Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Weekend Away

74 replies

ChocBloc · 28/04/2022 17:16

Is it ok for me to take DH and shared DC away for a weekend away in the UK? Without the DSC. I was going to pay for the actual weekend away bit but would expect meals etc to come from our shared account.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 17:23

I do think as sdc get older it's very important to thrash out dynamics & expectations with them as they often have others (dm, gps, other family members) passing comment on them not being treated 'equally really good point yes. People do like to stick their oar in.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 17:23

FairyCakeWings · 29/04/2022 08:31

I don’t think Dad should get the pleasure of a weekend away with some of his children and not others.

Whatever the rights and wrongs are and what’s fair on you and what isn’t, there are going to be children left feeling like their Dad wants to go away with some of his children but not them, and that is going to hurt them. It’s irrelevant to them who is paying.

So while I understand that you have every right to pay for your own children and husband to go away without paying for other peoples children, it’s a selfish thing to do when you know it has the potential to be hurtful to your step children. They didn’t ask to be part of a blended family.

They won't even know..

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 17:25

Totheweekend · 29/04/2022 08:44

Of course it’s fine. You don’t go into suspended animation when the stepchildren are at their mums even if that’s what the kids think! It sounds like money is tight and you are budgeting to the wire. Have a lovely break.

Thank you, complicated set up but I'm in the fortunate position of having a fair bit of disposable income and he isn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 17:32

Euridicefortuna · 29/04/2022 13:58

Maybe you could suggest that he have a fun day with just the elder children eg bowling/cinema/fishing.That way no one is left out.

He can think of that by himself if he wants.

OP posts:
SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 17:37

Does he compensate your shared DC if he does something with just the SC? Thought not.

Why should the shared DC be limited to only having ‘family time’ if their half siblings are there? Why shouldn’t a father enjoy spending time with his wife and their child on a weekend away?

It feels like some people posting on MN really do think that NR fathers should live a kind of half life and never do anything if it doesn’t revolve around their children from a previous relationship.

ImAvingOops · 29/04/2022 17:58

I think it's fine.
These things are only a problem if you never do anything fun on the weekends the step children are with you and save all the nice trips for when they are with their mum. Obviously you don't do that and seem very thoughtful of their comfort, but of course you are allowed to do things with your own children and husband.

Original poster
ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 18:05

Yes the more I think it through the more I feel a bit silly I ever doubted it would be ok!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 29/04/2022 18:13

They won't even know..

do the children never talk to each other then?

dont get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with taking just the shared children but I'm not sure you can rely on the step children not finding out.

Original poster
ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 18:16

SoupDragon · 29/04/2022 18:13

They won't even know..

do the children never talk to each other then?

dont get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with taking just the shared children but I'm not sure you can rely on the step children not finding out.

Not any meaningful conversation due to age. But yes I get your point and something I'll take into account in future. If its like Disney land then yes I think it would need serious thought and we probably wouldn't go without them unless they'd been asked if they wanted to join.

OP posts:
Autienotnaughtie · 29/04/2022 18:33

My exh has 11 dc and step dc!! He could not afford to take them all so just takes the ones that live with him, with the reasoning that the others can go with their mums

Marty13 · 29/04/2022 18:41

Some people are unbelievable !

I am a single parent to two boys. If one is in school or otherwise occupied I don't feel guilty about taking the other to do something fun, nor do I feel I have to "make it up" to him somehow. They are two different people with different lives and opportunities. Another time it'll be the other way around and it'll be fine too.

It's the same with SC and DC. The SC will sometimes miss out on things their dad does with half siblings, and sometimes they'll get to do things that their half-siblings won't. There's nothing wrong with that and I think they are perfectly able to understand it, if they are raised by reasonable parents who lay out reasonable expectations.

Have a good time with your DC and DH, @ChocBloc

ILoveYou3000 · 29/04/2022 18:54

FairyCakeWings · 29/04/2022 08:31

I don’t think Dad should get the pleasure of a weekend away with some of his children and not others.

Whatever the rights and wrongs are and what’s fair on you and what isn’t, there are going to be children left feeling like their Dad wants to go away with some of his children but not them, and that is going to hurt them. It’s irrelevant to them who is paying.

So while I understand that you have every right to pay for your own children and husband to go away without paying for other peoples children, it’s a selfish thing to do when you know it has the potential to be hurtful to your step children. They didn’t ask to be part of a blended family.

Or they won't bat an eyelid because they'll be busy with activities/friends/their mum.

Original poster
ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 19:26

They didn’t ask to be part of a blended family also hate that phrase. It's not a blended family we are just their family. Where is the blending? What the beep does that even actually mean.

