It's no longer working for me - what do I do?

[Kurli]

So... Bit of background, I have 2 DSC and also DC of my own with DH.

My step kids mum is alright, not the worst by far but not always been an angel either (who is though I guess!). She can do things I think are unreasonable sometimes but we've never directly had negative words or anything.

Very sadly her mum died about a year ago. It was quite sudden and very sad for DSC and their mum.

She was struggling because her mum used to take DSC to school on her days (she starts work too early) and it was just another added stress for her at a really bad time so I said I'd help out doing that for a while until she could sort it. I was on maternity at the time so thought I'd help where I could.

Here's where the issue is... It's now been over a year and I'm still doing it. I want to stop, for a variety of reasons it just doesn't work for me anymore and was only ever supposed to be a more short term help rather than a long term solution.

What do I do?!

DH thinks I should just say after next week I'll be stopping and leave it to her but there is no love lost between them so!

I wouldn't be giving the notice others are advising. Surely she has been using this very generous time you have provided to secure a long term plan

A failure to plan on her part is not an emergency on yours

Because he isn't a doormat

You aren’t suggesting only giving her a week to plan are you? Unless you know of an option she could use then I think you need to give her at least 2-3 weeks

If uoh haven't said anything about stopping it could be tricky for her to find short notice childminder/school wrap around so some notice would be good i think

Don't over think this. Just message her to say from next month (or whenever) you'll no longer be able to take her kids to school. Keep it lighthearted and simple. Don't over explain yourself. Job done. You can move on. It's not your problem at the end of the day. You've done your bit to help, she needs to arrange her thing and that's not an unreasonable expectation. So long as you give her enough warning you are not being unfair.

What if OP was ill or on holiday? She’d find someone else to do it for her or manage by herself. She’s had a year to make arrangements that don’t depend on OP.

He could easily make the argument that he’s having to take them to school so they should be sleeping at his house every night he’s taking them to school. That would make him the resident parent. And entitled to maintenance for the children.

Or should he run around to suit her work schedule to pretend that he’s not doing more than 50-50?

I think in your shoes I'd do it until the end of school term and then let her know that come September it's no longer possible.

Do what your DH suggests but give them a few more weeks so she can sort something. If she starts really early finding care to cover that time maybe very hard and it might take her more than a week to do so. But what ever time you choose be firm and make sure she understands it's a firm date.

What are the consequences for his children of your DH not doing the drop off on her days?

Is there childcare she could access? Would she have to give up work? It’s all very easy to say shrug and say ‘tough, it’s up to her to sort it out, don’t help her’ but if the end result is that she’d have to move to find a job with more school friendly hours or give up work or whatever then potentially that’s creating a whole new set of problems.

If she’s just choosing not to use childcare then that’s different obvs.

So then he gets residency they still do school runs and she pays maintance

Or she moves the kids further away and it causes problems for their dad, or any other number of scenarios.

Perhaps the OP and her DH don’t want 2 extra DC living with them all the time.

That is not an option for her. They have shared care its not her choice.

Why would the father allow that?

So if you don’t want to do it, tell h he can take over and if he wants to call the arrangement to a close, he can.

The father can’t stop her moving them within the region.

He can stop them moving schools.

Her moving won't be his issue at all. She will then have to do school runs from her new location. Either way her kids on her time are her problem

He'd be an arse to try through the courts to stop them moving schools if it meant that they would be moving somewhere where there was childcare which allowed her to continue working. Good luck with that one.

The DC are his problem, whether he likes it or not. Probably best to try and work together to sort things out, rather than shrugging shoulders.

I don’t agree that you have been a doormat. You’ve helped someone who struggled at the time and are now coming to a point when it doesn’t work for you. And that’s ok.

On paper you’ve already done a lot so one can argue that you can guve her just one week notice. In the RL finding a childminder/wrap around care is t always straight forward.
So I’d say tell her sooner rather than later. I’d give her 2 weeks to find something. But that’s because I’ve been in that situation where I needed to find childcare at the drop of the hat and it was night on impossible. All the CM picking up from my dcs school were full and so was after school club.

On paper giving her up the end of the school year is the kindest thing to do. BUT she should have sorted something out and you might find that actually it’s really not working for you work wise (and whatever else is going on in the background too). If it doesn’t work to wait that long for you, then don’t!

No he wouldn't. Why should he limit his time with his children when he isn't the problem.

She isn't working together though? She's doing sweet FA about it.

Thanks all.

I see the most common suggestion is to wait until the summer hols. I'm not keen on that personally. It's a really busy time of year for me work wise and this is meaning I have to work later that I'd like, leaving my own children in childcare for longer than I usually would (eating into my time with them) to make up for the time spent in the morning waiting around.

I think a 2 week notice as mentioned by a few PPs should hopefully be workable.

I've no worry that she's going to pull the kids out of their school and move away with them.

Re the possibility the mum might have to mov/move school if the OP is asking for her to find a CM within a week.

The issue isn’t the effect it could have on he OP and her DH, or the mum going away/loosing her job, whatever

Its the fact it would have a really negative impact on the dcs!
Becaus wit will do if she looses her job
It will do if the end up having to change arrangement on when the dcs are with who.
Itnwill if the relationship between the ex and the father get really sour because no one wants to compromise help.

That sort of things needs to be sorted leaving some leeway to find suitable childcare. If the OP has been waiting to ask until she can’t cope anymore, then it will have made things much harder for everyone, esp the dcs.

@Kurli is there some childcare around though? Do you know?

Can the ex just not be bothered to find childcare for primary school children or are things hard around where you are?
I think it should inform your decision tbh.

Do I know as in have I looked into it? Well no, I wouldn't have thought that was up to me really.

My DC not in school yet so I've never personally had to look into it.

Sounds like you have been really kind to help and she has started expecting that to carry of indefinitely. Of course that should change. Just ideally without dropping the family in it.

Not every school has wraparound childcare. Not everywhere has childcare options ready & waiting. It isn’t that easy where I live. And no I’m not stupid and ignoring obvious childcare options. There are not many! That’s before you consider cost of childcare, which is another issue. So it depends, if there are options the children’s mum isn’t using, she should. If there aren’t any and she could potentially lose her job without help from someone then at least give her a few weeks notice so she can negotiate with her employer/find a friend to help or something.