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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Financial obligations with stepchild

125 replies

blended2022 · 18/06/2022 12:40

I have lived with my partner and his lovely son for 12 months and we have been dating for 18 months in total. His son is 10 and is with us 50% of the time and when he’s round I split the cost of feeding him with my partner and will buy him socks etc. if he needs them, no problem at all. I pay £500 a month to my partner as rent which is essentially the total cost of the bills for the household. He owns the house.

We decided that we’d like to go on holiday in the summer and found a destination for a good price however we have come to blows with the difference in opinion on who should pay for his son’s part of the holiday. He expects me to pay half of his son’s cost of the holiday however I don’t feel I should be responsible for this. I had said I would pay for our trips when we’re away but felt it’s a lot to expect me to pay for half of his sons holiday when our relationship isn’t one where we have equal ownership to assets or anything else at the moment and it’s his son.

It’s causing issues and I don’t know what everyone else does in this situation?

OP posts:

3peassuit · 18/06/2022 13:44

You should not be paying for his son’s food and socks let alone his holiday. Your DP is one CF.

britneyisfree · 18/06/2022 13:45

Go on holiday by yourself or with someone else

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/06/2022 13:46

He should be buying the socks, the food and his son’s part of the holiday. It’s like he thinks you’re lucky to be living with him and his child and should therefore be paying for the privilege.

He’s taking the piss big time. And he’s made it easier for you to discuss finances again and come up with a fairer arrangement or you’ll move out.

christinarossetti39 · 18/06/2022 13:50

I agree with posters who said that it sounds like you moved in very quickly and that you're being financially exploited.

You should be paying a contribution towards utility bills and food and possibly some sort of 'rent' but that's it. The cost of the mortgage, council tax (unless your dp has declared that you also live there and has lost his single person discount in which case you should make a contribution...), repairs, upkeep and furniture should be his, as should all costs of his child.

Of course buy his child a treat or necessity if you happen to be the one near the shops when he needs new socks etc, but his parent or parents should be paying for his holidays, substantive clothing, activities etc etc etc.

I think it's really easy to get into these types of unequal situations when you want a relationship to work and things move quickly, but now is the time to step back and think longer term.

AhNowTed · 18/06/2022 13:50

You shouldn't be paying ANYTHING for his son. The child has 2 parents neither one of which is you.

Why are you paying ALL the bills.

You're being a mug OP, and he is royally taking advantage.

lunar1 · 18/06/2022 13:51

The only thing you are obligated to contribute to for your stepchild is university, as your income will be taken into account when student loans are applied for.

AhNowTed · 18/06/2022 13:53

And he is not your stepchild. Not after 18 months.

Is this term being used to make you feel obligated?

Wallywobbles · 18/06/2022 13:54

My kids now teens (X2)live with us 100% = 2 parts + me = 3 parts
His kids now teens (x2) live with us 50%= 1 part + him = 2 parts.

I pay 3/5 of all bills.

I pay 2/3 if school stuff he pays 1/3.

It's maths not brain science.

You are being screwed. The kid has a mum. You are not responsible for him financially.

lancsgirl85 · 18/06/2022 13:54

This is the absolute biggest piss take I've read on here in quite some time. NO you should absolutely not be paying half or even a quarter or even 1% of the costs for his son if you don't want to! If your partner wants to take his kid on holiday he either funds it 100% or he asks the kid's mum to contribute (who by the way would also be well within her rights to say no as she's not the one taking him).

What an utter cheeky fucker your partner is.

WindyKnickers · 18/06/2022 13:57

You should have had these discussions before you moved in with him. 6 months into a relationship is really early days to be making such a commitment when there is a child involved. My guess is that he has sized you up as a good bet to take on some of his share of the parenting responsibility, including the financial aspects and general drudgery (in to which category I would place buying socks). What do you get out of it?

catandcoffee · 18/06/2022 14:01

Based on the information you've written... I'd seriously be re thinking the relationship.
ps. don't get pregnant.

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/06/2022 14:02

Why in the name of god are you paying for his son’s food, never mind holiday??!!

I have step kids and love them but it is their parents job to fund them. I do pay for things for them, but I don’t think it’s my job to (and I am 13 years in) and I do not do the basics.

And why on earth are you paying his bills for him rather than putting money into your own place??

He has your number, that’s for sure.

Seriously seriously sort your head out.

EmilyBolton · 18/06/2022 14:02

Berthatydfil · 18/06/2022 13:05

You are being financially abused. You have no security as he could end the relationship tomorrow and you would have to leave the house. Of course I’m not saying you should have a claim on his house but the situation is unfair.
Don’t even think of ttc with him.

