It's no longer working for me - what do I do?

[Kurli]

So... Bit of background, I have 2 DSC and also DC of my own with DH.

My step kids mum is alright, not the worst by far but not always been an angel either (who is though I guess!). She can do things I think are unreasonable sometimes but we've never directly had negative words or anything.

Very sadly her mum died about a year ago. It was quite sudden and very sad for DSC and their mum.

She was struggling because her mum used to take DSC to school on her days (she starts work too early) and it was just another added stress for her at a really bad time so I said I'd help out doing that for a while until she could sort it. I was on maternity at the time so thought I'd help where I could.

Here's where the issue is... It's now been over a year and I'm still doing it. I want to stop, for a variety of reasons it just doesn't work for me anymore and was only ever supposed to be a more short term help rather than a long term solution.

What do I do?!

DH thinks I should just say after next week I'll be stopping and leave it to her but there is no love lost between them so!

Exactly this. If there is literally no other childcare available at that school and in her neighbourhood then you (or rather, your DH) would be cutting off your noses to spite your faces by saying 'you've got 2 weeks to sort out non-existent childcare'. I know your DH and his ex aren't exactly on good terms, but the DC really do have to be put first here, with some leeway built in until she can find long term childcare - otherwise there will be a negative impact one way or another on the DC.

As I said previously though, if she's just choosing not to avail herself of the childcare on offer then a shorter deadline is more than reasonable. It's all about context.

Well the answer is I don't know, I don't need to look into childcare options for primary children as mine aren't in school so I don't know what's available, in addition I have no idea about her relationships or friendships and who she has available to help her really, I don't have massive insight like that into her life.

It's not your job to know - it's your DH's job to know by talking to his ex and establishing the facts.

You've been more than kind already. She really shouldn't have taken advantage of you for so long.

Two weeks is plenty, she should have sorted it months ago.

@Kurli

i think what you did was very kind.

I think she has really taken advantage of you letting it carry on for this long.

However, I wouldn't stop doing it right now, right on top of the one year anniversary of her Mums death, it really is a dreadful time.to go through, without additional stress. I agree she's been totally in the wrong not making alternative arrangements, but I'd still wait until after the anniversary and say that you can no longer do it after the end of this term and that if she wants to 'trial' other options before the summer break that would be fab.

You’ve been unbelievably kind doing this for a whole year. It’s mind-boggling that she has never once said ‘thanks, I can do it again now’ or ‘would it be ok to hang on until (month)?’ This suggests that she is abusing your generosity.

I think the end of term is too far off. So 2-3 weeks notice would be fine. You decide how long. And then stick to it, as there is bound to be push back or requests for end of term’.

interesting to see lots of posters falling over themselves to put you at the centre of fixing this, by carrying on another half term, indefinitely, or helping her source alternative childcare. None of this is down to you. I’d your DH wants to help her then fine.

DH has his own work to think about it's not really feasible for him to just start doing all of them either.

You've been very kind to do the school drop-offs so far. If what would suit you is to stop doing them in a fortnight's time, I think that that is reasonable notice.

If she is completely left without options at that point, you could revisit, or your DH could change his plans for a few weeks -- by then there will only be four weeks until the summer holidays. If you don't tell her that the arrangement no longer works for you, I suspect she won't offer to change it.

I think its been kind of you to help out for so long. I'd give her 2 weeks notice, until I can't do it anymore. Please ignore the cries for help, she will be fine. Don't let her guilt trip you. I'd message her now to explain, then it's done.

*And I never said source.

I said fine a list.

It takes 30 seconds on Google and a link to the local site can be sent.

It's purely a defence if any trouble is made to show willingness to help. Hardly worthy of your reaction to it* 🙄

Actually it is because op doesn't need to have any defence ready or show any further willingness to help which is what your posts are basically inferring.
She has already been more than kind and helpful & the dm is taking advantage of this! Once again it's a inference on this boards that an sm should bend herself out of shape to assist the actual parents with their children!

Do you have any reason to believe she will kick up a fuss? e.g. you've tried to stop before.

You might be imagining a problem where there is not one.

Just say you now need to start work 8:30 due to a new daily meeting (thee now v common with more people working from home) so cant do it anymore. Easy.

I would wean her off ASAP. It’s been going on a long time! Im struggling to see the connection between bereavement and can’t do school runs. When my dad died then l didn’t get this amount of slack to be absolved of my responsibilities?!

This

I agree waiting until September but do give notice now. You could even be helpful and find some local childminders who are available so if she gets funny and asks what she's going to do you have an answer!

You do not have to do this, OP! She has been taking the piss for long enough. You have been more than kind.

I think if you could wait until summer hols that would probably be easier RE keeping the peace and giving lots of notice to sort. However that's not your responsibility and would be a kindness on top of what you have already done.

I would simply inform her you are having to drop your own child off early to enable you to get your work done, and as such can't commit any longer to dropping the DSC off on her days and this is the notice period (insert suitable time here).

If it's her days, it's her problem to sort, your DH sorts his. He isn't responsible for hers either, by all means she can ask his help but if he can't, he can't, he's already accommodating his work to the other 50% of days, he can't really be expected to accommodate 100% otherwise the DSC may aswell be with you full time.