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Changing agreements at the last minute
42

Neveragain85 · 04/06/2022 22:39

I’ve been in a relationship for a few years since my divorce. Throughout the relationship I have really struggled with feeling secure which I’ve never had a problem with in previous relationships. I’ve been reflecting on this & believe it’s down to his ex changing agreed plans at the last minute regularly throughout our relationship. I suffer with anxiety & I’m possibly neuro diverse so any changes to plans completely throws me & upsets me. He has no problem with last minute changes & always agrees & changes what we planned to suit his ex & avoid conflict. I’ve just had enough. I can’t live like this. I just can’t see it ever ending. I’ve brought it up countless times with him but he just sees it as extra time with his kids & doesn’t see the issue. But is it a big enough issue to end the relationship over?

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Tigertealeaves · 05/06/2022 00:04

If it's a big issue for you, then yes. It's your relationship. There is no reason to stay in it if it doesn't work for you.

One of the things that has made the many ups and downs of our 'blended' family life bearable is that we respect and accommodate ex's plans and vice versa.

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WooNoodle · 05/06/2022 08:21

It is enough to end it if you think it is. You don't ever need a reason to end it. I personally get annoyed when plans are changed to suit the ex for no good reason if made with absolutely no thought to my plans but usually it doesn't impact me at all.

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user1474315215 · 05/06/2022 08:27

If it doesn't work for you then you have to end it. But does it work both ways? It's certainly in the best interests of children of separated parents if their relationship is flexible and cooperative and your DP will always be a parent first.

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denim321 · 05/06/2022 09:44

If you're expecting a NRP to turn down the opportunity of extra time with his DC because you don't like it, then it probably is better to end it

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denim321 · 05/06/2022 09:45

Perhaps it's your mindset, rather than seeing it as him prioritising his ex's plans and avoiding conflict with her, try to view it as him prioritising his DC and having extra time with them

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billy1966 · 05/06/2022 10:02

Absolutely a reason to end things.

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Youseethethingis1 · 05/06/2022 11:01

Yes, end it.
It's rude to ditch plans at the last minute repeatedly for reasons other than an emergency. My DH has never done this to me and I'd have walked if he did. It's no way to live.
If he can't behave respectfully towards you then he has no business being in a relationship. He should stay single and then he can be at his ex's beck and call without wasting anyone elses time. You will never be the number one priority, of course, but if he is wanting a relationship to flourish then you have to be A Priority to him, not the optional add on when it suits everyone else.

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LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 05/06/2022 11:22

If it's a big issue for you then that's what matters, not what value others may put on the issue. My DC are ND, I am too, but in a very different way. One of my DC would struggle massively with this, I wouldn't, in fact I'd value this trait, as I would want to see my DC every extra opportunity I could get too.

It doesn't sound like he wants to change this. So the options are to live with it or break up. It's perfectly valid to say that is a compromise you're not prepared to make or one that you can't cope with. Your relationship has to work for the people you both actually are, if it doesn't and you can't see it doing so in the future without one of you massively compromising who you are then splitting up is likely to be in the best interests of you both long term.

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stepmumspacepodcast · 05/06/2022 18:11

anything that’s making you unhappy is a good enough reason to end a relationship 💐

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KylieKoKo · 05/06/2022 21:12

Dp and his ex are flexible with each other but there has never been an expectation from either side that anyone cancels plans at the last minute to accommodate the other's last minute plans. I think your partner is being disrespectful by constantly cancelling plans with you.

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LidlMissSunshine · 05/06/2022 21:21

I was in exactly the same position as you.

I stayed and went on to have children with him. I thought it would get better. And when it didn’t, I convinced myself it was my fault and I was a shitty person for even being bothered by it (some horrid posters on the step parenting board here really helped reinforce that for me!)

Anyway, nearly 15 years on and it hasn’t got any better. In fact it affected me and my life in lots of ways that are too long to go into. Suffice it to say it’s been death by a thousand cuts and now I would say to anyone in the same position to cut your losses and run a million miles.

It will always be like this and your mental health will take a battering in the process. It really takes its toll - living a life where you can’t ever really control who’s in your house, who’s not, and you never know what the fuck is going on from one day to the next, but you can’t opt out either otherwise you get guilt tripped.

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Starseeking · 05/06/2022 21:54

I left a similar situation when it became clear that EXDP would rather rather prioritise his EXDW and not upset her last minute demands, and push me right to the bottom of the pile and upset me.

You deserve better than that OP.

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denim321 · 05/06/2022 22:36

Starseeking · 05/06/2022 21:54

I left a similar situation when it became clear that EXDP would rather rather prioritise his EXDW and not upset her last minute demands, and push me right to the bottom of the pile and upset me.

You deserve better than that OP.

OPs not prioritising an ex tho, he's prioritising his kids

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SandyY2K · 05/06/2022 22:40

I’ve just had enough. I can’t live like this. I just can’t see it ever ending.

I’ve brought it up countless times with him but he just sees it as extra time with his kids & doesn’t see the issue.

But is it a big enough issue to end the relationship over?

