So annoyed!

[hhhhhm]

I'm so so so annoyed, me and DH have had a baby together who I look after 90% of the time. We sleep separately and I do the night feeds.

We have DSD 2/3 nights a week in the week and weekends, when DSD gets back the baby completely goes out of DHs mind, I am left to do everything for the baby and he does NOTHING AT ALL! He just panders to DSD like our baby doesn't exist. I ask him to have the baby for a couple of hours and he says 'how am I meant to handle two children' all I wanted was a couple of hours to myself for a change ffs

I'm so fed up of him not stepping up for our baby, I keep thinking there's single dads and mums everywhere who can manage just fine FFS I'm so angry I feel it would be easier to just be on my own, Atleast I get a break when the baby goes to bed rather than having to pander about cooking for DH.

[billy1966]

You have had a baby with a waster that most likely didn't want another child.

He has zero interest and has made that clear.

You can shout and wail or you can accept your reality.

Start organising yourself to be a single mum, it will be easier in the long run.

[Tigertealeaves]

Oh bloody hell OP, tell him he needs to budget some time for the baby too. We've had this kind of nonsense - the minute DSC go, he crams in his work, social life, chores - expecting me to pick up the slack. It's not on. If he comes home early when DSD is there, then great! He can spend some time with them BOTH as well as 1:1 time with her. If she has screen time/any independent play time, that can happen while HE puts the baby to bed, since you do it the other 50% of the time when he's working late.

DSD is going to have to share his attention. He chose that when he had a 2nd kid. Whether with same mum or not; that's what you choose by having two. PP made a really good point about encouraging the siblings to bond as well. Ask him what kind of relationship he'd like them to have when they grow up!

[autienotnaughty]

What's he like when dss is not there? I can understand him wanting to make sure dss doesn't feel left out but I'd explain the importance of dss and baby bonding and leave them to it. He will learn to juggle 2.

[Boiledbeetle]

@hhhhhm

I just sometimes feel like I have my child and he has his and our child isnt his. It is so rare for him to buy our baby anything and he has made the child benefit go towards the food bill.

He's taking the piss! He always has been! We know and you know it.

But only you are living it. But you don't have to be.

Do something about it. Because he won't.

[Orcasmom]

I had some similar issues when my DS was born - I have 2 DSCs much older than him. DP was iften busy or coming home later when his older children weren't here. I also had to do baby bedtime every night because that was his special time to hang out with his children etc.

We now have 2 of our own and things are much better but it took some time. There's not one solution but many small changes have to happen. I really had to stop doing so much for everyone all the time and change my mindset so that I didn't consider him parenting our children as 'helping' me or doing me a favor. I was consistent about making it clear that we are both responsible for all the children and I am not the default cook, cleaner, caretaker, snuggler, book-reader, nurse when we're both in the house.

I will say that I don't think he will ever treat our DSs the same as the DSCs - he knows I'm also always there for our children, we are a team. He puts a lot more into his relationship with his older children - it's more effortful and often more difficult. Not such an easy, natural style as with our DSs. Don't forget your DH probably has all sorts of feelings about only having his older child part time.

It's tough having a baby in this situation. I really hope it gets better over time!

[newbiename]

@Onemoresleeptogonow

You smile and remind him he managed to conceive 2. The you go out. .

Perfect answer

[hhhhhm]

I just sometimes feel like I have my child and he has his and our child isnt his. It is so rare for him to buy our baby anything and he has made the child benefit go towards the food bill.

[hhhhhm]

@averythinline

You tell him he has 2 children so he needs to work it out..
Why is he not cooking...are you a servant?

Sorry didn't see this, he's not cooking because if I left it to him he would go to the shop and spend stupid amounts on food for him and DSD and we split the food bill and I cannot afford for him to be doing this, it would mean our baby would miss out. (I pay for most of the babies things)

[hhhhhm]

@myuterusistryingtokillme

He says he doesn't want to be a 'part time dad' to our baby... HE IS DOING THAT RIGHT NOW!!

Have you ever said that to him when he comes out with the part time dad line? I mean really bluntly told him that it would be little difference to your joint child because of his Disney dad behaviour now?

Hello, yes I have mentioned this and he says I'm being too hard on him and overanalysing. Before having our baby he always said he is an amazing dad and to be honest he is amazing with DSD, I just wish he would take interest in our baby. It's got to the point where the baby just cries when they're with him.


Not disclosing the babies gender cause it might make it clear who I am haha, probably won't but I get nervous.

[Jessica2011]

I just think most men don't think like women. It's always left to us. I know some men are different. It's so difficult when you have a baby.

