Changing agreements at the last minute

[Neveragain85]

I’ve been in a relationship for a few years since my divorce. Throughout the relationship I have really struggled with feeling secure which I’ve never had a problem with in previous relationships. I’ve been reflecting on this & believe it’s down to his ex changing agreed plans at the last minute regularly throughout our relationship. I suffer with anxiety & I’m possibly neuro diverse so any changes to plans completely throws me & upsets me. He has no problem with last minute changes & always agrees & changes what we planned to suit his ex & avoid conflict. I’ve just had enough. I can’t live like this. I just can’t see it ever ending. I’ve brought it up countless times with him but he just sees it as extra time with his kids & doesn’t see the issue. But is it a big enough issue to end the relationship over?

It's not the needs of the child, it's the needs of the other parent to have their plans accommodated at the last minute.

Either the other parent find suitable childcare or they don't do whatever they were wanting to do that was so last minute.

DH's ex used to change the schedule at a moment's notice all the time. When I would point out that it was unreasonable, he'd get all angsty - 'but I'd rather DSC was here than with someone else'. That 'someone else' would've been DSC's maternal grandparents, which would have been nice for them I think. Couldn't see the problem with DSC being looked after by 'someone else' who was also related to them. Also because these conversations were usually happening between DH and me over WhatsApp while we were both at work FT and our DCs were in nursery from 8-6, but that was fine for them to be looked after by 'someone else'

It isn't for the child's benefit at all though. If anything being dumped on the other parent because RP has changed their plans last minute again will be super unsettling. They need to sort themselves out and stick to the schedule unless it's an emergancy or planned in advance. I feel sorry for the kid with their mum palming them off on dad all the time because she has better stuff to do. The only exceptions should be family emergencies, hospital appointments , work that can't be avoided etc.

The only exceptions should be family emergencies, hospital appointments , work that can't be avoided etc.
I think I differ a bit from this in that if DSD's mum wanted to go out tonight I would have no problem with them coming here as we don't have any plans. However, if we had planned to do something DP would tell her we had plans.
To me the issue is that the OP's partner sees plans with her as unimportant enough to changed at the whim of his ex.

You don't need to justify why this is a dealbreaker to you.

My ex DH is non nerotypical and I find it incredibly reassuring and good that he never changes plans re our Dad tbh. I know where I am at all times and if the plans change it's always the last last option

Find someone who finds this trait comforting not restrictive. There are people out there.

I would agree with that if planned in advance. This is only my DSC though they get a bit wobbly with changes to schedules.

@KylieKoKo I'm interested that you won’t have a partner till your child is 16+

I hope you don’t mind me asking but why?

its possible surely to have a healthy partnership and a strong healthy relationship with children. It doesn’t have to be one or the other does it?

I think all of the plan changing stuff depends entirely on context. Sometimes people won’t change plans at all which is petty, but also I don’t think ex partners should expect the parties to drop everything if they want to change plans… a bit of give & take like normal would work surely? Except in MANY step situations this isn’t possible so the firm boundaries have to be put in place for peoples’ sanity!

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's not nice to hear others have had the same experience. Whenever I say something he just argues his point. I'm very worn down & had self esteem issues anyway but this has really affected me. I had no idea dating after divorce could be like this! I'm an EXW myself & I've never done anything like that to my ex so I find it really hard to understand. I think I've been a bit too understanding & it's affected me more than it should have done

It wasn't me who said that @stepmumspacepodcast!

As pp's have said, if the situation isn't working out for you then you should end the relationship.

I'm a SM and myself and DH were always flexible about arrangement changes when the children were younger (now adults) as long as it didn't conflict with significant plans.

For example, if we'd had vague plans we might do xyz then not really a problem, we can go another time or all go together assuming a child suitable activity - it was lovely to spend more time with SDC.

However, if we'd booked a rare night out/weekend away or tickets for an event that would have been cancelled then the answer was no (unless it was an emergency and note: we'd obviously have already arranged childcare for our joint DC).

I suspect the difference in my circumstance was DH's Ex didn't ask all that often (maybe 3/4 times a year) and she was equally happy to reciprocate (on the same basis) if we asked to change arrangements in return (usually in our case due to international work travel commitments).

Had I been in a situation where every week was effectively "unplanned" and events regularly cancelled, then it's a very different situation and I can say with certainty I wouldn't still be married to my DH.

Sorry @KylieKoKo ! My bad!

If only it was as noble as that, many exes do these “last minute changes” as a way to demonstrate they are still calling the shots even if it takes neglecting the children to force the other parent to cancel plans.

Do you know my favourite? When his ex wife wants to go on a holiday on days the kids are with her and that holiday clashes with a holiday of ours: as soon as she is told we have plans on the same days she goes silent, then she texts us from the airport to say “the children are alone at home, see you in a week”.

Oh my god she didn't?!!!

I mean obviously she did. I'm just shocked! Was your partner tempted to reply "we're in France so I'll let social services know".

@GetThatHelmetOn
My head just exploded 🤯
Can't wait for some apologist to come along and blame you and your DH for his ex abandoning her children. Will be fascinating stuff I'm sure.

Perhaps it's your mindset, rather than seeing it as him prioritising his ex's plans and avoiding conflict with her, try to view it as him prioritising his DC and having extra time with them
I have to say I vehemently disagree with this and I'm saying that as an exw. The perception of it prioritising the dc is a total fallacy in most cases and all it does is feed into the well worn narrative that there is something 'wrong' &/or lacking in being an nrp and that if you are one then you should spend your entire life 'making up' for it; facilitating your ex to the detriment of all others under the guise of "oh but it's for the sake of the dc".
It's not for the sake of the dc at all as most dc hate their parents messing around with access arrangements. Smaller dc need & want the security of knowing where they are with a routine & older dc want to know that their plans with friends etc. aren't going to be upended.
I have this in reverse. Exh goes through periods of stability but then goes through a few months of upending things. Mine are 16, 20 & 25 & this STILL drives them nuts - because they will make themselves available to see their dad and their half siblings (when it suits their dad) & then he'll cancel and expect them to accommodate him the following weekend when they will have plans!
He used to try this a lot when they were smaller, chopping and changing plans, & the kids hated it so I had to get very firm in keeping things on a regular rota.
I'd be 99% sure that what op is experiencing here suits no one (including the dc) bar the ex who is getting exactly what she wants & op's dp who is now established as being in a pattern of obligation to his ex which is affecting his entire household.

He has had a life time of abuse and having the children dropped on him like a hot potato, so he just jumps through hoops because nobody else would do.

Besides, who would believe him? The woman is headteacher and even a bloody Samaritan.

But going back to the OP’s question… I am copying by keeping a distance, the less plans I make involving her children the lower the likelihood she gets into destructive mode. Obviously it would help if DP didn’t tell her ANYTHING about our plans to avoid her doing stuff to ruin them but… he won’t.

He sincerely thinks he is doing it for the children, I think that if he really cared that much, the children would be already living with him but no, both DP and his kids are in this toxic circle of appeasing the dragon all the time, just for the dragon to get worse so.. I am thinking of removing myself from the picture as I don’t think I can do anything to change what is happening.