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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Think this is really cheeky of DH - Opinions?

70 replies

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 14:50

DH agreed to cover some days this half term (next week) that would usually be exes. I wasn't aware of this until last couple of days. Usually I wouldn't care at all and would just leave him to it but he's screwed up with work and now can't take one of the days off.

Our DC together are going to my parents for a few days next week and they are taking them out to a few fun places. Very fortunate my DPs agree to help out occasionally, they are retired but still manage to keep up with our toddler!

DH keeps suggesting "innocently" that my parents could take DSC along with them for this day. How he doesn't think they'd mind and asking me to ask them.

AIBU to say no way. We're fortunate my parents help out with our young DC as it is and I don't feel it's fair to expect them to add SC to that mix too on a day out. I also think they'd say yes because they are too nice and would feel unable to say no rather than actually wanting to. I don't want to put that pressure on them.

My step child knows my parents but they aren't close, they don't have the same relationship with them as our DC.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Beees · 14/04/2022 14:55

As a one off, for 1 day I really don't think it would be unreasonable to ask. The step child is presumably older and not as much of a handful as a toddler and could probably be quite useful in helping entertain their siblings.

Also if they don't have such a close relationship with your parents this sounds like a fabulous opportunity for them to develop more of a relationship together.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 14/04/2022 14:55

If there’s no other sensible option, make DH ask your parents himself. He can admit he screwed up and beg the favour.

Original poster

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 14:59

Thanks.

If it were for a short while I'd feel better but it's literally all day, I won't be picking our DC up until after tea time and will be dropping off early morning. My parents usually give tea and bath our DC and get in pyjamas ready to come home etc.. I just think it's a lot to ask of them. My step child has never even been in their house before and despite being older than our DC (still in primary though) they can be a handful.

OP posts:

Original poster

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 15:00

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus

If there’s no other sensible option, make DH ask your parents himself. He can admit he screwed up and beg the favour.

Thing is I'd just rather neither of us ask. I know my parents and I know they'd have offered if it's something they wanted to do (they know about this situation). If we ask they will say yes but because they won't feel able to say no.

OP posts:

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 14/04/2022 15:03

Ah ok, if they already know and haven’t offered that’s a bit different.
Can he go to a friend’s place for the day?

Beees · 14/04/2022 15:04

@PullTheOther1ne

Thanks.

The will probably be impeccably well behaved if they have never been there before although I find this quite surprising.

If there isn't a better solution I really think it would be quite nice for your step child to join in for one day. It sounds like your parents do this regularly with your children and it would be nice if they could share that experience with them. Maybe if you ask your parents they would actually really like the opportunity to spend some time with this child but haven't offered because they presume you won't want them to as they have never had the chance to do so before.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 14/04/2022 15:08

Tell him straight out what you posted above. No, you won't ask and it's not fair to. They don't know your stepchild well enough. Also would he be expecting them to pay the added cost?

Suggest to him he asks some of child's friends parents if he can have their kids on the day he is off work, in return for them having his child on the day he can't.

Funny how often these guys always light on the solution that puts them out least.

RandomMess · 14/04/2022 15:08

Hmmmm it's a very long to ask them to look after 3DC especially one they have never looked after before.

2DC is one each. I wouldn't want to ask tbh

AndAsIfByMagic · 14/04/2022 15:10

Of course you can't ask. DH is very rude t o even ask. If he can't do it then the DM will have to have DSC.

Not your or your parents' problem.

mathanxiety · 14/04/2022 15:12

It would be a huge imposition on your parents, and neither you nor your H should ask.

This is for your H and his ex wife to sort out between themselves.

It is not your problem or your parents' to fix.

candlesandpitchforks · 14/04/2022 15:12

Your gonna get a lot of subtle but if you don't ask your parents DSC will feel left out and realms of but famillyyy. But if the situation was reversed DM or her family wouldn't be expected to take your DC, so no.

Personally under the circumstances wouldn't ask my parents .Especially if you ask this time and then they worry that it will be a set/expected thing from now on (which btw is a real risk just see threads that posters have gotten themselves into becoming default childcare because oops become patterns) and then your parents offer to have your DC less as a result.

