Holidays - Why am I feeling bad?

[Rosebella215]

Not sure what to do & why I’m feeling a tad guilty. Just for background, partner & I met in 2018 (DSD was 5 at the time). We live together.
Last year we took DSD away on holiday for a week. Was a rather nice holiday in a villa & cost a fair amount. Lovely time had by all. Partner & I also had a holiday booked last year for just us two, but because of Covid at the time we didn’t go & pushed back to this year.
We also booked a city break for just us 2 this year (before we knew last years was moved to this year). We’ve already been & it was lovely. We currently don’t have a holiday booked to take his DSD away this year as our original idea was to go somewhere with her every 2 years as the villa holidays are more pricey. We can’t afford a last minute holiday with her over school holidays as everywhere we’ve looked is £2k even for 4 nights, and we have also just bought a house so saving pending our move next month! (Very hectic currently).
DSD is currently asking about a holiday as she loved the pool in the villa, and I’m feeling bad as I know partner & I are going away (outside of school hols of course & not impacting on our time with her). I’m not saying her mother needs to but she hasn’t been taken away by her for past 3 years & isnt again this year. Fine ok, but we were kind of hoping that might have been the case as we went away last year.
To make it seem worse, my mum is paying to take my partner & I to vegas end of the year, all expenses paid for my belated 30th. As I said it just all appears to have fallen on the same year. We have 3 holidays (albeit we haven’t paid for them all this year) and DSD has none. I’ve been looking to see if we can transfer our summer holiday in June to Aug to take DSD with us but extra fees are about £800 give or take.
I have no idea what I’m asking really, I know it will look terrible on his exes side as she already seems to hate our guts! Am I being paranoid or should I feel bad? I can take it if I am…

I'd do a city or beach break at a Premier Inn or a long weekend at a Haven/Parkdean/similar site if you can afford it.

Going against the grain here but I think you are showing your priorities. I'd pay the extra £800 and take her in the holidays.

You have money for first city break plus Vegas and second city break spending money. But not for her to go?

It's more for her dad to stick up for her really. I can understand you're not going to see school holiday holidays as a necessary evil.

Alternatively you could go on a euro camp type holiday. They are reasonable.

I'd pay the extra £800 and take her in the holidays.

How nice to have that sort of money to spare. Lucky you.

Bonkers what does will say because they feel bad for kids in blended families.

Would you feel bad if this was your DC ? If not then crack on and leave the guilt. Treat them as if their your own remember and all that jazz

I can see it from both sides. My eldest dd is 17 this year and she’s just been invited on her first ever holiday with her dad and his family. They’ve been all sorts of places before without her. They have 4 children together so I’ve always explained to her that it must just be too expensive to take an extra child, or they can’t fit her in the car etc. She’s been disappointed, but accepting, as children are. She’s over the moon to be invited this year! (I just hope it actually happens…!)

On the flip side, my DP and I have had breaks away just us two, too. We’ve also had joint breaks with all of our collective children too.

This year DP and I are going on a special trip to a far-flung place for a special event, and we are only taking the children on a Sun Holiday and a break away in a Premier Inn. It is what it is! We would love to do a villa holiday with all of us next year, but it depends on finances. We don’t always have a big (or any) holiday each year and children have to understand that too!

It’s wonderful that you care about her feelings, but don’t let it stop you enjoying your trips 😊

I think it's kind of you to be thinking about it from her pov.

If you can at all it would be nice to take her away on a camping trip/log cabin or similar.

Always better to go the extra mile if you can in these situations.

I can understand why you are feeling bad op. You are having several breaks with her day and saving to spend on your new house together yet there isn't money for dsd to have some holiday time with her dad. You can't take a ten year old child away without paying extra op. You say £800 extra in school holiday. What would you consider a reasonable extra amount to take a child with you? Maybe £500? If so the holiday is a bit expensive, maybe an extra £300 to what might be reasonable to take a child away. It is not £800 extra unless you are not prepared to spend anything extra in order to include your dsd. I would be choosing something cheaper which could include your dh's child. It isn't great for a child to be considered an optional extra expense for the luxuries of life like holiday's rather that an important non negotional person [child] who has to be factored in. Doesn't mean you can't have the odd weekend break yourselves but surely, for the future at least, holiday prices should be considered with a view to ensuring your dsd can be included.

Premier inn weekend by the sea.

Only on this forum would there be the suggestion that the DM should take her on holiday to compensate for the Ex DH going on three holidays and not taking his DC with him.

the issue is this family - OP, DP and DSD have chosen to have 3 adult holidays and not take the DSD/DC away on any of them. Their choice but the fact that OP is posting suggests she does not feel this is right.

As to the suggestion not to tell her - if this affects contact with the DF it is going to be hard to explain it away. What other families do, never had etc are irrelevant this family has chosen to exclude the DSD/DC for what ever reason and from the outside looking in - it is a little crap.

For those saying book Center Parcs, it looks like the OP can’t afford £800 to include DSD on the holiday they had already planned, so CP in school holidays will be out of the question

No actually they haven't chosen to exclude DSC they aren't paying for the one of holidays and another is rebooked.

This isnt the exclude the DSC narrative that's wheeled out and for you to say that... it's a bit of a stretch tbh even for this board 🙄

Op has already said DM hasn't taken the child away ever and it's left solely to them (which btw is rubbish for the DC as they have two parents and holidays aren't solely up the father right ?) A lot of the commentators are saying that Op shouldn't feel bad because DM for whatever reason can't take away the child.

If DM can't take away DSC for unknown reason and that acceptable to you. Why is DF can't take them away on these trips for x reason acceptable. Or is it one rule for one one for another

I say this as a SC btw

Have not said the OP should feel bad - but she does which suggests the situation does not sit right with her.

