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Original poster

Weekend Away

74 replies

ChocBloc · 28/04/2022 17:16

Is it ok for me to take DH and shared DC away for a weekend away in the UK? Without the DSC. I was going to pay for the actual weekend away bit but would expect meals etc to come from our shared account.

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Just10moreminutesplease · 28/04/2022 20:42

It would be completely unreasonable for your DH to go away with your shared DC but not his other children unless he was also planning an equivalent trip with just them.

The fact that you would be paying doesn’t change that it would be unfair and could potentially lead to resentment between the siblings.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2022 20:58

Just10moreminutesplease · 28/04/2022 20:42

It would be completely unreasonable for your DH to go away with your shared DC but not his other children unless he was also planning an equivalent trip with just them.

The fact that you would be paying doesn’t change that it would be unfair and could potentially lead to resentment between the siblings.

Don’t be ridiculous. It’s her money, she can spend it as she wishes.

ilovemyboys3 · 28/04/2022 21:35

Just10moreminutesplease · 28/04/2022 20:42

It would be completely unreasonable for your DH to go away with your shared DC but not his other children unless he was also planning an equivalent trip with just them.

The fact that you would be paying doesn’t change that it would be unfair and could potentially lead to resentment between the siblings.

It's not unreasonable at all. I'm pretty sure the step children will be doing something with their mum this year

sparklesparkle123 · 28/04/2022 21:36

Just go, it's unfair for your DC to miss out and on you to miss building memories with your child. It's a sh1t situation when parents separate but life goes on. You and your child are valid and important too. It's sad DSC can't come this time but they'll be fine and will hopefully get a holiday with mum.

Some posters will make you feel bad for having a life with your partner and DC as the father should sit and cry until the DSC return and not do anything with the second l, lesser child. It's rubbish, where is the line? Ban subsequent families? Make dad attend all family outings and holidays with DSC's mum forever? Endure SM is kept in her place as additional support for DSC who she must treat as equal to her own but remember her place and back off?

Life is hard, make the most of your situation

Original poster
ChocBloc · 28/04/2022 22:09

Just10moreminutesplease · 28/04/2022 20:42

It would be completely unreasonable for your DH to go away with your shared DC but not his other children unless he was also planning an equivalent trip with just them.

The fact that you would be paying doesn’t change that it would be unfair and could potentially lead to resentment between the siblings.

It does though? If it's I'm taking them away? I mean their mum doesn't take my child away. Anyway DH is fine with it so we're all booked.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocBloc · 28/04/2022 22:16

lunar1 · 28/04/2022 20:22

If there is an age gap you can take your joint child on a weekend geared for them. Would your husband be able to afford a day/night away somewhere his older DC would love separately?

Being treated equally doesn't mean being treated the same.

No he can't. And the idea was for us as to spend a bit of time somewhere else. I don't want to go on holiday with just our shared DC. I don't think that's fair on DC to not have their dad around.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocBloc · 28/04/2022 22:18

Starseeking · 28/04/2022 20:37

It's absolutely fine for you to do, but whether or not your DH would see it the same way is another matter.

My EXDP couldn't even go to Tesco without bemoaning his Disney Dad guilt, and trained his DS, and then our DS to do the same. Very soon his DS was saying we shouldn't have gone to my niece's birthday without him (it didn't fall on his weekend), and our DS was saying we couldn't go to the park without DSS being there!

That's exactly what I was concerned about. Like sometimes DH is all "can we save the zoo for when the DSC are here" and that's fine to some extent but if it was everything exciting that would be annoying, more so if its me that's paying. Luckily he was fine. I did say I didn't know how he'd feel without them there and me not paying for them and he said it's fine it's just like an extended day trip not a massive family trip.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 29/04/2022 00:50

*It would be completely unreasonable for your DH to go away with your shared DC but not his other children unless he was also planning an equivalent trip with just them.

The fact that you would be paying doesn’t change that it would be unfair and could potentially lead to resentment between the siblings.*

It's not unreasonable at all! Children with divorced/separated parents need to be taught how family dynamics work.
In this case it needs to be explained to them that @ChocBloc is taking HER dc on a trip. She is paying and their dad is going because he's her oh & that their dad cannot afford to do holidays for ANY of his dc this year.
Op shouldn't have to fund holidays for his dc if neither or their parents can afford to. That's hard on the sdc yes, but that's life & hopefully he'll be able to treat all his dc next year.
If op couldn't afford to go away & if her oh couldn't afford to take them away would you expect the sdc's mum to take ops dc away too as they are half siblings?
I think not.
Honestly this the constant mollycoddling of sdc that's promoted on here is ridiculous & most blended issues stem from the adults refusing to discuss & explain the family dynamics to the dc.

PinkSyCo · 29/04/2022 01:34

Of course it’s ok!

Stellamar · 29/04/2022 01:45

I feel sorry for the step kids. If their dad can't afford to take all his DC then I don't think he should take any.

Original poster
ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 06:15

Stellamar · 29/04/2022 01:45

I feel sorry for the step kids. If their dad can't afford to take all his DC then I don't think he should take any.

He's not I am.

@Magda72 Yes I think you are right. The kids aren't stupid. I don't think this will matter to them as they won't even be aware but I'll remember this in future when it comes to anything that I might second guess.

