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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holidays - Why am I feeling bad?

65 replies

Rosebella215 · 13/05/2022 12:14

Not sure what to do & why I’m feeling a tad guilty. Just for background, partner & I met in 2018 (DSD was 5 at the time). We live together.
Last year we took DSD away on holiday for a week. Was a rather nice holiday in a villa & cost a fair amount. Lovely time had by all. Partner & I also had a holiday booked last year for just us two, but because of Covid at the time we didn’t go & pushed back to this year.
We also booked a city break for just us 2 this year (before we knew last years was moved to this year). We’ve already been & it was lovely. We currently don’t have a holiday booked to take his DSD away this year as our original idea was to go somewhere with her every 2 years as the villa holidays are more pricey. We can’t afford a last minute holiday with her over school holidays as everywhere we’ve looked is £2k even for 4 nights, and we have also just bought a house so saving pending our move next month! (Very hectic currently).
DSD is currently asking about a holiday as she loved the pool in the villa, and I’m feeling bad as I know partner & I are going away (outside of school hols of course & not impacting on our time with her). I’m not saying her mother needs to but she hasn’t been taken away by her for past 3 years & isnt again this year. Fine ok, but we were kind of hoping that might have been the case as we went away last year.
To make it seem worse, my mum is paying to take my partner & I to vegas end of the year, all expenses paid for my belated 30th. As I said it just all appears to have fallen on the same year. We have 3 holidays (albeit we haven’t paid for them all this year) and DSD has none. I’ve been looking to see if we can transfer our summer holiday in June to Aug to take DSD with us but extra fees are about £800 give or take.
I have no idea what I’m asking really, I know it will look terrible on his exes side as she already seems to hate our guts! Am I being paranoid or should I feel bad? I can take it if I am…

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosebella215 · 15/05/2022 14:42

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts, perspective & suggestions, I’ve read every post & can see where there all coming from.
I would just quickly like to jump in though & defend my partner as he isn’t prioritising his life with me over his DD at all. As I said our summer holiday we are having this year was actually paid for back in 2020, and the trip with my mum is paid for by her. I don’t see any reason why he should not come when it doesn’t impact on his DD’s contact time? He did book up a few nights away for me don’t get me wrong but this wasn’t a large expense.
As we are moving, if it wasn’t for the other 2 trips already paid for we wouldn’t be going away.
We are planning a large family villa trip next year which will be lovely and I can tell my DSD and get her involved with picking one out, that’s a nice idea. I think what we will do, as per suggestions is go away for a few nights in this country this summer hols, we are thinking Alton Towers as it was a water park which she will love. She can help decorate her new bedroom too this summer which she will love also.
Again, thanks for everyone’s comments! :)

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 15:42

However, do I think is it not inclusive if DF goes on 3 holidays without his DC and none including his DC. That has nothing to do with being precious about SDCs - that is a father prioritising his new life over his DC on not just once but 3 occasions.

It's only prioritising his new life over his DC if he's paying for the trips or missing contact to go on them, though, neither of which are the case. It's not one or the other in this case, the circumstances make that clear.

Xpel · 15/05/2022 19:44

Honestly don't get the big issue.

You say it's not affecting your time with her so it's outside of his normal contact time, therefore why does it matter? You're allowed a life when she's with her mother and it's not like you're taking any joint children along.

Id just go personally. Don't tell her if you think it will upset her, if you're not missing any of your normal time with her anyway, why would she need to know?

My parents went away without me all the time and they were together for a lot of those times so it's not even like I was staying with one of my other parents, I stayed with grandparents. It was what it was, I'm not mentally scarred into adulthood because they didn't book haven for a long weekend 'at the least' 🙄

Branleuse · 15/05/2022 19:46

Maybe take him somewhere in the october, easter or may holiday which is much cheaper

Xpel · 15/05/2022 19:49

I don't think you should have to feel guilty about anything you do outside of your normal contact time tbh.

