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So annoyed!
39

hhhhhm · 27/05/2022 15:38

I'm so so so annoyed, me and DH have had a baby together who I look after 90% of the time. We sleep separately and I do the night feeds.

We have DSD 2/3 nights a week in the week and weekends, when DSD gets back the baby completely goes out of DHs mind, I am left to do everything for the baby and he does NOTHING AT ALL! He just panders to DSD like our baby doesn't exist. I ask him to have the baby for a couple of hours and he says 'how am I meant to handle two children' all I wanted was a couple of hours to myself for a change ffsAngry

I'm so fed up of him not stepping up for our baby, I keep thinking there's single dads and mums everywhere who can manage just fine FFS I'm so angry I feel it would be easier to just be on my own, Atleast I get a break when the baby goes to bed rather than having to pander about cooking for DH.

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Ragruggers · 27/05/2022 15:42

You don’t have to cook for him.Make your own food and sit down once your baby is asleep.Why are you in this relationship if he makes you so unhappy.Start thinking about your future.Good luck.

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funinthesun19 · 27/05/2022 15:52

'how am I meant to handle two children'

He can’t be for real. He handles two children the same way other parents of two do.

I bet any money that if you had to look after dsd for him, he wouldn’t be wondering how you handle two children. And you’re not even a parent of two!

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averythinline · 27/05/2022 15:55

You tell him he has 2 children so he needs to work it out..
Why is he not cooking...are you a servant?

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fallfallfall · 27/05/2022 15:58

So even when DSD isn’t there he’s not stepping up?

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Onemoresleeptogonow · 27/05/2022 16:21

You smile and remind him he managed to conceive 2. The you go out. .

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Tigertealeaves · 27/05/2022 16:34

So he gets time for himself when DSD isn't there (half the time) but you never get any?? Is that correct OP?

How old is DSD - she might enjoy her and dad doing some baby care together or going out together for a walk and a chat with baby in the pram.

Side note - see if your local leisure centre has a creche. Not a solution to the DP problem but the creche at our council gym/pool absolutely saved my sanity in the first 6 months when i was home alone with baby all week, and was very cheap.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2022 16:44

How old is your baby? He sounds pathetic. If he can’t handle two children why did he have a second?

I’ve got two DSC and we have one together, big age gap. We aim for a balance of everyone together, DH and DSC having big kid time, them getting individual time with him and sometimes he just takes the 3 of them out and I put my feet up. They have a whale of a time and I get a rest.

I’d struggle to look at him if he’s choosing to be so useless and lazy. Do you want to stay with him? If you ditched him it doesn’t sound like the baby would notice and at least you’d know you only have yourself to rely on.

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familyissues12345 · 27/05/2022 17:02

Well doesn't he sound like a peach?

It's not as if you're asking to not have your stepdaughter, just that he cares for the baby whether she's there or not Confused

I think next time I'd just announce I was going out! What's he going to do about it?!

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MarmaladeLime · 27/05/2022 17:31

Ask what his plan is if you left him? Have his kids alternately?!

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MarmaladeLime · 27/05/2022 17:32

Your baby is going to grow up to resent the DSC at this rate

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Vsirbdo · 27/05/2022 18:07

My DH was initially a bit like this and I asked him what he thought his relationship would be like with our DC if he drops them every time DSD comes over and how that will make them feel.
I also pretty much gave him no choice and said he’d have to manage because I was doing something

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beachcitygirl · 27/05/2022 18:14

Oh jeez, you poor thing OP, not ok Flowers you & your child are not some second prize.

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MeridianB · 27/05/2022 18:32

How old is DSD, OP?

Of course he’s being an arse. It sounds like you have DSD 50% of the time or more so it’s not as if he needs tons of protected time with her.

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HotDogKetchup · 27/05/2022 20:19

'how am I meant to handle two children'

My DH worked away alot when my second arrived. He said something similar after I’d spent 3 nights and 4 days with a 3 month old, we’d all had D&V and I’d asked him to bath them both. I pointed out the hypocrisy and left him to it for a bit.

i highly recommend. Remind him they are BOTH his children.