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 29/04/2022 07:51

OP, just because you are married someone with kids it doesn't make you a prisoner. You are allowed to have life that doesn't involve SC every moment of time. Your husband also has a new partner-you and need to invest in this relationship . Why on earth he can't go on a weekend away without his kids? Is his ex wife also not allowed to go somewhere when DSC are with you?
People with no DSC in the picture sometimes go on weekend away and leave their kids behind with grandparents. Don't get into a trap of never being allowed to do anything unless DSC are involved too. They have their mum as well as their dad

Magda72 · 29/04/2022 08:19

In this case it needs to be explained to them that @ChocBloc is taking HER dc on a trip. She is paying and their dad is going because he's her oh & that their dad cannot afford to do holidays for ANY of his dc this year.
Yes @ChocBloc - I should have clarified that I meant explain this situation to sdc IF they are querying it. Also - the querying, if there is any, is often parroting what dm might be saying at home (I lived through this).
I do think as sdc get older it's very important to thrash out dynamics & expectations with them as they often have others (dm, gps, other family members) passing comment on them not being treated 'equally' - ie the adults projecting their own stuff on to the sdc - which the sdc (& often the nrp) can then start to believe.

FairyCakeWings · 29/04/2022 08:31

I don’t think Dad should get the pleasure of a weekend away with some of his children and not others.

Whatever the rights and wrongs are and what’s fair on you and what isn’t, there are going to be children left feeling like their Dad wants to go away with some of his children but not them, and that is going to hurt them. It’s irrelevant to them who is paying.

So while I understand that you have every right to pay for your own children and husband to go away without paying for other peoples children, it’s a selfish thing to do when you know it has the potential to be hurtful to your step children. They didn’t ask to be part of a blended family.

KangarooKenny · 29/04/2022 08:32

Of course it’s fine.

WouldBeGood · 29/04/2022 08:34

Of course it’s ok! Have no guilt and no need for just you to pay.

WouldBeGood · 29/04/2022 08:34

It’s not selfish 🙄

Totheweekend · 29/04/2022 08:44

Of course it’s fine. You don’t go into suspended animation when the stepchildren are at their mums even if that’s what the kids think! It sounds like money is tight and you are budgeting to the wire. Have a lovely break.

Stellamar · 29/04/2022 08:46

FairyCakeWings · 29/04/2022 08:31

I don’t think Dad should get the pleasure of a weekend away with some of his children and not others.

Whatever the rights and wrongs are and what’s fair on you and what isn’t, there are going to be children left feeling like their Dad wants to go away with some of his children but not them, and that is going to hurt them. It’s irrelevant to them who is paying.

So while I understand that you have every right to pay for your own children and husband to go away without paying for other peoples children, it’s a selfish thing to do when you know it has the potential to be hurtful to your step children. They didn’t ask to be part of a blended family.

Exactly this. The father shouldn't go, or he should wait and save up until he can take all his DC.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2022 09:23

FairyCakeWings · 29/04/2022 08:31

I don’t think Dad should get the pleasure of a weekend away with some of his children and not others.

Whatever the rights and wrongs are and what’s fair on you and what isn’t, there are going to be children left feeling like their Dad wants to go away with some of his children but not them, and that is going to hurt them. It’s irrelevant to them who is paying.

So while I understand that you have every right to pay for your own children and husband to go away without paying for other peoples children, it’s a selfish thing to do when you know it has the potential to be hurtful to your step children. They didn’t ask to be part of a blended family.

It's an assumption of people on here that the step children would be upset. My SC would be unlikely to know if we had gone away because he doesn't ask questions about what we get up to when he isn't there, and would be unlikely to be upset if he did because he is used to the idea that life goes on for both him and us when he's not there.

Magda72 · 29/04/2022 10:34

and would be unlikely to be upset if he did because he is used to the idea that life goes on for both him and us when he's not there.
And that's exactly how it should be. No one does children of divorced parents any good by telling them they are the center of ALL family units & that ALL family units have to grind to a halt when they're not there.

ilovemyboys3 · 29/04/2022 10:37

Life goes on outside of step children visiting. They are royalty and we don't have to wait and have no fun because it isn't their weekend of contact. Do you think it's fair that the shared children suffer because there is step children? Do you think step children have no life with their mum and grandparents? Do you think they sit at home and have no fun?
People who say it should be all or none are bonkers. Why should shares children suffer and step children get the royal red carpet?

CornishGem1975 · 29/04/2022 11:15

Yes, it's perfectly fine. We do it all the time - but only on the weekends when they wouldn't normally be with us, so they're not losing any time with their dad. (And before I get jumped on by someone somewhere, I also don't take my own DC so I am not just leaving the DSC out.)

SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 13:31

ilovemyboys3 · 29/04/2022 10:37

Life goes on outside of step children visiting. They are royalty and we don't have to wait and have no fun because it isn't their weekend of contact. Do you think it's fair that the shared children suffer because there is step children? Do you think step children have no life with their mum and grandparents? Do you think they sit at home and have no fun?
People who say it should be all or none are bonkers. Why should shares children suffer and step children get the royal red carpet?

I agree with this.

SC are there part time. If you want to go away when they’re with their mum, that’s fine.

Overthinking and handwringing about who pays for what is just unhelpful. No one needs to sit in suspended animation while the SC are not there. It’s ridiculous in any circumstance and even more so when there is a shared child who should not live a half life based around the visiting dignitaries who are their half siblings.

Euridicefortuna · 29/04/2022 13:58

Maybe you could suggest that he have a fun day with just the elder children eg bowling/cinema/fishing.That way no one is left out.