The double standard on this forum never ceases to amaze me. Usually it is we can not afford to take SC away and anyway they get a holiday with their Mum - so we dont need to take them and every one says too right absolutely fine.

Now the DM is being criticised for not taking her DCS away ( maybe she can not afford it- most likely reason) but this is also wrong because it is her responsibility to take the DCS on holiday even if she does not have enough money and not relay on their DF taking his DCS away on his time for a holiday with his family.

DMs/EXs on this forum are damned if they do and damned if they don't

As I said this fmaily hs decide to not tke the DSD/DC away on holiday this year - which is fine. They have to explain it to the DSD or just ignore the fact and pretend she will not notice that there has been no contact. Their choice but no part of this lies with the DM.

Our house is all or nothing 2 mine and 2Scs just make sit simpler.

Now we have DC we always take DSD away on holiday with us but when it was just us two I didn’t feel guilty (or at least decided I refused to) . Holidays with DC are lovely but they’re not a break in the same way and it wasn’t me who had chosen to have DC and there were places I wanted to go before having DC. We didn’t flaunt that we were going on holiday so generally DSD didn’t really know.

Now the DM is being criticised for not taking her DCS away ( maybe she can not afford it- most likely reason) but this is also wrong because it is her responsibility to take the DCS on holiday even if she does not have enough money. who is criticising mum? Holidays are a luxury so neither part of DSC's family has to take her on holiday. I would take the fact she wants to go again as a good sign that she loved her holiday with you OP and just explain you can't this year but are planning to go again next year. It doesn't have to be an overwrought handwringing thing.

Not one person has criticised DM. All I said if DM can't take the child on holiday (for whatever reason) the same applies to DF (for whatever reason) and other posters have said the same.

Sometimes kids don't go on holiday with the adults. This isn't a blended family issue.

Ex's can be slated on here, as can SMs and fathers, but this post is neither and to say it is comes across a bit bonkers tbh.

I would start from the basis that we would be taking her on holiday and do my very best to sort out something

Op has already said DM hasn't taken the child away ever and it's left solely to them (which btw is rubbish for the DC as they have two parents and holidays aren't solely up the father right ?) A lot of the commentators are saying that Op shouldn't feel bad because DM for whatever reason can't take away the child.
Calm down. He has taken her away once. Hardly a regular occurrence. And op also said the mother hasn't taken her away fro the past three years, not never.

my question would be what is your partner’s attitude towards this? Has he raised it as a concern? Has he looked at how to change the summer holiday to school holidays? You didnt mention it, but did he take her on holidays regularly before you met? Or is this all you?

You did candles amongst others!

If ex is so bothered, she can take her, if she can't afford to she can't berate you guys for being able to afford to do it but only every other year as that's more than she's doing!
Why? Mum hasn't booked anything. She won't suffer if she doesn't have a holiday.

Your comment:
Op has already said DM hasn't taken the child away ever and it's left solely to them (which btw is rubbish for the DC as they have two parents and holidays aren't solely up the father right ?)

This is about OPS family no one elses and what the DM does is irrelevant. 1 holiday might be understandable but 3 in one year probably pushes the boundaries of inclusivity!

@Finallylostit I think you read what you wanna read tbh. I remember you from a previous thread - I'm not going to argue with someone who flat out has a really weird narrative going on.

Go away and enjoy yourselves. People are so precious over children, esp step ones and its ridiculous. Once you have your own children it will be harder to get these breaks together so do it whilst you can!

I am resentful that it gets frowned upon that I'd like to take just my small children away during a time when its cheaper and less busy (not school holidays) I have 5yrs until I have to worry about term time only things yet am made to feel shit about it because I am with someone who has a child from a previous relationship...more and more sacrifices we have to make...

Surely she doesn't need an abroad package holiday and you could take her camping or go to a seaside resort or similar for a few days?

We tend to do a longer holiday and a couple of overnights if there's soemthing we want to do. Doesn't have to be expensive.

Why? Mum hasn't booked anything. She won't suffer if she doesn't have a holiday. this wasn't a criticism of mum. I meant "why does dad need to book a holiday? Mum hasn't and no one is criticising her"

I think I'd either pay the £800 to include her in the holiday, or book a UK caravan by the sea/pool complex (which could be as or more expensive!).

She's not had a holiday since 2018 and her dad is having 3 this year. I get that it wasn't planned that way but it wouldn't sit right with me.

How very kind of you to think of her like this. Don't tell her you guys are going away...she wouldn't see you in that time anyway, so doesn't need to know.

It would be nice if you could even do a long weekend/or 4 nights away in a nice place in the UK....Maybe a nice hotel with a pool if you can't find a house wuth a pool...I know houses with pools aren't really common in the UK.

Look on Airbnb or booking.com ...you might find something nice

Once again, you're very thoughtful.

candles - thank you for the insult -slightly unnecessary.
I actually think it is nice to be concerned for her DSD and it obviously sits badly with her otherwise she would not be here asking the question.

However, do I think is it not inclusive if DF goes on 3 holidays without his DC and none including his DC. That has nothing to do with being precious about SDCs - that is a father prioritising his new life over his DC on not just once but 3 occasions. ( please note I am not criticising the OP- the DC is the responsibility of her DP)
Like people have said long weekend to an English beach is as much fun if done properly it does not have to be abroad.

No weird narrativee : Mum to 2 DCs and SM to 2 older DCs and veteran of evil SM dealings and now lovely SM dealings - so now understand how bad it can be and how good it can be - just do not understand some of the issues and perceived slights that come up on this board. but do appreciate seeing SMs who are clearly doing their best and are thoughtful ( as in the OP)