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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Think this is really cheeky of DH - Opinions?

70 replies

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 14:50

DH agreed to cover some days this half term (next week) that would usually be exes. I wasn't aware of this until last couple of days. Usually I wouldn't care at all and would just leave him to it but he's screwed up with work and now can't take one of the days off.

Our DC together are going to my parents for a few days next week and they are taking them out to a few fun places. Very fortunate my DPs agree to help out occasionally, they are retired but still manage to keep up with our toddler!

DH keeps suggesting "innocently" that my parents could take DSC along with them for this day. How he doesn't think they'd mind and asking me to ask them.

AIBU to say no way. We're fortunate my parents help out with our young DC as it is and I don't feel it's fair to expect them to add SC to that mix too on a day out. I also think they'd say yes because they are too nice and would feel unable to say no rather than actually wanting to. I don't want to put that pressure on them.

My step child knows my parents but they aren't close, they don't have the same relationship with them as our DC.

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Original poster

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 15:45

@AcrossthePond55

On the surface it doesn't seem a huge 'one time ask' if the DSC is well-behaved, but I'd be afraid it'd be the beginning of a slippery slope. One where your parents end up being part of 'default/last resort' childcare for the DSC or would then be expected to include him/her in all of their plans for your children.

I'd tell DH it was something that he and his exW need to work out between the two of them. His screw up with work is not your (nor your parent's) problem to solve. Step in today and you'll be expected to step in next time.

This is my worry too. My parents really enjoy spending time with our DC. I don't want them to feel an obligation or that things must not include DSC etc. It's not the same relationship and that's okay imo.

OP posts:

Original poster

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 15:47

To be fair I do actually believe DH that he messed up and don't think he did anything on purpose because DC with our parents. He didn't even remember that until I told him as he asked me if I was working that day.

Exes parents are around, his aren't unfortunately, he can ask them.

OP posts:

bluebird3 · 14/04/2022 15:47

Some posters are being so harsh to your dh. Yeah, he made a mistake but if it was a one off surely you're a team and you would want to help him find a solution. I would ask my parents as a favour. Yeah they might not want to, but they can say no or agree as a one off favour to your dh. Maybe he can buy them dinner to make up for it? What is family for if not asking for help when you need it?

If your parents won't have them, can you take the day off and have all the children? Then have your parents watch your kids another day? Or could your parents just have dsc for half the day and then get a friend to pick him up for an afternoon play date? We all make mistakes and I would hope that if I had my Dh would be trying to help me find a solution.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2022 15:47

Good job saying no. He’s either trying to pull a fast one or he’s genuinely cocked up. Either way, he’s acting like other people owe him childcare and it’s a useful lesson for him to sort his own messes. Think how pleased he’ll be when he finds a solution all by himself

Original poster

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 15:48

No I can't take the day off it's too late notice now and I've been off this week already.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2022 15:49

PMSL at the effort other people are supposed to go to because an adult, an experienced parent, can’t keep on top of his diary and commitments.

Sally872 · 14/04/2022 15:50

No I wouldn't ask especially not on a planned day out taking other children completely changes the dynamic. If it was sitting in your house minding the kids while the older ones play with there own toys/watch tv etc I would consider asking as a last resort and a one off. But not to take them on a day out they have planned.

That said no idea what your dh's alternative is. I would be looking at sports clubs asap.

aloris · 14/04/2022 15:50

I would not ask your parents to help. Almost certainly, what will happen is that your parents will be overwhelmed and will be afraid to commit to helping you with childcare in the future, lest they have an unscheduled extra kid to mind that they know they won't be able to handle. You'd be sabotaging your own support system. That's not fair to you considering your dh, very likely, failed to pay attention to his childcare conflict because he assumed you, your parents, anybody but him, would have to handle the childcare for all his kids.

If you asked your parents to take DSC, dh would gain, his ex-wife would gain, but you would lose. That's not fair.

Norgie · 14/04/2022 15:52

No, I wouldn't be asking my parents.
If they do it once, he will expect it again.
He created the problem, he needs to find the solution.
He'll have to pull a sickie if needs be.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 15:53

Yes he's being cheeky to push it, he needs to accept your judgment that you don't want to ask them.

He will need to find another solution.

MzHz · 14/04/2022 16:01

Tell h to look at holiday clubs - that’s what’s the rest of us working parents do when there’s nobody to watch dc..

Prudencia · 14/04/2022 16:07

My parents would have done it in a heartbeat. In turn, my husband always helped them as they got older. He mowed lawns, fetched and carried and always stepped in if I was working and they had a hospital appointment. We are a team, my family would do anything to help him and vise versa.

