Why is being a step mum harder than stepdad?

[thatsnotmydog]

So statistically and anecdotally being a step mum is so much harder than being a step dad, why do you think that is?

Exactly. I don’t buy step mums have it harder, it’s much harder living in a house and raising a child 90% of the time than it is having a child in your house eow! Step mums often claim they do everything but how much are you actually doing a weekend a fortnight 🤷‍♀️

But why should they? This argument that
step mums have it easy because they only have the kids EOW misses the point spectacularly! They’re not her kids??

I’m not sure this is true. It seems that quite a lot of the time, the children of the ‘first family’ are maintained on the basis of the stepparents’ incomes in both houses.

Quite often there’s been a divorce settlement in favour of the now ex-W, especially if she doesn’t have a job. The father is paying child maintenance and trying to house himself (having given up his assets to meet his children’s and ex’s needs). So he finds himself a new woman. This time with a career and, often, assets. A house that can either be used to house his children during contact or sold to provide the deposit for a house that can be used for that purpose (with a mortgage and bills to which she will be contributing equally).

Meanwhile, the children’s mother continues to SAH and finds a man. He will have to pay the bills but this may be offset by him being able to move into a much cheaper house (sometimes mortgage or rent free, depending on the divorce settlement). Regardless, the SC’s lifestyle is being paid for in large part by the stepparents.

In my own case, my husband had no useful (for daily life) assets left because his ex got everything but his pension. He has large maintenance payments to make for his children. And rent is much more expensive than a mortgage (not that he could buy anything because he had no deposit). I have a good career, and (as a result of that) I had assets when I met him. I had a nice house with plenty of equity and an affordable mortgage. Plus the earning power to combine with his and that equity to buy a much bigger house (and much better than what he had when he was with his ex top). He earns more than me but, after he’s paid his child maintenance, he contributes less to the household than I do with my much smaller salary and the child maintenance I receive. I’m changing job soon to a higher paid role, so the difference will be even greater.

What this means is that I am - through having contributed 25% of the value of this house and through contributing more than 50% of the household income (the income that actually comes to this house) - subsidising the SC’s lifestyle to a considerable extent. Or I was, til I left him. So now he’s got more maintenance to pay and is renting a tiny house. And I’ll get screwed over in the divorce settlement to further subsidise the SC (he gets to claim
greater needs despite having not that long ago agreed to a settlement that left him with little but his income). Because the law is stupid.

Why would stepdads pay more than stepmums?

Absolutely nailed it. Also, you'll get no sympathy from anyone because 'you knew what you were getting into' (not true, it's a very unique dynamic that you don't truly understand until you are a step parent.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander what about situations where the biological dad buggered off and never pays maintenance and no divorce settlement. In that situation stepdad will finance the kids and if the DC were young probably become ‘dad’ to the kids. Something most stepmums say they would never do

But this thread is about who has it harder, I don’t think anyone should do anything but I think step dads have a tougher time

EOW is often worse because you have so little influence or control. And their father’s guilt based parenting makes things so much worse. The children’s presence is the execration, rather than the rule, which means it’s inherently disruptive (whereas it’s the norm in the other house, and the EOW contact is a nice break). The disruption very easily becomes quite negative with the Disney dad factor.

You’re always the outsider. Expected to do and contribute everything but, at the same time, to cede all control or influence over your own life. And everyone - the children, both their parents, their extended family - are very keen to cast you as the handy villain at the drop of a hat.

Meanwhile the stepdad is lauded for having done so much as made beans on toast for them.

Having my own children in the house - one most of the time, the other all the time - is much, much easier than EOW with SC (especially SC whose parents’ attitudes and behaviour make them hostile towards me). I’ve got a toddler 100% of the time and a full-time job and it is much less stressful than that was.

There’s no stepmum in that situation, is there?

