Please tell me it stops

[CoopeyMum]

After a long and drawn out court process in order for myself and my DP to get access to his children for 3 nights a week, I thought that all of the silly situations and debarcles would stop. How wrong I was.

It's been a matter of weeks since the order was granted & things are going well. Not too much change from the pattern of contact we had, but since the final order has been received we've been getting situations we've not encountered before.

One of the new ones from when the children were returned to mum is the fact that mum is now withholding school uniform, and has done for a week now.

The school uniform myself and my DP purchased in order to stop/reduce friction with the relationship. So tomorrow for school my DSS has got to go to school in trousers, shirt without school tie, jumper and school shoes. I feel so sorry for him.

The only thing that DP has had from mum when he's contacted her is "silly only having one set". There's been no reason I can see so far to have more than 1 tie, jumper and set of shoes because they're only with us part time.

Please tell me that these daft situations simmer down and if they don't, what can we do about it?

This can't be each and every time we have contact now surely.

And when mum keeps that set too?

And if mum keeps the second too... what then? Buy a third? Then a 4th? When would it be acceptable to stop?

Is he primary or secondary OP?

@Aquamarine1029 did you miss the bit where Op says both she and her DP bought the uniform? So it probably didn't cross their mind that the mother would withhold it.

Having said that OP, I do agree just buy another set if you can afford it and then for future purchases don't buy/go halves with the the mum for anything else. You have the DC nearly half the time so your expenses will be similar to hers - she can use her CMS.

You don't send him back to his mother's with the uniform on. They keep it at their home. 🙄

@Aquamarine1029 did you miss the bit where Op says both she and her DP bought the uniform? So it probably didn't cross their mind that the mother would withhold it.

I didn't miss it at all. It's irrelevant. The child needs a second uniform to keep at theirs. They should punish the child because the mother is being a twat.

*shouldn't punish

@Aquamarine1029 they send the kid to school in uniform on a Monday morning (because they have to) . Mum picks up from school Monday afternoon. They don't see the kid until Saturday when he wears street clothes. Bye bye another set of uniforms.

No idea if that's OP's actual set up ,but it's pretty common for a lot of families. How exactly do you stop mum for keeping all uniforms you might buy?

If this happens regularly, highlight it to the school that it’s due to his mother withholding it and ask for their suggestions.

How old is your DSS?

Is it possibly to rejig contact days so you always pick up and drop off at school? If so, I suggest re-doing the court order ASAP since their mother is making it very difficult and awkward/embarrassing for the children by withholding uniform maliciously and deliberately.

Exactly! We'd be perpetually buying jumpers shoes and ties every week FGS, @Aquamarine1029 where would my pig headedness go then eh?

Some people on this forum are just pathetic. I'm here at the end of my tether about this totally stupid situation & where is the support for me when all I have done is ask for it?

@CoopeyMum inform the school that mum is causing this so he doesn't get in trouble for it. What I'd do if you have the funds, can he keep some bits at school,that he leaves at school?

If the issue is caused by the timings of the contact order , I.E. you don't pick him up after school ever so can't actually get his uniform in your house, can you go back to court to change the days?

@Idon'twanna, primary school.

Thank you very much for everyone else for seeing sense. I've purposely come to the step parents section for a bit of morale support & to be slapped by that initial response has damned me even more than the mothers antics.

Ah that makes it slightly easier as they don't tend to be as strict as secondaries. Just send him however if he won't get in trouble, or have a little bag like a pe kit that he keeps at school with spare tie and jumper for emergencies that he must leave at school at the end of the day. He brings it back home every half term if needed or you OH collects it from school.

Sorry I didn't have any practical advice, I read the first stupid comment and needed to respond, don't let that poster get you down, clearly they are a bit hard of thinking.

Anyway, can you get it in writing to ex, just so you have proof, and yes mention it to school.
How old are the dc? Can they check their uniform is packed before they come to you? Surely mum can't refuse if the dc ask where their uniform is?

She will have the same issue the other end with you keeping her clothes every time and replacing them with school uniform!

