Financial obligations with stepchild

[blended2022]

I have lived with my partner and his lovely son for 12 months and we have been dating for 18 months in total. His son is 10 and is with us 50% of the time and when he’s round I split the cost of feeding him with my partner and will buy him socks etc. if he needs them, no problem at all. I pay £500 a month to my partner as rent which is essentially the total cost of the bills for the household. He owns the house.

We decided that we’d like to go on holiday in the summer and found a destination for a good price however we have come to blows with the difference in opinion on who should pay for his son’s part of the holiday. He expects me to pay half of his son’s cost of the holiday however I don’t feel I should be responsible for this. I had said I would pay for our trips when we’re away but felt it’s a lot to expect me to pay for half of his sons holiday when our relationship isn’t one where we have equal ownership to assets or anything else at the moment and it’s his son.

It’s causing issues and I don’t know what everyone else does in this situation?

You have no financial obligations towards his child, none whatsoever. Offering to pay is one thing, being expected to pay is quite another and I would seriously reconsider being in a relationship where I am seen as a "cash cow".

I feel that £500 rent I pay to him is fair as this is the going rate for a room in the area we live. It is a 2 bedroom house.

He pays the mortgage payments and I told him I’d prefer for those payments to stay with him and to keep that separate until a discussion is made in the future for me to contribute towards that and build up some equity from that point forward.

We do work well as a team and I’m lucky that his son is such a star. Thank you for your comments, I feel I should discuss parity and expectations here as there are discussions to be had.

Totally agree with this.

I’m going away soon with my son and my DP of 8 years and I’d never expect him to pay towards my sons share.

Obviously if you had shared finances/assets, the holiday cost for DSS would just come from your joint finances and wouldn't be up for discussion (especially as in everything else you seem to view him as a 'child of the family' rather than your partner's son).

I think your generosity in this regard has led to you being taken advantage of somewhat. Until you have shared family finances, he should be paying for his child, though of course it's ok for you to choose to contribute and buy presents now and again. But that's what it is - a choice, not an obligation.

How much of the childcare do you do, @blended2022 ?

Rent fair enough, as you say you would be paying that elsewhere, but are you saving so you won't be stranded if the relationship ends? Also when/if you do contribute to mortgage, please get legal advice first to make sure you are covered.

Onto the holiday, it's his child so he is 100% responsible for the holiday costs.
I would get him to explain why he thinks that is your responsibility.

I bet when you stand up for yourself and rightly say you shouldn’t have to pay for his kid, he’ll accuse you of not loving/not giving a shit about his son in an attempt to manipulate you into doing as he wants…just you wait.

Your partner’s ds is not your responsibility. You shouldn’t be paying for half of his food, his socks, trips out or his holiday. These seem like red flags and I am left wondering why your partner split from his ex. I wonder, did he want 50/50 so he didn’t have to pay maintenance? In any case, it sounds like he’s met his next cash cow in any case. Please stop being a mug and feathering this man’s nest.

It's up to you. £500 might be the going rate for a room. But you do not have a room. You have half a room. More equitable to pay £250 and a third of bills. You have no financial obligation to your boyfriends child.

£500 fair enough, as you say that's the going rate.

But you should not be paying a single penny towards raising his child.

I'm sure the child is lovely but his expenses are 100% not your concern.

OP you should be saving any spare cash as you have zero security here.

Don't be a mug.

Nah hes wrong for something like a holiday its his responsibility to pay for his son

I don’t think you should be paying the going rate to live with a partner. Presumably you don’t have a contract or any of the legal rights you would have if you were renting through an agency? If you broke up tomorrow you would be out of a home with no notice. I also assume you’re only really renting half a room if you and your partner share and his son has the other plus I bet you contribute to the household by things like cooking, cleaning, shopping etc for your partner, things you wouldn’t be doing if you were a lodger.

You definitely shouldn’t be paying any costs towards your stepson, whether those are expensive costs such as holidays or cheaper costs such as half of his food or buying him socks etc. It would be different if you and your partner were married or owned the house together and were pooling your finances as ‘family money’ but if you have separate finance he is benefitting hugely from having you live with him and pay all of his bills whilst he only pays into the mortgage and also having you pay half of his costs towards his son. I think you are being taken for a mug, I bet you also pick up at least half of the extra work incurred by having his son around such as the extra cooking/ washing/ cleaning etc? You’re basically paying him to make his life easier; if you weren’t in the house he’d still have to pay his bills. It doesn’t make sense for you to be paying exactly what you could earn elsewhere, saving no money, and him to be saving half his costs, the compromise would be for you to pay somewhere in the middle between and then you would still both be saving money compared to living separately.

You are not a bank. Don't be buying his child's clothes! Don't pay for his child's holiday? What is wrong with him he should be embarrassed. He's totally using you.

Hes using you.
Get a room in someone's house for £500 all bills included.
Stop paying for his kid other than the odd ice cream etc.
I bet you do all the housework too.
Your partner was onto a good thing - you being a doormat - but has ruined it for himself by being greedy and showing you his true colours about the holiday - he's done you a favour, now do yourself one and move out.

I didn't even pay for DSC's food until the relationship between me and DH was more solid and we combined some of out finances. You have to protect yourself here.

You pay your dp £500 towards for your living costs , if he puts that to use for his son that is up to him.
However for the cost of his son's holiday should be him that's paying , or 50/50 his mother.
As an aside , you buying a pair of socks now and again is not relevant , if it grieves you , don't buy them.

I dont think you should pay no. But oddly my partner has always halved my sons holiday with me since we first got together. I think he was too good to us to be honest. But I would never have asked him to thats for sure.

What on earth is his rationale for you paying for son?

NO-ONE would think that is in any way reasonable or fair.

And you shouldn't be even considering it OP.

Sounds like he's got you well trained already.

He is a cheeky fucker isn't he.

Let's say you were an official tenant and paid £500 rent all in. Then you would get the sole use of bedroom 2 which is presumably his son's room. You would only be expected to clean your own room, do your own washing, and clean up after yourself in the kitchen. Fair? You would not be expected to childmind the landlord's 10 yr old, 2 yr old or whoever. You would certainly not be paying that child's holiday costs

To get an official tenant, your DP would have to clear it with his mortgage and insurance company. His insurance costs would definitely go up and he would likely also pay a higher rate of interest on his mortgage.

I don't think you are either a tenant or a partner. This sounds like FWB, with all the benefits going to your 'D'P.

If he wants to share his liabilities, he should be just as willing to share his assets.
But he won't.

I think that you should see this as a big, waving red flag.

He’s looking for someone else to share the financial burden on his child.

Many men, after divorce, are looking for a live-in nanny/housekeeper with benefits who also contributes financially and, indeed, reduces the financial burden of their parenthood.

It’s not a desirable role.

He’s a tight arse CF. How dare he get annoyed at you for not paying for his bloody child. I would be furious at his entitlement.

Absolutely not. I have 2 SC who I love dearly have been in there life for 12 years. I buy them things now and then meals out, presents. But my DP does not expect me to do that. Why is your SC mum not going halfs with your DP ? But your expected to go half's on a holiday for their son 🥴 crazy.