OP posts:
SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 19:49

ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 19:26

They didn’t ask to be part of a blended family also hate that phrase. It's not a blended family we are just their family. Where is the blending? What the beep does that even actually mean.

It’s just emotive nonsense. It’s all poor victim SC who didn’t ask to be part of a blended family.

kids don’t choose their family circumstances. You can pick fault in anyone’s set up on the basis that children didn’t choose to have siblings/no siblings/a father who works away for weeks at a time/a reduced family income because they have a SAHM/whatever you want to try to guilt an OP about.

it’s just that the won’t antobe think of the SC argument is extremely popular. And people love to jump in with more of it.

Original poster
ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 20:12

Yes there does seem to be some people in life generally who assume stepkids need pity. But presumably there's some sort of benefit to not having parents who can't stand each other still living together. Treating them as victims just makes any difficulties worse.

OP posts:
harryclr · 29/04/2022 22:51

I would absolutely love to go away just me, my partner and our 2 small children during a time that would be more pleasant and cheaper like not during school holidays... but its yet another luxury we have to sacrifice as step mums... pisses me off. My partner would never go for it so me and my children miss out.

Ellie5341 · 30/04/2022 09:10

Marty13 · 29/04/2022 18:41

Some people are unbelievable !

I am a single parent to two boys. If one is in school or otherwise occupied I don't feel guilty about taking the other to do something fun, nor do I feel I have to "make it up" to him somehow. They are two different people with different lives and opportunities. Another time it'll be the other way around and it'll be fine too.

It's the same with SC and DC. The SC will sometimes miss out on things their dad does with half siblings, and sometimes they'll get to do things that their half-siblings won't. There's nothing wrong with that and I think they are perfectly able to understand it, if they are raised by reasonable parents who lay out reasonable expectations.

Have a good time with your DC and DH, @ChocBloc

Agree with this.

SC will have opportunities DC don't have too.

A friends DS has the same spent on him at Christmas as DSD. When it's Christmas/ Boxing Day DSD brings toys from her mums (as excited with new toys) so ends up with twice the toys of DS.
Not kids fault it's Christmas!

However it means DS asks why he hasn't got extra presents from DSD's house and can't understand why Santa gives her more.
It works both ways.

FairyCakeWings · 30/04/2022 12:36

ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 20:12

Yes there does seem to be some people in life generally who assume stepkids need pity. But presumably there's some sort of benefit to not having parents who can't stand each other still living together. Treating them as victims just makes any difficulties worse.

They won’t always need pity, but they do deserve some understanding of the fact that they have been brought into a family situation that isn’t as straightforward and easy as it is for children who get to be brought up by two happy, together parents.

I think plenty of adults minimise the difficulty for step children to justify their own choices, because it’s uncomfortable for parents to acknowledge that their actions have made life harder for their children.

SoggyPaper · 30/04/2022 12:41

FairyCakeWings · 30/04/2022 12:36

They won’t always need pity, but they do deserve some understanding of the fact that they have been brought into a family situation that isn’t as straightforward and easy as it is for children who get to be brought up by two happy, together parents.

I think plenty of adults minimise the difficulty for step children to justify their own choices, because it’s uncomfortable for parents to acknowledge that their actions have made life harder for their children.

Show quote history

Many children are in a better position in a stepfamily than they were with single parents or when their parents were together.

But, hey, let’s imagine they’re all poor victims.

HelloViroids · 30/04/2022 12:41

I’m a stepmum and I find referring to us as a blended family is just easier - not for any kind of sympathy/ pity.
Do the DSC not do days out/trips etc with Mum’s family? My DSC certainly do, so I don’t feel bad about doing things without them (though wouldnt do a Disney style holiday or similar!)

tuliplover · 30/04/2022 15:10

Sure why not? As long as he does something with his other kids at some point.
My step kids were teens and they weren't particularly interested in coming along with a baby and toddler.

Original poster
ChocBloc · 30/04/2022 15:11

HelloViroids · 30/04/2022 12:41

I’m a stepmum and I find referring to us as a blended family is just easier - not for any kind of sympathy/ pity.
Do the DSC not do days out/trips etc with Mum’s family? My DSC certainly do, so I don’t feel bad about doing things without them (though wouldnt do a Disney style holiday or similar!)

Yes but it sounds like they save all their days out for when her partner is around

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 30/04/2022 15:19

It's fine. It's a weekend away in the UK, not a fortnight in the Seychelles. It's not their contact time. I can't see an issue with it.

liveforsummer · 01/05/2022 07:08

I guess if they never got anything with their mum it might be something I'd feel more guilty about but as they do then definitely no issue. I don't think it matters that her partner is present they are still getting to do things without their half siblings so it can work both ways

New posts on this thread. Refresh page