Not cooking nice meals for DSC anymore

[Juggle42]

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm so fed up of this situation.

My SC is 10 and is so fussy still with what they eat. Just to confirm there are no SEN issues. But his parents are not strict at all with food and getting him to try things and so if something isn't beige and bland he'll moan and turn his nose up.

I tend to do 99% of the cooking in our home and I try to make a variety of things. I'm not suggesting he has to like everything but it's literally a case of if it's not chicken nuggets or pizza then he'll have a face on him like a slapped arse and complain the entire time, pick out everything he doesn't 'like' which is essentially anything remotely healthy.

I'm so sick of spending time cooking nice meals just to have to silently seethe the entire meal time about his whinging and the wasted food too.

I'm seriously considering just doing him chicken nuggets and chips in the oven every night whilst we eat what I cook in peace because it's making me resent cooking for him.

There are other DC who seem to manage fine eating what I cook.

Those saying just give him what he wants, he knows what he likes are missing the point. When he gets to 14 and is drinking will you have this attitude? Or wants to go to bed at 2am after gaming all evening?

Beige food is highly addictive and bad for health
Children of 10 should not be allowed to dictate what the family eats and should not see the preparer (normally a woman) as someone who is just there to do what they want when they want
Years ago beige food did not exist, children had to try different food and therefore learnt about taste and texture and what they didn't like. By not trying foods they will never develop this skill and will not learn how to feed themselves
Why should the OP prepare extra stuff and compromise her values for a 10 year old?

I would carry on cooking as you are but put a firm stop to the complaining. Serve up smaller portions to minimise waste. Whilst I think the option of having a simple alternative they prepare is good, who cleans up the mess and what about other dc who don't have this option?

Yep cereal and nuggets then

I can see why putting some extra food that you know he definitely will eat into the oven while you cook for everyone else seems the best solution, then! It’s sad that he’s babied so much, it won’t be good for him. He’s at an important stage for starting to feel proud of his abilities. That he can do stuff.

Is he older by quite a bit than the other children? You might be able to harness that to make it work for you and for him.

Beige v. healthy had me thinking long term. It was a lot of work to slowly introduce healthy choices. The day we took MIL out to a lovely restaurant and one of the DSC picked a whole fish with bones - and then ate it without complaint - was one of the proudest moments in my life (I was also drop dead stunned!)

They are going to have a long life of working ahead, with much less access to state benefits if their health fails. I've been (a bit of a nag, to be honest) reiterating the importance of good food to good mental health.

I feel your pain on this. I spent a long time gradually introducing different vegetables to SD over a number of years to the point where she went from eating only pasta and sweets to eating almost everything. For other reasons I then went nacho and told DH he needed to take responsibility for her health and hygiene etc as it is not my place to do so. Now I cook healthy meals and because neither parent kept up the expectations about mealtimes, she picks her favourite bit out of dishes and hasn't eaten a vegetable in a long time. It is really frustrating as I also have a toddler who is starting to copy. I will continue to make balanced meals as it's important for their health, and I know she can eat healthy food just fine, she just turns her nose up as she is allowed. It is both worrying and exhausting. I do think that regardless of what he eats, though, rudeness is totally unacceptable. Perhaps discuss that boundary with your DP to enforce.

@Juggle42

We've tried all the speeches about healthy eating etc..

I appreciate it would be pandering but honestly it's more just about me not wanting to listen to the moaning anymore. If what it takes for me not to have to listen to it anymore is bunging some crap in the oven then fine.

And no, I'm past caring if he's healthy or not to be perfectly honest.

I cook because I'm at home most, DH usually isn't home until around tea time.

Ban the moaning.

SC can eat what you serve or make themselves toast. But moaning and eye rolling is just bad manners and the behaviour of a five year old.

Give SC a drawer in the freezer, put crap in it, they can put it in the oven 30 mins before you are due to eat. If they don't then tough.

