Why is being a step mum harder than stepdad?

[thatsnotmydog]

So statistically and anecdotally being a step mum is so much harder than being a step dad, why do you think that is?

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander Sorry my post before last wasn’t clear, I was agreeing with you, but pointing out to @BiscoffSundae you can’t compare fathers to step mothers because step mothers have no control whereas fathers do, your second paragraph in the post summarised it well...

*As this response shows… poor NR fathers.

Life has just happened to them and they made no decisions that led them to this situation*

because relationship breakdown is always the man’s fault?

and women are happy to share custody and barely see their kids?

I'd agree with many here that the expectations are different for women - and that there's a difficult tension between being expected to love a stepchild like they're your own and make endless sacrifices because that's what good mums do, and on the other hand getting 'you're not their mum, don't overstep' any time someone thinks you're over involved. We have DSD most of the time which means I've formed a strong relationship with her - I can only imagine how much harder it would have been to find a balance berween those two if she was only here EOW.

In my experience it is because often (not always!) the child reside with the Mum and the SD is involved more in the upbringing. SM aren't so much.

In my situation the SD stepped into a vacant Dad role. Has brought them up as his own. It is a role that should never have been available but their Dad is rubbish. No support at all in any way.

Whereas my step Daughter has a mum, and a dad. There isn't a space for me to step into. I don't get a say in her upbringing, what school she goes to etc etc. Very hard

Well...unless a stepdad, or all stepdads tell you it's easier, how can you really say being a stepmum IS easier.

Easier, is subjective as well. Many stepdads take on the financial burden of stepkids and the mum stays home with no job....while another man supports her kids.

I find stepmums seem to be more jealous, complain more, see themselves as better than the mum and are more controlling over a lot, which just causes them stress.

There is so much insecurity with second wife syndrome and the regret of not experiencing the 'firsts' that many (not all) stepmums have. There seems to be this fear that he'll go back to her, or the Ex wants him back. Women need to be wiser in choosing a man who isn't a lazy so and so looking for a replacement mum for his kids.

Women assume caregiving responsibilities, even without the societal expectations and then it backfires, when they have enough of being taken advantage of. We can't ignore the fact some single dads just want a woman to help them out, or parent their kids. Women fall for this...I'm not sure if it's out of a bit of desperation.. then they have so much regret, that the Ex is ever present.

I was asked specifically to comment on the claim that it’s so much harder for men because they pay for everything and have to live with the kids most of the time. I’d
already said that, if you look at threads on here, most SMs work (and often are paying for the SC). It wasn’t me who assumed that mothers just don’t earn money. I work. All my friends do.

So, given the ‘being the breadwinner and paying for other people’s kids is so hard’ argument, I was saying that’s unlikely to be harder. Because patriarchy.

Because its harder to be a woman than a man , full stop.

Oh yes. It’s all because SMs are bitter, jealous women who should have known better. And who are controlling if they want any say in anything in their lives.

I am surprised that so many women are still willing to take on this role.
I definitely wouldn't, neither would l choose to bring another man in to step parent mine, all it does is create more problems.

Less expectations of men when it comes to parenting generally. With the added evil stepmother trope.

I always thought (and was told by many many female friends constantly) what an amazing step dad my DH is to my DDs. When younger he would take time off work If they were ill, take them To appointments, do all the fun stuff, Emotional support and has financially contributed x100 of their actual dad.

But, 4 years into having our own DC, I see that actually while he is so much better than my exdh, I’m still the number one parent he defers to for everything- absolutely incapable of any mental load, I know for a fact if we split up his next partner would be expected to take on that role - poor gal!

TLDR: Even the best men defer as much responsibility to women as they possibly can...

@WhatsErFace2020 but what your DH did for your DDs seems to be the things stepmums are told not to do and that it is the parents responsibility to do

@SandyY2K

I find stepmums seem to be more jealous, complain more, see themselves as better than the mum and are more controlling over a lot, which just causes them stress.

But you only see a tiny subset of stepmums, don't you? You don't see the ones who are coping fine. And you've never walked a mile in any of their shoes. I wonder if your clients realize just how much you despise them.

Because women are judged more harshly for just about everything but especially motherhood.

Mum goes back to work when her baby is 6 months old - judged harshly, told she'll miss out on lots of stuff, asked why she had children if she doesn't want to raise them etc
Dad goes back to work after 6 days - not worthy of comment.

Mum stays at home to look after child, takes them to the park or to toddler group - she's "doing nothing" relying on someone else, putting herself in a vulnerable position, not contributing to society.
Dad stays at home to look after child, takes them to the park or to toddler group - he's virtually superman 🙄

This

And that's an obvious thing to say no to if you don't happen to be the kind of person that doesn't mind all that. Becoming partner to an EOW is much vaguer and it's much easier to get involved without fully realising what the consequences are going to be.

@aSofaNearYou but do you not see how the dad is with his kids before becoming a fully committed stepmum, or do many of these men then change as soon as there is a new ‘mum’ to do parenting?

Its this sort of bollocks that makes being a step mum hard not the actual step parenting.

Yes many of them do change, and many of the expectations evolve/complications arise unexpectedly over time. If you knew from the offset as a SD you be the provider you would know to opt in or out accordingly. It's much more up front and easy to predict.

I find stepmums seem to be more jealous, complain more, see themselves as better than the mum and are more controlling over a lot, which just causes them stress.

Stepmums have a lot more stupid petty things to contend with which probably end up making them controlling and dislike the mum. Do you think stepdads get told by their wife’s ex that their children can’t have an ice cream without the step kids being there? I highly fucking doubt it.

Stepdads also don’t get childcare and school run requests from the ex. I saw a thread on here not so long ago where the stepmum was ill and the ex wanted her help.
can you imagine if the dad requested help from the stepdad in any circumstance? I imagine the mum would have something to say about that.

Pressed too soon.
The stepdad only has his own household to think about and run. Whereas the stepmum is expected to consider and think about the mum’s household too.

This. Because it's harder being a woman then it is being a man.

This is exactly why I hate being a step mum. I don't hate the child but I don't like the situation at all

I don't this is just a step-mum/step-dad issue.

Have you not noticed that dads are praised for doing the bare minimum whereas mums are judged much more harshly? A friend of mine has a baby and people always comment on how hands on he is and how often he changes the nappies etc. and how great he is for doing it, whereas for women it is just expected that they will do these things. Step-mums are held to a much higher standard than step-dads and are judged much more harshly if they don't in the same way.