In a bad mood until DSC arrive

[GarlicGnocchi]

He can be in a right grump all day but then lo and behold the DSC turn up and he's all sunshine and rainbows and isn't life lovely. Getting sick of it. We have a shared DC and it's not fair on them.

I think it's understandable that he's pleased to see his children but he shouldn't be in grump the whole time they're not here. Have you raised this with him?

I have done previously and he's just like we'll someone has to be glad to see them and make them feel welcome. He thinks I should stop what I'm doing an immediately rush to the door to greet them I think. It just annoys me as as soon as they go he'll go back to moaning about having to do housework. When they are here he's all like oooh I'll cook dinner for us all.

I think greeting people at the door is nice.

But I also think he needs to be nice to his other family members.

I'm sending this the tip of a very large iceberg...

It sounds like there are a few things to unpick here. He shouldn't be treating you and your shared DC as second best and not making an effort with things like cooking dinner etc when it's just the three of you. I do agree with him, though, that you should drop everything and go to the door to greet them when they arrive. I can't imagine not doing that for anyone who came to my house after a few days away, tbh.

Maybe you've fallen into a bit of a stalemate, where he feels that you don't make enough effort with his children/family life when they are there, and you feel that he doesn't make enough effort with family life when they aren't.

I do agree with him, though, that you should drop everything and go to the door to greet them when they arrive. I can't imagine not doing that for anyone who came to my house after a few days away, tbh. really? But this is their home. I don't rush to the door to greet DH after work. I say hello when I next see them and have a chat it's not like I ignore them. Also their mum is usually there waving at them and I don't want her having anything to do with me or my DC.

Ime he is possibly anxious about their arrival.. Spell it out it him. Maybe suggest he changes his ways or he will also be juggling contact with your joint dc...

Why's he always grumpy when they're not there?
Presumably your marriage isn't happy?
Why's he moaning about having to do housework?

MIL visits every weekend ( totally fine she is great) BUT DH spends the whole morning pacing and down , freaking out tidying clock watching ..
i have cracked up a few times and told him to chill TF out
its nice he's excited to see his kids tho ? ( is it a Disney dad situ tho?)
and no its obviously not cool for him to subject you and joint DC to The Grump Version

Not the whole time. Just on and off. I guess he's just a grumpy person. Maybe he's missing them.

Just find it hard when he can be in a foul mood for a whole day and as soon as they are here a switch has flicked.

He is moaning about doing housework as he is lazy and I think fairly old fashioned even if he tries to be the modern man when they are here.

Ah the stepchild madness has started already. What do you mean you don't roll out the red carpet and get their thrones ready OP? 🙄

I don’t think the issue is him being happy when his children come, I think the issue is why is he grumpy the rest of the time?

I greet my own DD and DH at the door when they've not been here for a day or two. We often say goodbye at the door too.

People are different.

My OH can be like this. Not necessarily grumpy but he's happier when his two older children are here. They dislike coming though.
We have two DC of our own and when he's not working at the weekend he would rather sit and chill (in fairness he works about 60 hours a week so I can understand he needs to rest) but I take our DC out - same when his two older kids are here, I just make plans and take our two out. He expected me to stay at help entertain his older two for a while but I get bored at home so do my kids.
I'm at the stage now where I just go out and take our DC and leave him to it with his kids. If he cba to go out then I leave them at home, his kids are bored and moaning but he cba and I'm not doing his parenting for him!

I'm at the stage now where I just go out and take our DC and leave him to it with his kids. If he cba to go out then I leave them at home, his kids are bored and moaning but he cba and I'm not doing his parenting for him! ahh my kindred spirit yes I am the same. Except occasionally he decides when DSC are here next we must do something and plans an elaborate trip to the zoo etc involving picnics and a stop at mcdonalds drive through for a milkshake (don't care if thats outing hi DH haha). And then we must all be thankful. Yet he won't even bother coming to the park with DC.

I guess it depends on relationship with DSC. I have a good relationship with them I have just never seen them as my own children and they don't see me as a parent. We just have a nice respectful relationship. They are here to see DH not me so I guess I feel I would be intruding a bit to come bounding up to the door going yaaaay.

Very much like my OH!! I imagine they aren't alone in this either. 😂

I don’t greet anyone at the door unless they are visitors. It’s either DSC home or they’re visitors, people seem to expect the best of both. My family all let themselves in, including siblings etc that don’t live with me, most of my friends wander in. I guess that’s the dynamic in my house but if I’m in the middle of something I wouldn’t drop everything to greet a family member.

Its the principle - why the fanfare?!

Is this even about the DSC, is he grumpy with marriage/family life but just brightens up when the situation changes when older DC are there?

If so, is it the children that are the issue or general marriage/home life?

have you asked him if he’s happy in your marriage?

I don’t agree that everyone should drop everything, line up and greet the SC like it’s a royal visit. Or that anyone expects this for anyone who lives in a house.

it seems to me to be part of the cake and eating it attitude to SC. It’s their home but they must be treated like honoured visitors too.

It’s definitely not ok to be grumpy all the time with you and your DC. It’s actually worse if he’s doing it because he misses the SC; he’s punishing his other children for decisions he made before they were born. That’s incredibly unfair and damaging. they will be seeing that he is only happy when the SC are there and is only nice because of them.

Exactly. Only visitors get a door greeting. DH can let them in that's all that's needed.

It’s actually worse if he’s doing it because he misses the SC; he’s punishing his other children for decisions he made before they were born. exactly why its pissing me off tbh.

Take the step kids part out and he’s being a dick, a miserable partner and a shit dad to your shared DC. It’s bordering on abusive. And to then turn on the chain when they arrive shows he’s making a choice to be a grumpy bastard to you because he doesn't think you and the DC deserve any better.

I wouldn’t be putting up with that.

I’m a step mum. When I’m on the sofa and my DSC arrive I get up and give them a hug. If I’m in the garden they come and find me to say hello. They’re part of the family, not celebrities stopping by.

I know right. It's not like I have a grump on. I just carry on with my life and when I next see them, usually within about 15 mins I say ooh hi x & y how are you? Did you have a nice time doing xyz or whatever it was. I'm not a heartless cow.

How would he like it if you were openly grumpy every time the SC were there, but cheered up as soon as they left? Or would he say you were being unfair and even abusive to the SC?

Its exactly the same thing.

If he’s struggling with accepting the realities of his life, he should get some therapy. Not take it out on you and his resident child.

If he’s struggling with accepting the realities of his life, he should get some therapy not a bad idea. Maybe having DC has made him realise what he missed out on with DSC or something.