I bet you do a reasonable amount of childcare as well.

I would say you moved in too quickly and these issues should have been sorted well in advance.

You should be paying your costs such as food and household groceries, council tax, and the bills. But not the mortgage capital repayments, that’s money you could be saving. Also don’t pay towards furniture carpets redecorating or white goods for his house. Obviously some rent should be payable but not what you are paying now.

You should not be sharing the cost of his child , - do you share the costs of your friends children - of course not they have parents.

Obviously buying the odd treat or gift if you chose to is fine and it’s also fine not to either. But the expectation you should pay half of his child’s costs is wrong.

With this level of expectation so early in the relationship I would be considering my long term options.

I’m of the opinion if you move into a house someone else owns or that they rent and are sole tennants , that you get a tenancy agreement in your own right. Kid you not. Without it you could be on the streets tomorrow. With a tendency you would have a dedicated room you could stay in, and tenants rights, until you find somewhere to move to. You can then also set a fair rent and a fair share of bills. None of this nonsense of you paying bills and him the house…nice one for him..cost of living and bills you’re paying are going up with inflation but if he’s on a fixed term mortgage his costs aren’t increasing.
I just don’t understand why women these days do not understand that they have to protect themselves financially…not as the “cost” of their relationship or the man..but as EQUAL partners. If he has an issue with it then he is not the person to continue an equal partnership with.

Azerothi · 18/06/2022 14:03

Do you know why your boyfriend wanted to move you in so soon after you were dating? 6 months is way too short when he has a young child, didn't you question your boyfriend's motives?

It sounds very like he doesn't even see you as a long-term girlfriend.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/06/2022 14:07

Instead of defending why you think you shouldnt pay, ask him why he thinks you should.

I can guarantee that his reasons will boil down to "I dont want to pay for it all myself if I can get you to pony up"

OnaBegonia · 18/06/2022 14:09

🤣🤣🤣 he's a piss taker, tell him to fuck off

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 18/06/2022 14:11

So you're paying all the bills and half of the food for three people and now you're being expected to fund his child's holiday as well. Doesn't seem fair to me. What does he pay for?

Herejustforthisone · 18/06/2022 14:14

This guy is taking you for a ride.

£500 to pay all his bills, while he pays what could potentially be a lower mortgage cost is insane, when you have no claim on the house.

You moved in after six months.

You should absolutely not be paying anything for his child, and his expecting that is a big 🚩.

JacquelinePot · 18/06/2022 14:16

This guy is massively taking the piss and as others have said, you are in a very precarious position. Have a look at the relationships board and you'll see countless women who have been cohabiting for years or even decades, and only realise when the relationship breaks down, that they are utterly screwed because he paid the mortgage and she paid for everything else.

If this relationship doesn't work out however many years down the line, you've been paying rent and subsidising his child, and you will be left with nothing. You need to address the financial disparity now.

mrsm43s · 18/06/2022 14:17

Paying just £500 a month for rent, inclusive of all bills is a bloody good deal, so I don't really think you can complain about that.

I'd expect your DP to pay for his son's share of food and holidays.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 18/06/2022 14:19

😳 he’s an absolute chancer isn’t he!!!

Hapoydayz · 18/06/2022 14:20

I wonder if he has 50/50 with his child purely to avoid paying maintenance as he sounds very tight fisted. Do you do a lot of caring for the child too?

whatthehelldowecare · 18/06/2022 14:22

My DH pays maintenance out of his 'own' money for DSD, but when she's with us 3 days a week, all costs for her just come out the usual family pot and we just split the costs of holidays equally. I usually end up paying for her clothes etc., because it tends to be me buying them and it never really occurs to me then ask for it from him

....BUUUT we jointly own a house, are married and been together over 6 years. I wouldn't have been paying for her holiday after 18 months although I was never precious about money for food etc

Iflyaway · 18/06/2022 14:22

You'd have to pay me to go on holiday with someone else's 10yr old!
Why don't you go on holiday with a friend instead, you can each pay for yourselves, laze around all day and party all night (if you want to).
Your DP can go on holiday with his DS, pay for them both, entertain his child, have lights out at a decent hour ready for his kid to sleep, make sure there's always child-friendly food, sunscreen applied, child is safe in the pool etc. Because as a parent that is what he should be doing, you however are not a parent, so shouldn't bear any of that responsibility (especially the cost!)

My thoughts exactly.

Wizzbangfizz · 18/06/2022 14:28

Your partner is a cheeky fucker of the highest order! You have no obligation to fund any part of his sons life.

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