Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Holidays - Why am I feeling bad?

65 replies

Rosebella215 · 13/05/2022 12:14

Not sure what to do & why I’m feeling a tad guilty. Just for background, partner & I met in 2018 (DSD was 5 at the time). We live together.
Last year we took DSD away on holiday for a week. Was a rather nice holiday in a villa & cost a fair amount. Lovely time had by all. Partner & I also had a holiday booked last year for just us two, but because of Covid at the time we didn’t go & pushed back to this year.
We also booked a city break for just us 2 this year (before we knew last years was moved to this year). We’ve already been & it was lovely. We currently don’t have a holiday booked to take his DSD away this year as our original idea was to go somewhere with her every 2 years as the villa holidays are more pricey. We can’t afford a last minute holiday with her over school holidays as everywhere we’ve looked is £2k even for 4 nights, and we have also just bought a house so saving pending our move next month! (Very hectic currently).
DSD is currently asking about a holiday as she loved the pool in the villa, and I’m feeling bad as I know partner & I are going away (outside of school hols of course & not impacting on our time with her). I’m not saying her mother needs to but she hasn’t been taken away by her for past 3 years & isnt again this year. Fine ok, but we were kind of hoping that might have been the case as we went away last year.
To make it seem worse, my mum is paying to take my partner & I to vegas end of the year, all expenses paid for my belated 30th. As I said it just all appears to have fallen on the same year. We have 3 holidays (albeit we haven’t paid for them all this year) and DSD has none. I’ve been looking to see if we can transfer our summer holiday in June to Aug to take DSD with us but extra fees are about £800 give or take.
I have no idea what I’m asking really, I know it will look terrible on his exes side as she already seems to hate our guts! Am I being paranoid or should I feel bad? I can take it if I am…

OP posts:
SnowWhitesSM · 13/05/2022 12:18

Could you book centre parks for over christmas so you've got loads of time to pay it off? Or tell dsd that you can't afford it this year with the house but next year - and do a bit of planning. Make it fun and something to look forward to so if she feels a bit rubbish at you going away you can say yes and I especially can't wait till we go to ...

autienotnaughty · 13/05/2022 13:36

Book a haven or centre parks and have a mini break.

KangarooKenny · 13/05/2022 13:38

My parents were divorced. My mum never took me away, my dad took his new family away most years.
it is what it is.

MeridianB · 13/05/2022 13:47

I think you’re overthinking it, OP.

She doesn’t need to know about your trips or when they were paid for. Just explain that buying the new house has ruled out a family holiday this year but you hope to have one next year.

ILikeCrapTelly · 13/05/2022 13:53

It's a funny situation with step-children, as seen time and time again on here.

I have a DSD and now-DH and I have had one holiday without her, in the earlier stages of our relationship. After that we both agreed (at my instigation, not his) that we wouldn't holiday again without her, and any other children we may have together. We do the odd night away for our anniversary and stuff, but no big holidays.

We now have 2 DC together and that's always stuck. DH and I will have one night away together later this year, with no DC, but when we go abroad all the children will be with us.

I'm of the mindset that bigger abroad holidays should include children, because to me that's just what you do when you have a family 🤷🏼‍♀️ and it's a shame for children to miss out on those travelling experiences, especially if your DSD isn't going away with her DM. I know lots of people insist that adults should be able to go away together and not miss out on adult-only time, but I accepted I'd miss out on adult-only time when I had children and that's just the end of it. My DP's never went away without us children so that may impact my views also.

There'll be many others who come on disagreeing with me though!

ILikeCrapTelly · 13/05/2022 13:54

My post did have paragraphs when I wrote it 🙄 stupid new site!

lunar1 · 13/05/2022 13:55

It is pretty rubbish that dsd won't get a holiday at all and her dad is going on three. There has to be a middle ground between nothing and a £2000 villa, is he going to try and sort something out?

Greensleeves · 13/05/2022 13:57

You're taking couples' breaks while she's not with you - that's completely reasonable and nothing to feel guilty about. People do raise an eyebrow when it's the second family children constantly being taken on holiday without the DSC, but that's completely different.

Of course DSD would like an expensive villa holiday every year, who wouldn't? It's not affordable though. It will do her no harm to be told that.

