own room, do your own washing, and clean up after yourself in the kitchen. Fair? You would not be expected to childmind the landlord's 10 yr old, 2 yr old or whoever. You would certainly not be paying that child's holiday costs

To get an official tenant, your DP would have to clear it with his mortgage and insurance company. His insurance costs would definitely go up and he would likely also pay a higher rate of interest on his mortgage.

I don't think you are either a tenant or a partner. This sounds like FWB, with all the benefits going to your 'D'P.*
And this!

Op you're being taken for a massive mug. You're still in the honeymoon period 18 months in but I can guarantee you you'll wake up one day & see the reality of how he has set all this up for maximum benefit to him & his ds.

If you offered to pay half, fine, but no he should not expect you to. You should pay for yourself and he should pay for himself and his child.

Oh op please be careful here, he sounds like he is massively taking advantage here.
Am I right in thinking you had only been dating for six months when he moved you in an expected you to start contributing towards your child?
At the six month mark I'd only just be beginning to introduce a new partner to my child.
Financially, if you want to treat the child to something nice once in a while then that's fine but beyond that you have absolutely no obligations.
I'm surprised that your dp feels entitled to demand you pay half of his holiday.

Does he make you pay rent???? Omg

How are you doing, @blended2022?

You've had some straight talking in response to your posts (which I'm also in agreement with) and these will, hopefully, cause you to think again about the relationship you currently have with your partner, and how he values you.

Have you spoken to him again with him, hopefully, seeing reason? I do hope so because, otherwise, I believe you need to reconsider this relationship and move to a place of your own. 🌹

We pay for our own dc for major things. Makes it far simpler. For more modest amounts we take turns (ish he earns far more so he'll buy all the dc dinner including mine, I'll buy the drinks in the pub after, they are adults) helps we both have kids I suppose

I agree with everything that's been said. At most, you should be paying 50% of all bills only, and nothing towards mortgage. That would enable you to save for your own place in case the relationship breaks down.

For the holiday, the costs should be split at most 2/3 him, 1/3 you, not 50/50. If he disagrees, tell him to go on holiday on his own with his DS, then he'll be paying 100%

In all honesty it sounds like this man has got a very good thing in you, and he will not be receptive to any moves from you to change the status quo.

This.
And six
Months into a relationship
Is really fast to move I. Together especially when there is also his DC living there

Don’t think you should be paying anything towards his child - definitely not half of his holiday costs. Whether you choose to spend your money on his child is entirely up to you as long as it’s a choice.
But I disagree with pretty much every other poster about paying living costs. Without knowing the full household bills and expenses and what % you pay I don’t think we can say you pay the right amount / too much. Your OP made it sound like he owned the property outright but that’s not the case.
I just have a suspicion if you completely ignore the step child aspect and focus on the rent and the genders were reversed the responses would be different. Or they have been in other threads I have read.

No he pays 2/3 - you pay 1/3 for the holiday and trips. He’s taking the P

Paying for someone else's children to go on holiday?! Not a chance! Leave him now this will only get worse as time goes on, he will think that you are selfish for not paying for his children and resentment will build up on your part over time, even though he is the unreasonable one, this situation will never change unfortunately. You shouldn't be buying his kids socks or any food full stop, that's his responsibility