TryingToBeLogical · 14/04/2022 16:14

I’m a step child myself so I’m sensitive to this type of thing. But in this situation, the answer should clearly be no. You don’t need to sneak around prearranging responses with your parents, or anything like that. Just simply tell your husband what you have explained here. it’s rude to ask, makes it harder for them, and changes the dynamic.
The “hinting” would bother me because it indicates he’s possibly not particularly honest and likes to use informal methods of applying pressure. If he screwed up and needed help, it would be so much more mature to ask openly.
I agree that men often don’t see a need to be proactive about childcare. My husband is the same way, it’s very important you establish a pattern where he feels equally responsible to plan ahead. Otherwise things like this will likely just keep happening, because he knows someone will fix the problem.

Original poster

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 16:14

@Prudencia

And my parents help him by having our joint DC when we can't.

OP posts:

CookiesNookie · 14/04/2022 16:26

I am the ex-wife and I have two DDs with my exH. He now has a 7-month-old DS with his fiance. I must admit that his fiance's parents are brilliant with our children. In the event that I needed to be somewhere and it fell on my weekend with my girls I have asked exH to have them which he has done but if he can't his fiance will let me know and say that her parents wouldn't mind having them. To the point that they have a great relationship with her parents and now that the baby is there they are still included. Her parents have come to my house to pick the girls up on his weekend as well when they are held up somewhere. I do believe it depends on the adults in children's lives who make things work. I had the worst break up ever with my cheating ex but 7 years down the line I initially and then we have continuosly put our children first. The girls don't have parents continously arguing and we sit down and discuss matters that come up. He still has ways to rile me up I just choose my battles and the girls know that we are united & they cannot ever play us against each other. I do not have family here so either his parents her parents or my partner's mum help out when needed.

NorthSouthcatlady · 14/04/2022 16:28

No, just no. He agreed to the days so he can cover them

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 16:32

@CookiesNookie @Prudencia As much as stories like that are nice, they don't really have any bearing on the fact that not all step parents families have this relationship with the SC and that's perfectly fine and for them to decide.

FairyCakeWings · 14/04/2022 16:36

It would be incredibly cheeky to ask your parents, he will have to find a different solution.

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2022 16:47

I agree with you OP.

You made these plans without dsc in mind, for your dc to spend time with their grandparents. On a day when they were supposed to be with their mum. I do think it’s important to stick to that. Your parents are probably prepared for a day to focus on small children, and adding older children will change the whole dynamics of the day. It will.

Your children should be able to have special times with their grandparents on their own without dsc.

This is not your parents’ problem to solve. Your DH should find an alternative solution. Holiday clubs maybe?

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2022 16:56

If your parents won't have them, can you take the day off and have all the children? Then have your parents watch your kids another day?

That would be really unfair for the op, her parents and her dc to do all the compromising. They’ve made plans!

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 17:01

Thing is I'd just rather neither of us ask. I know my parents and I know they'd have offered if it's something they wanted to do (they know about this situation). If we ask they will say yes but because they won't feel able to say no. given this then no, don't ask them. They are aware of the situation. DH will have to call in sick if he can't find anyone else.

Blendiful · 14/04/2022 17:01

I wouldn’t call it cheeky exactly but I wouldn’t be happy about it either.

My DM often has my DC, always has done since they were small, took time off to help in holidays, took them out, sleepovers etc. they are too old to need ‘childcare’ as such now, but she has taken one of my DSC out a couple of times with my DC. DSC is impeccably well behaved and DM offered. However it does change dynamics a bit. My DM also likes to spend time with just my DC (her DGC) and they have a very close relationship. So she will often take them out on a night DSC isn’t here to do that.

My DP’s parents are the same, we spend time all together and DP’s DD is very good with my youngest DC as they have a shared interest and he will sometimes take DSC and DC to do things. But his parents likes to spend time with their DGC alone too.

I think it they are aware of the situation and haven’t offered, then you shouldn’t ask; as likely they don’t want to. 3 children is alot to manage and it’s also pressure having a child you don’t really know well. If DH has offered to have his DC it’s up to him to sort out childcare or take the day off himself to cover it.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 17:02

If your parents won't have them, can you take the day off and have all the children? Then have your parents watch your kids another day? really bizarre suggestion. Why should OP have to take the day off?! Her kids are sorted.

ilovemyboys3 · 14/04/2022 17:45

I would tell your partner that you don't feel able to a ask your parents and it's too much to ask. They have their own mum and grandparents and family that should be asked and maybe as an absolute last resort but otherwise it's not fair to ask.

SandyY2K · 14/04/2022 17:58

All day is too much for your parents and SC, as they don't know each other that well.

Let him find a solution. I hate when men do that thing of 'innocently asking' like it's no big deal.

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