Chilledchablis1 · 13/05/2022 13:58

Why doesn’t her DM take her away ?

KangarooKenny · 13/05/2022 14:09

Perhaps her mum can’t afford to.

AntarcticTern · 13/05/2022 14:16

I don't think you're doing anything wrong OP, lots of children don't get to go on holiday every year.

Why not start planning next year's holiday? It's not too early to think about it, you could get DSD involved with looking at destinations, accommodation etc.

Rotherweird · 13/05/2022 14:19

Could you go on a city break for a few nights and stay in a Premier Inn - that could be really fun. Or do Harry Potter Studios or similar?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2022 14:24

Is DP feeling guilty or just you?

How about a weekend away in this country, leave after school Friday back Sunday evening. That’ll feel like a holiday to a young child. Some of our best memories are from weekends away by the seaside, chips on the beach in all kinds of weather, crazy golf and carpet picnics in cheap b&bs. The kids absolutely loved it. We’ve never had the money for villas with pools but their favourite stories are of ploughman’s lunches, the burnt toast in the b&b, last minute trips to fun places and prizes from slot machines.

Mariposista · 13/05/2022 14:25

You can't really help everything that is booked and paid for being rearranged close together post-covid. Just don't book anything else and make sure the next holiday you save up for and go on includes her. Enjoy!

Louise0701 · 13/05/2022 14:27

Book haven for a long weekend at the very least.

Minimalme · 13/05/2022 16:32

There are lovely campsites with swimming pools - why not go camping for a week?

Kids grow up so fast that every Summer with no holiday is an opportunity missed to enjoy some really lovely time with your dsd.

aSofaNearYou · 13/05/2022 16:39

I think you're overthinking it too OP, you're aware of the circumstances, you know this hasn't been done to exclude her, and you don't even really need to tell her about them. It's fine.

But there's no reason you couldn't take her camping or to Butlin's or something. I went on a variety of holidays as a child, some were pricier than others and I enjoyed them all including the cheap one's! Not sure about all the suggestions to go to Centre Parcs - that's as expensive as a holiday abroad in the holidays Grin

Duchess379 · 13/05/2022 16:57

I was never taken on holiday. I had my first proper holiday aged 23 when I booked & paid to go to Mexico 🤷🏼‍♀️
Why can't mum take her away? CentreParcs or something similar?

Blendiful · 13/05/2022 16:58

I don't think you should feel bad. We have tried to do it so we alternate years with their other parents too. However ex has booked a holiday this year when we already had one booked when next year should be his year. No idea why but it is what it is. Now means my DC will have 2 holidays close together and probably none next year.

I think taking kids on holiday is very expensive and especially if you have to go school holidays so I think every other year is fine. Some kids never get to go away at all and so they are lucky if they do. You also are entitled to time away alone, and our of school holiday time.

It's just the way it's fell this year but I still don't think you should feel bad about it. If ex is so bothered, she can take her, if she can't afford to she can't berate you guys for being able to afford to do it but only every other year as that's more than she's doing!

Bobbybobbins · 13/05/2022 17:00

Yanbu but could you maybe take her for a weekend to Center Parcs or something?

Cascais · 13/05/2022 17:02

A week of day trips?

quietnightmare · 13/05/2022 17:19

Greensleeves · 13/05/2022 13:57

You're taking couples' breaks while she's not with you - that's completely reasonable and nothing to feel guilty about. People do raise an eyebrow when it's the second family children constantly being taken on holiday without the DSC, but that's completely different.

Of course DSD would like an expensive villa holiday every year, who wouldn't? It's not affordable though. It will do her no harm to be told that.

What a sensible answer. Course she wants a villa holiday and of course you don't need to book centerparks or anything because your having adult holidays.

LubaLuca · 13/05/2022 17:32

Your husband must be feeling pretty bad as well. I'd fork out the extra £800 to take her with you on the summer holiday.

GarlicGnocchi · 13/05/2022 18:19

Absolutely fine. Not everyone gets a holiday every year. It's nice that she enjoyed the villa with you all.

GarlicGnocchi · 13/05/2022 18:21

Louise0701 · 13/05/2022 14:27

Book haven for a long weekend at the very least.

Why? Mum hasn't booked anything. She won't suffer if she doesn't have a holiday. Just explain you are saving to take her to the villa next year.