It’s because ‘mothering’ is associated with a lot of drudgery, acts of service and physical affection. These are a bit harder to do with children that aren’t your own. Like if your own make a mess you’ll tell them off and that’ll be that. Whereas with stepkids, they’ll resent it and harbour it. Then you’ll resent the picking up after them more and so it goes on. There’s generally less expected of dads to be deemed as doing a good job. Kick a ball about with them, ruffle them on the head and you’re good 👍

But @FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander we are not looking at one blended family and asking whether the stepdad or stepmum has it harder in that family. In the single mum situation with no input from dad, I would say a stepdad who takes on those stepkids, especially if he is the higher earner is having it quite hard. Paying and housing children that aren’t his and never having a break from them

The man who abandons his children and never pays anything might have partners, but they’re not stepmums in any meaningful sense.

In any case, the stepdad there is choosing to take on, not just a dependent partner but one with dependent children. He’s agreeing to a lifestyle where he’s the provider and, presumably, on the basis that he gets a housewife who does everything else. He agrees to take on ‘fatherhood’ without a man in that role already (the original cast member has quit). And, given he’s taken it on in a breadwinner/homemaker scenario, the patriarchal expectations set the bar for him doing anything but paying for things below the ground.

I don’t think that’s harder role than the woman who gets to pay for everything, do all the drudge work in the home, and is vilified by all and sundry regardless against a background there the children already have a main parent and primary influence in their lives. Meanwhile the NR father who is basically delegating all the crap to her (but allowing her no authority along with it) is lauded by all and sundry for being such a good dad. Because, as always, the bar for men is that low.

Interesting isn’t it? Within two pages we’ve gone from why is being a step mum harder than being a step dad to ‘it’s a broader issue’ ‘misogyny’ ‘all mums have it really hard’ to ‘they don’t’ ‘most step mums don’t want the kids living with them full time’ ‘what are they moaning about they only have them every other weekend’ etc

I’m not going to compare the two because I’ve never been a step dad but all this shite is what makes it hard. The demonisation of step mothers, the changing and unrealistic expectations which no one can meet, as someone else said upthread the assumption that you were the other woman and it makes it worse that this mainly comes from women. Men don’t dish out this shit, it’s women who make life difficult for step mothers in my experience.

Ok so In your theory do dads who only see their kids eow have it harder than the mum then whose with them the rest of the time?! 🤦🏻

Paying for children is generally the least difficult of the parental responsibilities.

I know, because I pay for mine and do everything else too. If all I had to do was what is expected of fathers, I’d have a much more relaxing life!

Ok so In your theory do dads who only see their kids eow have it harder than the mum then whose with them the rest of the time?!

would you be ok with only seeing your kids eow?

No. They don’t. Because mostly they’ve delegated the work to the women in their life. They’ve probably got the easiest job of all. And bucketloads of sympathy as the poor father who misses his children.

Patriarchy, you see.

Because of course women never have affairs and leave their kids.

’Most’ women refuse to take on the parenting role and if they do, of course they’re the lower earner and don’t contribute to the children’s upbringing because obviously step mums are evil.

Honestly it would be laughable if it wasn’t so offensive a cliche.

As this response shows… poor NR fathers.

Life has just happened to them and they made no decisions that led them to this situation.

Some of you have very low expectations of dads, DH has always been hands on dad. If we had split up I would assume he would have stayed the same

Plenty are, considering eow is the most common set up

But the dad isn’t an outsider in his own home etc as described in the second paragraph? Because they have some control, unlike a step mum?

Yes this. Some people treat stepmothers like second class citizens.

Often they have control over the bits they care about. Men do often leave all the child related or home related stuff to women. But they get to spend their money how they like and retain control in relation to the household (after all, they earn the money).

Gender roles and expectations make things very different for SMs.

As with so much it’s the patriarchy that makes it worse for women. And also the patriarchy that has women scrabbling around to explain how it’s so much harder for men.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander why are we assuming men earn the money?

A little disappointing that on mumsnet, a website for mums, we assume a women (not a mother, a stepmother, so wouldn’t be on maternity for DSC etc) couldn’t possibly earn more than a man...