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stepuporshutup · 27/05/2022 20:45

Op does your dp look after you dc when dsc is not there

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harryclr · 27/05/2022 22:38

What a (insert rude word)

I hate seeing posts like this but your certainly not alone unfortunately. Its behaviour like this that lead to resentment and regret. Step children (partners first/others) being favourited and treated like royalty whilst poor other child is always second / third whatever in their Dads eyes.

We shouldn't have to be saying 'imagine how our child will feel etc) they should bloody love them equally... its so sad. Then people say 'well your child lives wirh both their parents, their lucky, blah blah blah' - it seems they are much worst off in some circumstances

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Tigertealeaves · 28/05/2022 08:47

It may not even be a DC / SDC thing. I found my DP was not really that interested in our child until she was properly walking, starting to talk, getting more interactive and bold. But he says he felt the same with both DSC and he's very good with DC now. Could it be that your DP finds the older child more fun for himself to play with, and can't be arsed with the graft of looking after a baby? Not a good look for him tbh.

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Youseethethingis1 · 28/05/2022 09:10

DSD is no longer an only child and DH is no longer a father of one. The baby can't be sent back now he's realised it's a bit too much work so he's going to have to make some adjustments. That's all there is to it. Does he have any idea how pathetic he looks right now?

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hhhhhm · 28/05/2022 11:08

MeridianB · 27/05/2022 18:32

How old is DSD, OP?

Of course he’s being an arse. It sounds like you have DSD 50% of the time or more so it’s not as if he needs tons of protected time with her.

DSD is 5 nearing 6, baby is 5 months so not newborn

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hhhhhm · 28/05/2022 11:09

MarmaladeLime · 27/05/2022 17:32

Your baby is going to grow up to resent the DSC at this rate

I was thinking this, poor baby if it's bath night goes without a bath if he has DSD as all the attention has to be on DSD, I end up taking the baby in the shower with me.. I would bath earlier but I've got to be cleaning bottles, sterilising, sorting meals etc with a baby in my hand!

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hhhhhm · 28/05/2022 11:11

MarmaladeLime · 27/05/2022 17:31

Ask what his plan is if you left him? Have his kids alternately?!

We've not even spoke about this, probably quite foolish. He says he doesn't want to be a 'part time dad' to our baby... HE IS DOING THAT RIGHT NOW!! I feel honoured if he changes a nappy or does a feed and I feel like I owe him a favour..

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hhhhhm · 28/05/2022 11:12

Tigertealeaves · 27/05/2022 16:34

So he gets time for himself when DSD isn't there (half the time) but you never get any?? Is that correct OP?

How old is DSD - she might enjoy her and dad doing some baby care together or going out together for a walk and a chat with baby in the pram.

Side note - see if your local leisure centre has a creche. Not a solution to the DP problem but the creche at our council gym/pool absolutely saved my sanity in the first 6 months when i was home alone with baby all week, and was very cheap.

When DSD isn't here he works later as he finishes earlier when DSD is here so by the time he has finished work our baby is going to bed

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JacquelineCarlyle · 28/05/2022 11:15

It sounds like you'd be better off alone. You need to stop doing things for him and concentrate on you and your baby.

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LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 28/05/2022 11:18

id be taking up a hobby and leaving him with both. Even if that hobby was drinking tea at my friends house. Or even drinking tea alone at costa with a book for company.

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MaChienEstUnDick · 28/05/2022 11:19

OK, take DSD out of the equation for a moment - because actually, it does make sense for him to finish earlier on days DSD is at yours otherwise you'll end up doing all the care for both kids.

On the nights he works late, what happens? Does he come home and sit on his bum while you sort baby/do the dinner?

I would start there. The baby is your 'work' and you both deserve equal time 'off'. So when he comes home, he takes over bed time. If it's a wee bit late for that, he makes the dinner and does the bottles. In other words, whatever is left 'to do' when he walks through the door, you both do, together.

Same when DSD is there. Him and DSD can be cooking together. Or DSD can help with bathing the baby and doing wee jobs - he'll probably love that - with DP while you are doing the dinner. 50/50 all the way.

And if he's not prepared to do that, then point out he'll probably be less of a part time dad getting his younger child every second weekend.

But you have to talk to him, properly. You can't just sit there and fume.

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