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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Think this is really cheeky of DH - Opinions?

70 replies

PullTheOther1ne · 14/04/2022 14:50

DH agreed to cover some days this half term (next week) that would usually be exes. I wasn't aware of this until last couple of days. Usually I wouldn't care at all and would just leave him to it but he's screwed up with work and now can't take one of the days off.

Our DC together are going to my parents for a few days next week and they are taking them out to a few fun places. Very fortunate my DPs agree to help out occasionally, they are retired but still manage to keep up with our toddler!

DH keeps suggesting "innocently" that my parents could take DSC along with them for this day. How he doesn't think they'd mind and asking me to ask them.

AIBU to say no way. We're fortunate my parents help out with our young DC as it is and I don't feel it's fair to expect them to add SC to that mix too on a day out. I also think they'd say yes because they are too nice and would feel unable to say no rather than actually wanting to. I don't want to put that pressure on them.

My step child knows my parents but they aren't close, they don't have the same relationship with them as our DC.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Whingasaurus · 14/04/2022 18:01

I'm a grandparent who does regular weekly child care for three sets of my dgc. It's a very long day looking after children particularly if it's to the pyjama stage. I'd want to say no but would perhaps feel pressured to say yes but at 58 I'm a young grandma and 3 all day would be too much far too much. I really don't think you should ask he will have to sort it himself. I'm stopping one set of childcare as I feel the regular adding bits on, changing home time, being late is wearing me down and if I were you I wouldn't rock this boat.

SandyY2K · 14/04/2022 18:03

@CookiesNookie

That sounds like a good situation you all have. His fiancée's parents sound like lovely people.

OhamIreally · 14/04/2022 18:26

@AndAsIfByMagic

Of course you can't ask. DH is very rude t o even ask. If he can't do it then the DM will have to have DSC.

Not your or your parents' problem.

Why would it be the DM's problem to sort out though? I don't understand why people think that way?

It's his problem to sort out, just because he can't do it doesn't mean it defaults back to the mother to sort.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 18:29

*Why would it be the DM's problem to sort out though? I don't understand why people think that way?

It's his problem to sort out, just because he can't do it doesn't mean it defaults back to the mother to sort.*

Because the days were originally supposed to be hers. I'd agree if they were always his, but this is a bit different, and I'd say it's totally fair enough to go back to her and say he can't get the time off after all and does she have any other possible solutions.

WimpoleHat · 14/04/2022 18:33

Absolutely not your parents’ problem to sort. He should definitely be asking his ex’s parents (ie the child’s actual grandparents) and/or sorting something else out. Not fair at all on your parents; completely changes the dynamic of their time with their grandchildren.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 18:42

It's his problem to sort out, just because he can't do it doesn't mean it defaults back to the mother to sort. it does if he can't sort it out and is incapable of ensuring they are looked after. She is mum 100% of the time.

andweallsingalong · 14/04/2022 18:57

Sounds like he needs to book a holiday club or sort other childcare...

LemonSqueezy0 · 14/04/2022 19:09

🤣Love the suggestion that the OP takes a day off, cancels her DCs trip with their grandparents, and deprives them all of a lovely day out, all to sort out DH's childcare issue. Good one.

DH needs to sort this. It doesn't work asking your parents to take them as it sounds like they would have offered if they wanted to, plus how can it be a one off? It would either be "ohhh they had such a lovely time last time, why not do it again" or it is a one off and Step Child wonders what they did wrong, to be invited in, then 'excluded' (talking about their perception, I don't believe the OPs parents owe them anything tbh)

DH needs to learn that this is the reality of juggling childcare, and either manage his diary with more dedication or not say yes to extra time if he doesn't have a plan a and b in place.

needmorethanthis · 14/04/2022 19:12

This is his problem to solve. Not yours. Don’t facilitate him.

IncompleteSenten · 14/04/2022 19:16

Your parents know the situation. Don't put them in the awkward position of having to decline. The fact they haven't offered is a crystal clear message.

Your husband needs to take care of this.

altiara · 14/04/2022 19:41

Are there any local holiday clubs DSC can go to? That’s what working parents often use in holiday times.

Sally872 · 14/04/2022 19:52

@NotTheOW

The mother sorted out childcare by asking father to agree. He is also father 100% of the time and this is now his day. Of course he could explain to exW and see if she can get day off but I guess she can't which is why she asked originally. That said it is not OP or her parents problem to sort either.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 20:01

The mother sorted out childcare by asking father to agree. He is also father 100% of the time and this is now his day. this is true they need to sort it out between them. There's two parents they need to sort it out between them forgetting whose 'day it is'.

mathanxiety · 14/04/2022 20:01

To be fair I do actually believe DH that he messed up and don't think he did anything on purpose because DC with our parents. He didn't even remember that until I told him as he asked me if I was working that day.

This actually makes it more likely that he asked for fewer days off than he needed because he assumed you would just take DSC.

And the way he didn't tell you about the arrangement until very recently makes me suspicious too. It makes it easier for him to pressure you into taking the DSC for the day on grounds that it's really difficult to make alternative arrangements for the DSC since the problem day is almost upon everyone.

Starseeking · 14/04/2022 21:45

@LemonSqueezy0

🤣Love the suggestion that the OP takes a day off, cancels her DCs trip with their grandparents, and deprives them all of a lovely day out, all to sort out DH's childcare issue. Good one.

DH needs to learn that this is the reality of juggling childcare, and either manage his diary with more dedication or not say yes to extra time if he doesn't have a plan a and b in place.

I agree with all of this.

Don't risk potentially sabotaging your own support system (your DPs may worry about being seen as additional emergency childcare for SDC in future), for an issue your DH has created.

Your DH needs to come up with a solution, even if it means taking a day off work unpaid, as a last resort (if his employer won't authorise annual leave).

LadyCluck · 15/04/2022 19:25

YANBU - this is for him to resolve with the ex.

Also speaking from experience, if your parents step in and help this once it’ll be expected again…. and again…. and again.

Magda72 · 15/04/2022 19:32

This is between dh & his ex op. It has nothing to do with your dp's & in NO way should they be dragged in to this. I thinks it's astonishingly cheeky of him give they are retirees & it's his mess.

LemonDrizzles · 16/04/2022 08:47

Is it too late to book a holiday camp?

Bellyups · 16/04/2022 08:51

Nope, wouldn’t be asking parents to help out with SC as well as DC. This is for your DH to sort

Original poster

PullTheOther1ne · 16/04/2022 09:23

Thank you! I've not asked them. I think he's trying to arrange something with one of their friends or exes parents might be helping.

OP posts:

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