[NewandNotImproved]

He sounds thick as shite. What were his plans to parent two kids, when he chose to impregnate you? Or did he not make any plan, and knew he’d be able to discard your kid on to you, and his ex raises his other kid for him the majority of the time.
I don’t understand the appeal of this bloke.

[myuterusistryingtokillme]

He says he doesn't want to be a 'part time dad' to our baby... HE IS DOING THAT RIGHT NOW!!

Have you ever said that to him when he comes out with the part time dad line? I mean really bluntly told him that it would be little difference to your joint child because of his Disney dad behaviour now?

[Mumoblue]

If he doesn’t think he can handle two children why on earth did he have two children?
He’s either talking out of his arse or he massively incompetent, either way it’s a problem.

[lemongreentea]

stop having sex with him and definately dont havr any more children with him.

he sounds useless ltb.

[MaChienEstUnDick]

OK, take DSD out of the equation for a moment - because actually, it does make sense for him to finish earlier on days DSD is at yours otherwise you'll end up doing all the care for both kids.

On the nights he works late, what happens? Does he come home and sit on his bum while you sort baby/do the dinner?

I would start there. The baby is your 'work' and you both deserve equal time 'off'. So when he comes home, he takes over bed time. If it's a wee bit late for that, he makes the dinner and does the bottles. In other words, whatever is left 'to do' when he walks through the door, you both do, together.

Same when DSD is there. Him and DSD can be cooking together. Or DSD can help with bathing the baby and doing wee jobs - he'll probably love that - with DP while you are doing the dinner. 50/50 all the way.

And if he's not prepared to do that, then point out he'll probably be less of a part time dad getting his younger child every second weekend.

But you have to talk to him, properly. You can't just sit there and fume.

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

id be taking up a hobby and leaving him with both. Even if that hobby was drinking tea at my friends house. Or even drinking tea alone at costa with a book for company.

[JacquelineCarlyle]

It sounds like you'd be better off alone. You need to stop doing things for him and concentrate on you and your baby.

[hhhhhm]

@Tigertealeaves

So he gets time for himself when DSD isn't there (half the time) but you never get any?? Is that correct OP?

How old is DSD - she might enjoy her and dad doing some baby care together or going out together for a walk and a chat with baby in the pram.

Side note - see if your local leisure centre has a creche. Not a solution to the DP problem but the creche at our council gym/pool absolutely saved my sanity in the first 6 months when i was home alone with baby all week, and was very cheap.

When DSD isn't here he works later as he finishes earlier when DSD is here so by the time he has finished work our baby is going to bed

[hhhhhm]

@MarmaladeLime

Ask what his plan is if you left him? Have his kids alternately?!

We've not even spoke about this, probably quite foolish. He says he doesn't want to be a 'part time dad' to our baby... HE IS DOING THAT RIGHT NOW!! I feel honoured if he changes a nappy or does a feed and I feel like I owe him a favour..

[hhhhhm]

@MarmaladeLime

Your baby is going to grow up to resent the DSC at this rate

I was thinking this, poor baby if it's bath night goes without a bath if he has DSD as all the attention has to be on DSD, I end up taking the baby in the shower with me.. I would bath earlier but I've got to be cleaning bottles, sterilising, sorting meals etc with a baby in my hand!

[hhhhhm]

@MeridianB

How old is DSD, OP?

Of course he’s being an arse. It sounds like you have DSD 50% of the time or more so it’s not as if he needs tons of protected time with her.

DSD is 5 nearing 6, baby is 5 months so not newborn

[Youseethethingis1]

DSD is no longer an only child and DH is no longer a father of one. The baby can't be sent back now he's realised it's a bit too much work so he's going to have to make some adjustments. That's all there is to it. Does he have any idea how pathetic he looks right now?

[Tigertealeaves]

It may not even be a DC / SDC thing. I found my DP was not really that interested in our child until she was properly walking, starting to talk, getting more interactive and bold. But he says he felt the same with both DSC and he's very good with DC now. Could it be that your DP finds the older child more fun for himself to play with, and can't be arsed with the graft of looking after a baby? Not a good look for him tbh.

[harryclr]

What a (insert rude word)

I hate seeing posts like this but your certainly not alone unfortunately. Its behaviour like this that lead to resentment and regret. Step children (partners first/others) being favourited and treated like royalty whilst poor other child is always second / third whatever in their Dads eyes.

We shouldn't have to be saying 'imagine how our child will feel etc) they should bloody love them equally... its so sad. Then people say 'well your child lives wirh both their parents, their lucky, blah blah blah' - it seems they are much worst off in some circumstances

[stepuporshutup]

Op does your dp look after you dc when dsc is not there