Why is being a step mum harder than stepdad?

[thatsnotmydog]

So statistically and anecdotally being a step mum is so much harder than being a step dad, why do you think that is?

[Casper10]

I think a lot of it comes down to boundaries.

A step Dad knows he will never be seen as a Dad in the same way as the bio Dad (assuming bio Dad is on the scene). The step Dad understands his role is to support but ultimately doesn't make the decisions or do the majority of disciplining. It's more of a big brother role.

Having said all that a bio Father will accept the stepdad spending more time with his kids than he does although he's not really happy about it.

Being a non resident parent, which is the case for majority of separated Dad's is a pretty thankless task from my experience. You're either a Disney Dad or if you are disciplining them then they don't want to come etc. Bringing a partner into a situation where you have a toxic ex wife is going to be bloody difficult and thankless for that partner.

The number of times you hear the 'you have a DP issue' when in truth the DP is in a nigh on impossible position and simply can't set the boundaries that are needed. So is effectively left to choose between the kids or new partner.

You can either be honest and accept the issue is with Mother's not liking another woman in their kids lives or you can take the Mn approach of blaming it all on misogynistic views etc.

[Dogroses]

A lot of people in my life refer to my DSCs as my children - their friends parents , my colleagues etc. There are lots of casual comments that assume I'm very involved in their lives - 'well you know all about it!''I suppose x is going through that too.' Sometimes they'll day'well you have four children....' When I explain that I'm not involved in x, or haven't noticed Y, or that actuality I only have two children, it's like admitting to a terrible crime!

My DSC also have a stepdad who is great - he does the school run, communicates with us about their schedules, has fun with them etc. But I find it really hard to believe that people expect anywhere near as much participation or parenting as they do from me.

Years ago I stopped doing the school runs or pick up and drop off at play days etc because I was really being taken advantage of by my DP and there was an expectation that a lot of my time and energy should go into helping him with daily parenting. But everybody thinks their stepdad is just amazing for doing school runs etc. Even I find myself saying they're so lucky isn't he great. I don't think I'd be saying that about a woman. If I had been treated like a hero maybe I would have carried on 😂

[Starseeking]

Because society dictates that stepmums are supposed to treat the DSC as if they were their own, but woe betide you as a stepmum if you dare to give out any discipline as the DSC are not your children.

Because society dictates that if a stepdad just glances in a DSC direction every now and then, he's done his bit in terms of contribution, and the DM and her DC should be suitably grateful.

All rooted in patriarchy and misogyny.

[HumptyDumpty2022]

@aSofaNearYou

In reality a lot of stepdads are actually the father in all but name whereas ( in general) mothers aren't absent parents so the step mother role is more redundant (there will always be exceptions).

I agree it is often more redundant - and a lot of issues arise from the people involved (usually the partner/ex + randomers on this forum) trying to force it into a role that doesn't exist. So partner's to an EOW dad are constantly facing pressure to act like the kid's very involved mother, and it just isn't necessary and doesn't work.

One of the best posts I’ve seen in a long time!

[aSofaNearYou]

In reality a lot of stepdads are actually the father in all but name whereas ( in general) mothers aren't absent parents so the step mother role is more redundant (there will always be exceptions).

I agree it is often more redundant - and a lot of issues arise from the people involved (usually the partner/ex + randomers on this forum) trying to force it into a role that doesn't exist. So partner's to an EOW dad are constantly facing pressure to act like the kid's very involved mother, and it just isn't necessary and doesn't work.

[SpaceshiptoMars]

@Willyoujustbequiet

I think a huge factor is that most step dads live with the children and therefore take on far more responsibility, including financially, than step mothers on EOW do.

In reality a lot of stepdads are actually the father in all but name whereas ( in general) mothers aren't absent parents so the step mother role is more redundant (there will always be exceptions).

Not sure about generally speaking, but on this particular board, the SMs are taking on most of the financial load, and in some cases supporting both the first family and their own. Most of the DHs assets and income have been allocated to the first family, and the SM is providing the home large enough for the man to be able to sustain contact and even 50/50.

[Willyoujustbequiet]

I think a huge factor is that most step dads live with the children and therefore take on far more responsibility, including financially, than step mothers on EOW do.

In reality a lot of stepdads are actually the father in all but name whereas ( in general) mothers aren't absent parents so the step mother role is more redundant (there will always be exceptions).