But I'm firmly of the opinion that you don't bite the hand that feeds you. It's up to DH to sort work out or find childcare in his extended circle. If you don't fancy the fight say you asked and they declined and tell your parents I said x to DH as I know you would have been to polite to say no.

QuirkyTurtle · 14/04/2022 15:13

This is such a tricky one. Sounds like an uncomfortable situation he's put you in so I agree if anything, he should be the one to ask.

What's the alternative though OP? Assuming his mother also can't take the time off?

mathanxiety · 14/04/2022 15:14

I suspect if you really pressed your H he would admit that he didn't mess up with his request for days off but was actually pretty sure he could palm off his DCs on your parents, and didn't ask for the days he needed.

kimfox · 14/04/2022 15:21

Nope. If you let this happen once it will be expected that your parents look after someone else's DC all the time as they might as well since they have their own GC. Your DP needs to grow up and realise his child is actually his responsibility. Don't save him, it will do him good in the long run!

purplecorkheart · 14/04/2022 15:23

I wouldn't ask your parents or let you dh either. If they were happy to do it they would have offered. Three kids can be a handful particularly when they do not know one of the children well.

Beamur · 14/04/2022 15:23

Your DH needs to make other arrangements. Maybe a school friend could do a reciprocal child care swap for another day?

tcjotm · 14/04/2022 15:25

Nope. If your parents already know the situation and haven’t offered, it’s clear they don’t want to.

Your DP will need to ring around their child’s friends parents and see if he can get an all day play date arranged. He’ll probably have to reciprocate some time too. Him, not you!

CrowAndArrow · 14/04/2022 15:27

Nope, I wouldn't be asking.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/04/2022 15:28

In your position I would speak to my parents, advise them of the situation and ask them, as a favour to me, not to offer or to agree to do it if my DH were to approach them directly. This is his mistake, his responsibility and he needs to deal with it. I would be keeping my head down and waiting to see how he chooses to sort out his problem.
He’ll be more careful next time.

MzHz · 14/04/2022 15:31

The fact that they know and have not offered means literally that they don’t want to/feel unable to take on 3 kids

Your h needs to either put this BACK on the child’s mum, or ask if his friends could have him for the day.

I’m so fed up of men dumping their fuck ups on other people, worse, women.

Original poster

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 15:33

I've told him he'll have to ask a friend's parents or something. Whether he has yet I've no idea!

Their mum is working too now I think.

OP posts:

familyissues12345 · 14/04/2022 15:34

I don't think it was a crime for your DH to ask if it was possible, but you know your parents, if you think they'll say yes but not really want to do it - then don't ask

AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2022 15:42

On the surface it doesn't seem a huge 'one time ask' if the DSC is well-behaved, but I'd be afraid it'd be the beginning of a slippery slope. One where your parents end up being part of 'default/last resort' childcare for the DSC or would then be expected to include him/her in all of their plans for your children.

I'd tell DH it was something that he and his exW need to work out between the two of them. His screw up with work is not your (nor your parent's) problem to solve. Step in today and you'll be expected to step in next time.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/04/2022 15:42

The way I see this is not a problem for either you OP or your parents to resolve.
The child in question already has a mum and a dad and the dad dropped the ball here. He needs to go back to his ex and say "Look, I have dropped the ball here. I can't look after our child on X day but can do the other ones I mentioned. Do you have any one that you could ask to look after our child on this one day?"

Your DH has a lot of making up to do. Firstly to the child in question here. They are being passed from pillar to post as a result of the parent messing up. Then to you and then to his ex and then to whomever he manages to get to look after the child here.

Silversurfer101 · 14/04/2022 15:42

I don’t think it’s fair to ask this of your parents. As others have said you wouldn’t expect DM’s parents to look after your child! Also, I’d be worried that this would create a precedent. I’m also a bit suspicious that your DH “messed up” on a day when he thought there seemed to be a very convenient back up option….but maybe I’m just too much of a skeptic!

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