If she's with her mum you can do what you like during that time, want to go on holiday? Fine, want to go skydiving? Go for it and so on.. your life is allowed to continue when she's not there. Just don't tell her.

BungleandGeorge · 15/05/2022 20:07

Center parcs is ridiculously expensive in school holidays, you might as well go abroad!
if she enjoyed the pool why don’t you just take her away to a hotel in this country which has a swimming pool for a couple of nights? Or to Alton towers hotel and go to the water park there? It’ll only be a couple of hundred pounds for all of you and I bet she’ll be really excited with it. I think kids have lower expectations than adults and at least she gets the excitement of going away.

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/05/2022 00:56

I actually do think the priorities come across as wrong if her dad is getting 3 holidays and hasnt included his child in any.

There's middle ground between an expensive villa or nothing.

Kanaloa · 17/05/2022 01:14

The child isn’t your daughter, so I don’t judge you for not providing her a holiday. I’d judge her father a bit to be honest - I couldn’t imagine going on three holidays in a year then telling my kids I couldn’t afford to take them on holiday. I prioritise them over everything. If we can’t afford a holiday, we can’t afford one - it isn’t a case of I can afford one but the kids can’t go.

Kanaloa · 17/05/2022 01:17

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2022 19:22

I'd pay the extra £800 and take her in the holidays.

How nice to have that sort of money to spare. Lucky you.

Well if I could afford three separate holidays I’d cancel one/work extra. Or I would include my child in my budget. We can’t afford to go, so I don’t have £800 to throw around - the answer to that isn’t me enjoying three holidays and telling my kids I can’t afford a holiday for them.

Moodycow78 · 17/05/2022 05:57

It's not your fault it's the way it's fallen but having said that there's no way I could go on 3 holidays in a year and let my kids or DSK have none, I'd find a way personally.

GarlicGnocchi · 17/05/2022 05:57

Kanaloa · 17/05/2022 01:17

Show quote history

They aren't paying for one of the holidays though. And I wouldnt be working extra to take someone elses kid on holiday. DSD will survive without a holiday most kids do.

Kanaloa · 17/05/2022 07:09

I wasn’t suggesting op work extra, I was suggesting her husband does. And yes, plenty of kids go without a holiday, but I don’t know many parents who go on three in a year while their child has none.

Allezvite · 17/05/2022 07:19

I don’t think you should feel guilty about the actual holidays, but how does this impact on DSD’s time with her Dad? Most people have 4-6 weeks annual leave. How much of that is he leaving free to spend time with her? Who looks after her in school holidays? If he’s not available to see her in her school holidays because he’s used most or even half of his leave on going away with you, that feels a bit mean. Of course his work situation might be different so he has plenty of days free to spend with her when she’s on school holidays.

I’ve had next to no big trips away with my DH - we both have DC from previous marriages and none together - because we both work and want to prioritise our DC with our annual leave and in his case he had to do his fair share of care over school holidays rather than leave it all to their DM.

shiningstar2 · 17/05/2022 09:16

I don't think the fact that one is paid for by your DM and one is carried over from last year should stop the dsd going on the third holiday if there is to be a third holiday. Lots of people have a holiday carried over because they missed out because of covid but that is still one holiday this year which was probably already paid for if it's carried over. Even if not it is great to have it this year. You and do are very lucky if your mother is paying for another so two child free holidays this year. I think your dp should have organised the third to include dsd. She is part of the family, not an optional extra because it is expensive. The fact her mother doesn't take her would make meore determined to include her. I wouldn't see that as a factor in leaving her out.

kimfox · 17/05/2022 10:53

I would take her somewhere - doesn't have to be a fancy villa & if strapped for cash maybe her dad could take her on a mini break 1 on 1 this year - (camping?) since you have plenty of things lined up & wont be missing out. You can't dictate what the mum does. I was jealous that my dad went on hols with his "new" family & I went nowhere - feels like falling through the cracks. Just give her a bit of a special time any way you can.

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