Financial obligations with stepchild

[blended2022]

I have lived with my partner and his lovely son for 12 months and we have been dating for 18 months in total. His son is 10 and is with us 50% of the time and when he’s round I split the cost of feeding him with my partner and will buy him socks etc. if he needs them, no problem at all. I pay £500 a month to my partner as rent which is essentially the total cost of the bills for the household. He owns the house.

We decided that we’d like to go on holiday in the summer and found a destination for a good price however we have come to blows with the difference in opinion on who should pay for his son’s part of the holiday. He expects me to pay half of his son’s cost of the holiday however I don’t feel I should be responsible for this. I had said I would pay for our trips when we’re away but felt it’s a lot to expect me to pay for half of his sons holiday when our relationship isn’t one where we have equal ownership to assets or anything else at the moment and it’s his son.

It’s causing issues and I don’t know what everyone else does in this situation?

Well to be fair I don't see why the actual mother should pay either, for a holiday she's not going on! Perhaps she is arranging a holiday of her own to take her child away at a different time, anyway?

But no way you should be paying OP! It is the responsibility of his father. You're kind and generous enough as it is.

You are right. I think you're being financially abused. You shouldn't be paying for anything towards the lad, apart from the odd treat/day out.

Jesús. You've been together less than 2 years and he's foisting his sons costs on you? Run.

I also wouldn't be paying £500 a month. I'd pay half the bills and no rent. You won't end up with part of the property if you break up....

He's using you

Wow. First of all, I’m amazed this thread didn’t break the internet, as it’s the first time I’ve seen a unanimous response on this board ever! 😮

I totally agree with every poster saying there is something wrong here and your DP’s expectations about the holiday costs are ridiculous. Plus you should not being paying half the food and extras for his son.

Are you doing any childcare, school runs etc? Does your DP do more than half the housework?

Lots to think about and resolve before getting to comfortable in this relationship, OP.

Your partner is a cheeky fucker.

You are a mug

You're being had.

Most of the North where it can be as low as £400 for the entire house

😂 your other half is funny! Seriously? I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have been on holiday with both sets of kids. Not once have either of us paid the expenses for children who aren't ours.

Yes but that means you're paying his mortgage. He gets the house at the end of it that YOURE paying for. Disgusting. I couldn't ask someone I loved to essentially pay for my house.

And it's the going rate for a room... you DONT get a room. It's his room. You're sleeping in his bed.

So he's treating you as if he is a landlord that lives with you in the property you are renting. So I hope you are treating the arrangement exactly the same... So if the washing machine/shower/cooker breaks down, you don't pay a penny towards it. If the roof starts to leak/the carpet needs replacing, he pays for it to be sorted. He's treating you like a tenant, so treat him as a landlord.

This means his house needs to be up to standard on everything, by the way. I doubt he will like this pointing out, though.

You should also only be paying half towards the bills.

He is definitely being really unreasonable to EXPECT you to pay for his son to go on holiday after a year and a half. If you wanted to, sure... but you don't, and he's trying to bully you into it.

Ask yourself why he feels he's got the right to demand you pay for his son?

You what? You shouldn't be paying anything for his child.
What a flaming nerve.

Your boyfriend is making a complete fool of you, and you’re allowing it. You’re a new girlfriend, this relationship has already moved too fast and he’s draining your money. Even if you were an actual stepparent you’d have no business funding other people’s kid for them.

Don’t keep paying his mortgage off for him, don’t parent his kid, don’t fund his kid. Ridiculous situation to put yourself in.

And it's the going rate for a room... you DONT get a room. It's his room. You're sleeping in his bed.

Exactly.

He's asking for way too much from you.

Oh and if he does want you to pay towards his kid and his mortgage then there's a very legit way of making that happen. He'd have to marry you? No ring, no cash cow.

Ha ha! Not a bloody chance. You’re not married. The child isn’t your stepson. Can’t believe you’ve given him a bean tbh. Cheeky sod he is. You sound like a mug. Move out and find a different boyfriend that isn’t looking for a rent paying babysitter.

He is your partner (and a quite new one at that) not your DH.
So yes he should be paying for his dc.

Re people talking about the rent….
£500 is about half of what we spend for food plus mortgage etc…. We also have 2 older teens in the house.
So yes that doesn’t feel crazy to me.

Hold on…. The £500 is just to rent the room, no other expenses like electricty, council tax etc…?

He is taking the mic.

And yes you really do need a discussion on how much you would contribute to the running of the house, incl paying for his dc.
I suspect that he thinks it’s ok for you to pay for 1/2 of the hols as you have already agreed to pay for half of the food, buy him clothes (even if it’s socks) etc…

Have you looked at how much you are paying for his child in total btw?

Im trying to see his POV. But just to be clear i whole heartedly disagree with him. But i guess it helps to know where he's coming from so you can argue your case.

Is it a case that you've seen a package holiday for a 1 bed villa (son will be sleeping on a futon) you've entered all the details. Total cost of the holiday is £2000 and he thinks you should just split the cost of the holiday 50/50? Because whether his son was or wasn't there the holiday would cost the same amount?

If that's the case, I'd be inclined to look at the specific breakdown and talk about that being allocated differently.

I can see the point about just sharing the cost of a villa if you were going to be renting the same villa anyway, but flights for example should be different.

Whichever you look at it though, this would be a red flag for me. He sounds grabby! And a decent person would be saying - let's look at how we split the cost because obviously I will be paying for my son.

He moved in a woman after 6 months. He is an irresponsible parent who isn’t prioritizing his son. This alone should make you extremely wary of dating this man or planning any sort of future with him. Would you really want a man like that being the father of your child?

for the question you actually asked. Slowly over time, a blended family can become more financially blended. That should happen organically as you start making more life decisions together that have joint impacts, like he changes his hours to support your career. You don’t move in and start paying half of his child’s expenses.

This split bills 75:25 him and you and you should not have moved in. You are a lodger paying maximum rent and for your landlord child and then on top you are his nanny and cook and sex for free.

What does 'bills' include though? Gas, Council tax, water etc but also food? Or is that on top?
I hope it doesn't include anything towards HIS mortgage?

You should probably be paying half of bills, half the food, nothing towards the mortgage. If you say your payment covers all his bills, well that's unfair, he's taking advantage. Like pps say, you should be saving to protect yourself. And you shouldn't be paying for holidays and clothes for his child, that's on him. Although I wouldn't be bothered about separating out the kid's food costs, how much can a ten year old eat who is only there half the time?

But blimey he is on to a good thing with you OP.

He moved in a woman after 6 months. He is an irresponsible parent who isn’t prioritizing his son.

Oooh, I don't know. Perhaps his child was living on nuggets and sliced bread before. Now he gets proper food, clean ironed clothes and sensible bedtimes

Which, of course the Dad should have been doing. But probably wasn't!

You shouldn't pay anything for his son. He shouldn't have ask you, the cheek of him,

As you are not building wealth and he is, you should not be paying more than rent for a shared bedroom and I think 40% of the food and bills (he pays his own share and his child's - it's fair that the child's costs are half of an adult). If you are doing a lot of childcare you should pay less. It's absurd that he thinks you should contribute financially towards his child's holiday. I think he is taking advantage of you.

@blended2022

If you were not living there, he would have to pay his bills, food, mortgage and child related money solely himself.

So you have moved in and he is now £500 better off. I also bet, you are helping in regards to childcare, chores and wife work.

Paying for HIS sons holiday costs are his and his alone.

You need to stand up for yourself and tell him no.