[User39498]

@flowergirl2020

Although I agree to an extent that as Mums generally have the children more, as a consequence they see more of step dad. In our case this isn't true. See each more of less 50/50. The 'stepdad's' (there has been more than one) have an easier time of it in our situation because we don't make the child feel guilty for having a rapport with them. The mum does. Despite me having been around for over a decade, he's made to feel guilty for having any sort of affectionate relationship. We now have situation where new step dad is subject of a Clares Law disclosure (he's a total and utter scumbag) and although there has been an occasion we're he fell out of favour with the child (he kicked off with his temper and was chucked out for a few days), child is quite willing to forgive anything provided mum gives her stamp of approval. What this has taught me is he can have a relationship with people mum approves or pushes on him. Anyone else, he feels an immense amount of guilt for having affection for them as Mum is an oddity.

Completely agree with this

[TwoDots]

In my circumstances, it’s the mum. Mums have a harder time letting another woman into their kids lives. Their need for control infiltrates into our home. Her husband can do what he likes….the same rules don’t apply for him as what she sets for me

[Pinkyxx]

While I agree misogyny plays a huge part (I'm probably going to get flamed for this) I kind of agree with @ReachersAbs I'm going to generalize to make my point, and please remember it's just my opinion, and like everything this doesn't all universally to all women...

Women and how women treat each other, is problematic in general, and that is what that makes being a step mother (or an ex-wife for that matter) hard. Women dish out a lot of shit at each other.. Women, by nature, engage in power plays with one-another, grapple for status and control. It creates masses of drama, encourages judgement, bad feeling, fixed mindsets, lack of compromise etc... all in the name of navigating whatever hierarchy the 2 women are competing in.. All smacks of micro-aggressions, not overtly aggressive but passive power plays, a dynamic which we don't often talk openly about but is all so endemic in the world of female interactions... sometimes the ex-wife will be the main thrust of this dynamic others it's the SM. If either or both women have unrealistic expectations of the other then you can bet it's going to be very unpleasant for all concerned. A bit like why being a teenage girl is often horrific experience....

[SpaceshiptoMars]

@SandyY2K

"I don't despise any of them at all...I actually love working with them. It's trying to work on security and control, which can be challenging at times."

Consciously maybe you don't. However, look at the words you actually used. They leak disrespect. This is one of the reasons that when I looked for a counsellor, I specified either a stepmum herself - or a man.

[flowergirl2020]

Although I agree to an extent that as Mums generally have the children more, as a consequence they see more of step dad. In our case this isn't true. See each more of less 50/50. The 'stepdad's' (there has been more than one) have an easier time of it in our situation because we don't make the child feel guilty for having a rapport with them. The mum does. Despite me having been around for over a decade, he's made to feel guilty for having any sort of affectionate relationship. We now have situation where new step dad is subject of a Clares Law disclosure (he's a total and utter scumbag) and although there has been an occasion we're he fell out of favour with the child (he kicked off with his temper and was chucked out for a few days), child is quite willing to forgive anything provided mum gives her stamp of approval. What this has taught me is he can have a relationship with people mum approves or pushes on him. Anyone else, he feels an immense amount of guilt for having affection for them as Mum is an oddity.

[harriethoyle]

@Renniesfixeverything

Because expectations of women are a million times higher than of men, especially where parenting (of any sort) is concerned.

Came on to say exactly this... It's the old adage of Ginger Rogers being expected to do everything Fred Astaire, but backwards...!

[RubricEnemy]

Because, as a gross generalisation, mothers are expected to parent their children. Fathers have the option to do so.

[funinthesun19]

but I think they have more understanding and recognition that the kids need their mums.

And isn’t it interesting how those mums actually parent their kids? Of course stepdads are more understanding when it won’t actually affect them.

There are many dads who have their children round “because their children need them”, and then leave their partner to look after them. Harder for the stepmum to be so understanding isn’t it?

[Youseethethingis1]

They don't interfere with the parenting, which is where a lot of issues stem from
That's an interesting observation give the sheer volume of hateful comments that will greet a SM on here who says she will not be doing whatever parenting tasks the parents have decided she is obliged too.
"Poor kids" "do them all a favour and get a divorce" "you knew what you were getting into" "you sound cold" "when you marry a man with a child, that child becomes your child too, you have no right to say no" blah blah blah blah blah

[SandyY2K]

@Spaceshiptomars

But you only see a tiny subset of stepmums, don't you? You don't see the ones who are coping fine. And you've never walked a mile in any of their shoes. I wonder if your clients realize just how much you despise them.

