Please tell me it stops

[CoopeyMum]

After a long and drawn out court process in order for myself and my DP to get access to his children for 3 nights a week, I thought that all of the silly situations and debarcles would stop. How wrong I was.

It's been a matter of weeks since the order was granted & things are going well. Not too much change from the pattern of contact we had, but since the final order has been received we've been getting situations we've not encountered before.

One of the new ones from when the children were returned to mum is the fact that mum is now withholding school uniform, and has done for a week now.

The school uniform myself and my DP purchased in order to stop/reduce friction with the relationship. So tomorrow for school my DSS has got to go to school in trousers, shirt without school tie, jumper and school shoes. I feel so sorry for him.

The only thing that DP has had from mum when he's contacted her is "silly only having one set". There's been no reason I can see so far to have more than 1 tie, jumper and set of shoes because they're only with us part time.

Please tell me that these daft situations simmer down and if they don't, what can we do about it?

This can't be each and every time we have contact now surely.

Why is the ex difficult? What axe is she grinding?

My friend had this, ended up buying countless uniforms. As your sc are at primary school might be worth having a quiet word with school and explain the situation, so when the dc do go to school without uniform, school are aware and don't say anything to the dc. Hopefully she'll stop this before secondary when the dc will be aware and embarrassed by the lack of uniform

Unfortunately the kids are sent to the front door of the house & there is no direct communication anymore, her request via the court (there's no special none molestation orders or anything like that, she just needs to feel in control) so all engagement is via a parenting app.

13 pairs of trousers and 26 pairs of underwear, sounds familiar, I also have your sympathy @WillYouDoTheFandango @CoopeyMum

@Will
@howtomoveforwards unfortunately this isn't the first time, it's just the first time in a long time it's happened as we had a good break during the interim order. I thought that we were passed this, obviously not.

I can only assume, now that we're the other side of the court proceedings, her actions are simply to annoy us, to make us look like we're crap parents (which is the angle she took at court) or for her own gratification.

I'm hoping that DP will be speaking to the school again this morning. School must be fed up with hearing it as much as us!

I keep thinking about this and wondering what the best solution for the children is, without you bankrupting yourselves on a fresh uniform every day of the year!

Have social services ever been involved? I'd be tempted to ring them and school and ask for a meeting show her for the evil woman she is. Maybe they can arrange for the children to change every day at school?

It's absolutely shit and you shouldn't have to, but I would also be documenting everything. I'd probably go and buy two sets of uniform, take pictures and keep the receipt as well.

Build yourself a case with evidence of her cruelty.

Thanks for your reply @lunar1 social services haven't been involved before, I'm wondering if school would trigger this if it became a patten of behaviour?

Ime ring the school on the morning of missing uniform. They will supply and reclaim at the end of that day..

In my experience there’s usually an escalation of unpleasant behaviour for a while after a court judgement.
In writing to the mother about the missing stuff it’s important for your partner to emphasise that the child’s uniform is missing. It’s not your uniform, nor is it hers, it’s the child’s. So really it’s the child who suffers here. Keep emphasising that.
In terms of de-escalation, choose your battles and take the heat out of situations where possible. She’s lost time with her children so she’ll be licking her wounds - it takes time to come to terms with that. But, at the same time, keep ensuring there’s a paper trail of all her crap.

@Totheweekend great advice, thank you. I'll get DP to try this tack next time.

Don't worry about documentation, I'll be heading into my third diary by the summer of all of the issues we've had.

I'm not saying that she won't have been frustrated on occasions, we are but only human & sometimes genuine mistakes happen, but I'm clear in my conscious that we've never been vendictive.

Keep communication with the school factual,simple and non accusing.

"Hi just calling to let you know X came to us without his shoes/tie/jumper so he'll be wearing his trainers/no tie/hoodie."

Same with mum, "oh ok, I'll have to ring the school so X doesn't get in trouble."

Same for anything that is not a massive issue, or you can let someone know for the sake of you SS.No arguing or back and forth. It'll take the wind out of her sails and also make her realise that her behaviour won't go unnoticed.

I absolutely hate that parents do this to their children because a marriage has broken down. Its such a shame when its not the childrens fault at all. Sorry no advise, but hope you get it sorted soon, it cant be easy

I wish I had a solution to offer, but great to see some of the constructive suggestions to mitigate, here.

Hopefully she will get bored. I’m sure you’re giving lots of reassurance to DSCs but maybe emphasise that they won’t get into any trouble if anything isn’t quite right with uniform.

Incredible to think a mother would do this to their own children, just to make herself feel better.

Oh, and don’t give a second thought to the poster who jumped in at the start with the vile comment. Ignore ignore ignore.

Thank you everyone, it is so incredibly difficult because we've exhausted so many different angles with this.

Willing to give anything a try though so it's helpful to have options.

Thanks for all of the moral support as well, it isn't easy, it's near impossible to communicate with mum which is such a shame. Unfortunately, the things that she does, because they don't directly cause an impact on the children it's classed as a civil matter and everyone is left to get on with it.

I had at least 7 sets of uniform to address this, 2 coats and back up shoes. DD would go to her Dads in her uniform as he picked her up from school. It was generally not returned unless DD remembered to bring it herself (unreliable when she was little of course!). Sometimes I'd get the skirt, but not the blouse or jumper or whatever random combination etc It wound me up when I had no uniform to send her but I soon learnt to bite my tongue and just stock piled uniform as I didn't want DD to be upset about it. It was bad enough for her when her school bag didn't come back and she'd be in tears as she didn't have her reading book, pencil case etc...

It was annoying and expensive (ex never purchased uniform) and it did feel like it was done just to make life difficult but hey ho what can you do.....?

Why does the ex have an axe to grind do you think ?

Does it matter why the ex has an axe to grind? The op and her husband could be absolute twats, she should still put her children's well being first and take it up with them separately.

Just like the op is trying to find a way through this without her step children suffering.

I think it gets slightly better when they reach highschool and are old enough to come and go as they please, but unfortunately that brings its own problem when there is a manipulative parent involved. I wish I had some better advice op, and please ignore the rude posters.

I really don't know. I can only assume that it's to make my DP look like a fool, not remembering that the real fool she's making is my poor DSS.

It was and still is a very bitter separation, which unfortunately isn't even concluded properly yet - they've been separated for 3 years.

How can I put it diplomatically; she wants to have her cake and to eat it?

I wasn't being rude (genuinely). I'm just the kind of person that tries to understand why people do what they do. I probably should spend less time doing this granted. Some people will never be understood.

Again, not meaning to be rude.

No offence taken @UserError012345 most people are genuinely curious about the exact reason behind the behaviour.