It's no longer working for me - what do I do?

[Kurli]

So... Bit of background, I have 2 DSC and also DC of my own with DH.

My step kids mum is alright, not the worst by far but not always been an angel either (who is though I guess!). She can do things I think are unreasonable sometimes but we've never directly had negative words or anything.

Very sadly her mum died about a year ago. It was quite sudden and very sad for DSC and their mum.

She was struggling because her mum used to take DSC to school on her days (she starts work too early) and it was just another added stress for her at a really bad time so I said I'd help out doing that for a while until she could sort it. I was on maternity at the time so thought I'd help where I could.

Here's where the issue is... It's now been over a year and I'm still doing it. I want to stop, for a variety of reasons it just doesn't work for me anymore and was only ever supposed to be a more short term help rather than a long term solution.

What do I do?!

DH thinks I should just say after next week I'll be stopping and leave it to her but there is no love lost between them so!

Do what he suggests.

You really do need to give her notice that you will stop doing the school runs.

Can your DH do a few?

your DSC's mum will need to make arrangements to cover her days. You cannot be held responsible for this, you've gone over and above already.

Just tell her after x weeks/days I will not be doing the school runs.

It's the summer holidays for my children in 6 weeks, any chance you could ride it out until the end of term and then let her know you can't do it when they go back, then that gives her time to sort something else.

Obviously if that's not possible for you just tell her your schedule is changing so you can't do it no more.

How come you kept doing it when you returned to work? Didn't anyone voice an expectation that you wouldn't be able to do it any more?

As PP said, if you can see out the term that would be great of you, but of you can't then you can't. She's had a year to flex her hours, sort a childminder or breakfast club or whatever. You did not sign up indefinitely.
Also, the usual diddies will be along shortly with their bleeding hearts "won't somebody think of the children" routine - ignore them. You've done the woman a favour, your DH is on your side, over to the DM.

Personally I would carry on til the summer holidays and tell her now, so she’s got ages to find another solution.

you’ve been super kind 😊

I agree that you just need to say that your schedule is changing and you can't do it from X date. Blame work if it avoids bad feeling or the kids thinking that you just don't want to. I'm a great believer in little white lies to aid social relations.
It's fair to give her done notice but this really isn't your responsibility

I'm self employed so it's not the end of the world workwise but ideally I'd like to be starting work earlier now as I'm busier, my DC can start nursery much earlier than DSC go to school so I'm finding that I'm hanging around waiting to start work after I've dropped DSC off when really I'd like to start earlier now.

Does their school have wraparound care?

I agree waiting until September but do give notice now. You could even be helpful and find some local childminders who are available so if she gets funny and asks what she's going to do you have an answer!

I think it's great you've helped out and I do believe in blended families the children are everyone's responsibility but in this situation it's mum contact days she needs to sort it.

The same way everyone expects the dad to sort childcare on his!

@Kurli you have gone over and above. But she's clearly taking the piss now. As others have suggested. If you could manage till the holidays then that gives the mum a lot of time to Make other arrangements.

Personally I'd tell her now. That from September you won't be able to accommodate doing this anymore. If September is too far off I think a minimum of 2 weeks notice is very fair, to allow her time to make arrangements.

I'd also say you can't do it from after the school holidays - hopefully that will give her time to sort out something on her days.

Just out of interest - does your DH drop them at school on his days, or is that down to you too?

Definitely tell her that after the summer holidays you are unable to do school drop offs anymore. She and your partner has until September to sort out other childcare options.

Let the parents of the kids sort the school routine. However, is the father doing his fair share? Or is it mummy’s responsibility to sort all school drop offs and pick ups and daddy’s responsibility to play footie at the weekend? Because it stands out to me that your husband (father of these kids) has said ‘oh just tell her you’re stopping, rather than ‘oh I will organise my kids schooling with their mother.’

DH tends to do the drop offs on our days to be fair, very occasionally I'll step in if needed.

We have 50:50 3 days one week, 4 the next.

I'd say I will do it for you until the summer holidays start, but will will have to find alternative arrangements after that as I did say it was only a temporary thing and don't want to have to keep worrying about school times ect as I want some free time before my child starts school and my life becomes more restricted. X

You have been so kind and accommodating to your DSC Mum. I hope she acknowledges this and has thanked you. If you could manage to keep going to end of term mid July that would be going above and beyond for her. You could tell her you have taken account of her losing her Mum and how hard that must have been but as from end of term in July she will.need to sort out her own arrangements for new term in September. You will be working immediately after dropping your children to nursery. She should be so grateful to you for helping her out. You must be a really nice person.

I agree waiting until September but do give notice now. You could even be helpful and find some local childminders who are available so if she gets funny and asks what she's going to do you have an answer!
Wait - what?
You're advocating that even though op has been SUPER kind & help that she keeps going for another 6 weeks even thought it doesn't suit her AND that she ALSO takes time out of her day to source childcare for the dm????
Honestly - this takes the biscuit.
The dm should have taken back the school runs of her own accord & should have gotten herself childcare & I say that as a dm!
@Kurli - decide when you want to stop this & yes give her a few weeks notice so as not to land the dc in it.

I agree with others, if you could carry on for the next 6 weeks she then has until September to sort this out.

I’d be telling her that you had agreed to do this until she sorted something out…. Not a whole year. Let her know that your work requires you to work earlier and that you are no longer available to chauffeur her kids on days that they are not staying with you.

And I never said source.

I said fine a list.

It takes 30 seconds on Google and a link to the local site can be sent.

It's purely a defence if any trouble is made to show willingness to help. Hardly worthy of your reaction to it 🙄

In that case your DH is doing his share. She needs to sort it out for her share. You’ve kindly stepped in and helped when needed and now she needs to do as everyone else does. Wish someone would drop my kids to school everyday! Unfortunately nobody wants to do that for free. When DH and I were in a fix we had to pay for breakfast club for the older two. It was a pain in the bum too because we only really needed 20 minutes earlier but had to pay the full fee of course. But that’s life having kids and working! Everyone else has to do it.

I’d just let her know. It’s no big deal. Maybe she thought you were happy to continue if nobody’s actually set a timeline on it. I do find when you say ‘I work flexibly/work from home’ other people hear ‘I am always free and have nothing to do.’

I am sorry, I’m a bit confused now, is it you or your husband who takes your sc to school?

Sorry for the confusion.

When it's our days my husband tends to take them.

When it's mums days, I've been taking them for her.

Why isn't your husband doing them on her days to help?

I'd send her a polite message saying that since you are no longer on maternity leave and you drop your dc off at nursery at [8am], you now start work at [8:15] so are not able to take the dsc to school. Offer to do it for another week or so to enable her to sort it out.