We use a bag. They get changed when they arrive at the other parent's house and put the clothes they are wearing straight in the bag. It does involve some cooperation and have lost quite a few things, but this works for us.

If she keeps the uniform, surely you can keep her clothes and arrange for a swap for now til she sees it not working for her either.

I did end up buying clothes specifically just for going to ex.

Schools often have second hand super cheap uniform you can buy, so they would be good to get.

Shoes, we paid half each for school shoes

This! Poor kid.

Interim court order stipulated that we collected from school on the last day of contact & then dropped off after tea.

That's been stopped in lieu of an extra night on the final order. So now we drop of a morning and that's contact over, until a further 5 days later, when it's our turn again, so as someone else mentioned, not every day will be a school day.

Uniforms and the swapping of clothes has already been brought to the attention of the judge and mum was told to grow up. (she had been previously, banging on our front door 1st day of our contact, waiting around the corner, expecting us to strip the children naked as soon as they got in from school so she could take back her own set of uniforms, underwear included).

When it was this way around, we never sent any of our belongings back (if that makes sense). So it wasn't an issue. We obviously don't want to be so rude as to 'stalk' the kids home and demand our set of uniforms, we just expect mutual expectations for the sake of the children.

I think another reason why it was stopped is because she wouldn't agree door to door exchanges at the end of contact outside of school, despite rapping like a victorian rent man for her set of uniforms without a care in the world.

Judge thought best to maintain as many exchanges at the school playground as possible, and told her to be an adult about the exchange of clothes.

DSS is 6.
DSD is 8.

I will add that my DSD who is 8 has a full clean and pressed uniform which was sent back from Mum. It's just DSS whos is missing, other than basics which we have more than one set of (trousers and shirts).

I think that you are clearly missing the point.

Contact ends on the morning of A particular school day and mum collects on that afternoon. We're legally binded into a court order so how do you expect us to obtain the uniform after school when they go back to mum?

Not helpful in any way I know, but she's a fucking asshole who has no business having children. What a nasty witch.

I wish society treated parents who use their children as weapons with the same hatred as abusers. Both of my parents behaved like this so I may be a tad bitter! Schools generally give zero shits that it's not the child's fault and they still get punished.

I would buy one more set and see if that does resolve it - it is a bit odd to only have one set of uniform, I had two ties and lived with both my parents. Given she has sent the older child’s uniform back ready to go, it suggests some willingness to cooperate.

If it then happens again, I would speak to the school and see if you can agree that any bits can be left at school at the end of the day (for example the tie) as that could help in part?

hope you get it sorted, it must be very annoying!!

@lunar1 im sorry to hear that you have been on the receiving end of this style of abuse. Honestly it's awful & no one really cares because it's a civil matter.

I feel terrible but we simply can't afford the £20 it is for the specially printed jumper, tie and shoes, only for them to go whistling up the tree with the last set on Wednesday when they go back.

It also really makes my blood boil when DSD has a prestine uniform all sorted by mum (our property BTW) & DSS has, it appears, to have been purposely left out.

Can you tell the mom that if she doesn't return the uniform, you'll have to send both kids without as otherwise it wouldn't be fair ? Since she seems to care so much about DSD being pristine. Obviously it's just bluff but she won't know that.

Or can the order be amended so that you collect from school ? This way they'll always have their uniform on and there's time to wash it. Assuming you get contact over the weekend, you'd pick up on friday after school and she'd pick them up on monday after school ?

If you can't pick up from school, can you demand the uniform at the time of pick up/drop off ? If you ask her in front of the children she'd look really bad if she said no...

I had this with nursery clothes DS when I first split up from ExP. He and his very difficult mother kept everything I bought. They would deny deny deny having it.

I finally lost my shit when they returned “a couple of bits” they’d found in the size DS had just grown out of - 13 pairs of trousers and 26 pairs of underpants.

Replacing it doesn’t work with arseholes. You have my sympathy.

Is it the first time it has happened? It is possible or she started putting the u inform aside but never finished? It is easy missed when you’ve a couple of little ones demanding attention. I know it happened with me once - ex went nuts. But he did check the bag ever after to make sure everything was there. You could check the bag on handover?