I do see those coping fine...my SIL is one of them...but I agree that threads and forums specifically did this icky show the bad ..but that's the same for all these forums... you only see the bad.

I know they're are many many successful step families who get on amazingly.

I don't despise any of them at all...I actually love working with them. It's trying to work on security and control, which can be challenging at times.

It's just that even the stepdads who struggle don't seem to be as petty or jealous. They don't interfere with the parenting, which is where a lot of issues stem from. They divvy see it as a competition which is the vibe I get quirks a lot.

I've never heard stepdads talk of second husband syndrome...or use the misogynistic term of mini wife, that I see online among SMs.

They do have struggles and can ne more vocal about wanting the kids to leave home at 18...but I think they have more understanding and recognition that the kids need their mums.

[KylieKoKo]

I don't this is just a step-mum/step-dad issue.

Have you not noticed that dads are praised for doing the bare minimum whereas mums are judged much more harshly? A friend of mine has a baby and people always comment on how hands on he is and how often he changes the nappies etc. and how great he is for doing it, whereas for women it is just expected that they will do these things. Step-mums are held to a much higher standard than step-dads and are judged much more harshly if they don't in the same way.

[Huz]

@Reallyreallyborednow

Generally because a step dad lives with the child.

it is far easier to set boundaries and form a good relationship if you see the child everyday, have a routine, know where you stand.

if you see a child for one day eow you cannot build that relationship. So you’re effectively expected to parent a child you don’t know.

that and the fact women are expected to take on more of a caring role than men.

This is exactly why I hate being a step mum. I don't hate the child but I don't like the situation at all

[fruitbrewhaha]

@Hotcuppatea

Because of misogyny.

This. Because it's harder being a woman then it is being a man.

[funinthesun19]

Pressed too soon.
The stepdad only has his own household to think about and run. Whereas the stepmum is expected to consider and think about the mum’s household too.

[funinthesun19]

Stepdads also don’t get childcare and school run requests from the ex. I saw a thread on here not so long ago where the stepmum was ill and the ex wanted her help.
can you imagine if the dad requested help from the stepdad in any circumstance? I imagine the mum would have something to say about that.

[funinthesun19]

I find stepmums seem to be more jealous, complain more, see themselves as better than the mum and are more controlling over a lot, which just causes them stress.

Stepmums have a lot more stupid petty things to contend with which probably end up making them controlling and dislike the mum. Do you think stepdads get told by their wife’s ex that their children can’t have an ice cream without the step kids being there? I highly fucking doubt it.

[aSofaNearYou]

@toomuchlaundry

@aSofaNearYou but do you not see how the dad is with his kids before becoming a fully committed stepmum, or do many of these men then change as soon as there is a new ‘mum’ to do parenting?

Yes many of them do change, and many of the expectations evolve/complications arise unexpectedly over time. If you knew from the offset as a SD you be the provider you would know to opt in or out accordingly. It's much more up front and easy to predict.

[ReachersAbs]

@SandyY2K

Well...unless a stepdad, or all stepdads tell you it's easier, how can you really say being a stepmum IS easier.

Easier, is subjective as well. Many stepdads take on the financial burden of stepkids and the mum stays home with no job....while another man supports her kids.

I find stepmums seem to be more jealous, complain more, see themselves as better than the mum and are more controlling over a lot, which just causes them stress.

There is so much insecurity with second wife syndrome and the regret of not experiencing the 'firsts' that many (not all) stepmums have. There seems to be this fear that he'll go back to her, or the Ex wants him back. Women need to be wiser in choosing a man who isn't a lazy so and so looking for a replacement mum for his kids.

Women assume caregiving responsibilities, even without the societal expectations and then it backfires, when they have enough of being taken advantage of. We can't ignore the fact some single dads just want a woman to help them out, or parent their kids. Women fall for this...I'm not sure if it's out of a bit of desperation.. then they have so much regret, that the Ex is ever present.

Its this sort of bollocks that makes being a step mum hard not the actual step parenting.