Of course it is, because you've said you can't live like this..so IT IS a big enough issue for YOU.

You've been with him a few years and he's happy for the last minute changes.

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KylieKoKo · 06/06/2022 00:00

denim321 · 05/06/2022 22:36

OPs not prioritising an ex tho, he's prioritising his kids

Why do so many people on here think that having kids is some kind of get out of jail free card to treating your partners badly?

Constantly cancelling plans at the last minute is rude and disrespectful. Kids or no kids.

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Starseeking · 06/06/2022 00:16

@denim321, I've been through this, it's really not.

Let's say OP has bought tickets to go to the theatre say, with her DH in evening, their first night out in months, so their DC have gone to OP's parents for the night. EXDW rings at lunchtime on the day of the event and says to the DH, would you look after DC this evening as I want to go for a drink with a friend?

Response A. For the DH to prioritise not upsetting his DW is to say to his EXDW is I can't this evening, as I've already got plans, but I can pick DC up tomorrow (or whenever).

Response B. For the DH to prioritise not upsetting the EXDW is to say sure I'll collect them at 6pm. Meaning he'll have to cancel the theatre plans, waste the money and put his first date night out with DW off, so his EXDW can go out instead.

Neither of these responses have anything to do with the DC, and aren't a reflection of the DC being first/not being first. It's everything to do with who the DH feels will be less upset with him, and who the DH feels has more "power" over him.

My EXDP would have gone with response A every time. I (and our joint DC), were at the end of a very long queue which put DSS first in line, swiftly followed up by DSS' DM.

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MintJulia · 06/06/2022 00:38

It's perfectly natural for a person to take every opportunity to see his kids. You won't change his mind over that.

If it's making you unhappy and you can't live with it then you need to end the relationship.

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KylieKoKo · 06/06/2022 01:11

@MintJulia surely if your co parenting arrangement means that you are on call 24/7 to facilitate an exes social life to the extent that you can't be relied upon as a partner then you shouldn't have a partner. It's not reasonable to expect anyone to put up with constantly being cancelled on.

Yet again women are expected to just put up with being treated badly because men have children.

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KylieKoKo · 06/06/2022 01:13

I bet if a sm expected her partner to cancel contact at the last minute because she wanted to do something she'd get crucified. I can't imagine posters saying it's fine because the mum should want extra time with her kids ....

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Aquamarine1029 · 06/06/2022 01:51

I’ve just had enough. I can’t live like this.

And there's your answer. I don't understand why you've bothered to post other than to get "permission" from other people. Which you don't need, btw. This relationship isn't working for you and your opinion is the only one that matters.

Dump him and move on. He isn't the man for you.

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WooNoodle · 06/06/2022 06:27

MintJulia · 06/06/2022 00:38

It's perfectly natural for a person to take every opportunity to see his kids. You won't change his mind over that.

If it's making you unhappy and you can't live with it then you need to end the relationship.

In a family where parents are together both parents make plans, go to work etc that means they do not see their kids. They don't usually suddenly change those plans without asking the other if it is going to mean the other needs to change their plans to look after the children. If they often changed their plans and left the other to look after the children people would not say "oh but they get to spend more time with their children". They would probably say "omg that's not on you should get time to go to rugby/have a bath/visit your dying friend in hospital/whatever".

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WooNoodle · 06/06/2022 06:29

KylieKoKo · 06/06/2022 01:13

I bet if a sm expected her partner to cancel contact at the last minute because she wanted to do something she'd get crucified. I can't imagine posters saying it's fine because the mum should want extra time with her kids ....

So so true. It only seems to be the case when it's the RP wanting to change things.

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LidlMissSunshine · 06/06/2022 08:17

I never got the ‘spend more time with the kids’ argument. In a 50:50 share, the kids get equal time with each parent. The parent who’s always wanting to change plans at the last minute is opting to see their children less. Surely the best thing for the children would be to say ‘no, arrange your plans for the days you don’t usually have the kids, then they don’t miss out on time with you’. More time with one parent means less time with the other. If it’s consistently one way, then overall the kids are missing out.

Also, my opinion is that if you’re a parent who wants to be able to drop everything at any time in order to accommodate your ex’s schedule, then you’re not ready to start a new relationship. You’re not capable of considering or meeting a new partner’s needs (ie: basic respect and equality in the relationship).

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Starseeking · 06/06/2022 08:32

KylieKoKo · 06/06/2022 01:11

@MintJulia surely if your co parenting arrangement means that you are on call 24/7 to facilitate an exes social life to the extent that you can't be relied upon as a partner then you shouldn't have a partner. It's not reasonable to expect anyone to put up with constantly being cancelled on.

Yet again women are expected to just put up with being treated badly because men have children.

I agree with every word of this.

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MintJulia · 06/06/2022 08:34

@KylieKoKo Yes, absolutely. The non-resident parent is unlikely to see it as 'suiting his ex and avoiding conflict'. In their eyes, it is simply a precious opportunity to spend extra time with their child.

I'm not saying it's fair on the OP. It isn't, but I know that the needs of my child would always come before anything else, which is why I won't have another partner until my ds is 16+

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