They are going to have a long life of working ahead, with much less access to state benefits if their health fails. I've been (a bit of a nag, to be honest) reiterating the importance of good food to good mental health.

I don’t agree with this. I had a range of beige only through to would eat/try anything and everything. Even as a really busy 2 working parent family it wasn’t hard to accomodate (hint - a night when you cook something all will eat, make 10x as much and fill freezer with individual portions). Half the time it was pretty easy to accomodate the chicken nugget brigade, while cooking the meal just chop some chicken into chunks, crumb and toss into oven with hand cut potato chips, takes 5min and you can time steps between other things you have to do for main meal.

Some made their way out of the beige phase and joined the rest of the world with eating habits as tweens, others not until late teens, other from the beginning. Yet, all we’re eating varied, healthy food/meals by 20yo odd. Should add, none were fat kids etc, those that were fussy/picky/beige were thin, energetic, healthy and all became adults well aware of nutritional requirements who ate extremely varied, healthy, well balanced meals.

Half the time it was pretty easy to accomodate the chicken nugget brigade, while cooking the meal just chop some chicken into chunks, crumb and toss into oven with hand cut potato chips, takes 5min and you can time steps between other things you have to do for main meal.

Call me lazy but this sounds like quite a lot of effort to me 😂

I wouldn't go that far on top of cooking another meal.

Seriously choose your battles.

You say you cook something nice every night. But he clearly does not agree with your definition of nice. Just cook what he'll eat and be done with it.

If he's anything like my kids, he'll see what's on the other plates and want it when he can't have it.

DS was very fussy when younger. He just naturally got better as he got older.

Personally I'd just do whatever was least fuss for you. IMHO that's bunging in the chicken nuggets and serving them with whatever vegetables you're having, rather than carrying all this resentment towards the DSC.

Just stop doing 99% of the cooking, just do it when DSC isn't there and let DP cater to him.

I wouldn't bother with nuggets. I agree that you're not running a restaurant. Personally, I'd put some bread, cheese and ham on the table and if DSS doesn't like the hot option, he can make himself a sandwich.

The rudeness and moaning is unacceptable, but we really need to stop equating picky eating with bad behaviour.

I was a very picky eater until around the age of 18 - strong flavours and smells made me feel nauseous and I ate "beige" foods for every meal. Somehow I grew out of it and now I eat anything, but I still remember being punished by adults for not being able to cope with anything more. I have no SEN, like the vast majority of selective eaters.

You are only thinking about what a pain it is for you, rather thinking about the stress that he's going through, knowing that he has to deal with letting you know, yet again, that he can't eat the food you prepared. Stop piling his plate with food he won't eat - ask him beforehand and get DH to make him a toastie or a sandwich if he doesn't want what you have cooked and you'll all be happier.

Yes it’s true it’s not bad behaviour in and of itself (although it can be of course depending on the child, and on the circumstances).

When my children were small I thought well, I certainly don’t force myself to eat foods I can’t stand so I’m not going to force them to eat things they hate! They have no control whatsoever in the situation and IMO it’s cruel to routinely make children eat things they really can’t stomach for whatever reason.

Luckily mine weren’t extremely fussy to the point that I was concerned about their health (I can totally understand that for many parents it’s very hard to remain sanguine about it if their child genuinely only ever wants beige food and/or will only eat a handful of things), and although one was much less adventurous than the other she still ate a wide variety of things and sure enough now that she’s an adult she’ll eat pretty much everything.

However, mine were not ever rude, ungrateful, disparaging about meals I’d cooked or otherwise impolite. I wouldn’t have stood for that, and so they only ever politely asked that they please not have any of X or could they have Y instead and so on. Which meant that I was prepared to make allowances.

He's 10, there's a limited number of ways to politely express that you don't want to eat what is on offer.

I taught DS to say it looked lovely but he wasn't very hungry if he was offered something he didn't like at a friends house, but that's easy enough for one meal, not several at what is meant to be the DSSs second home.

The most important thing at this point- more important than broadening Dss taste buds - is to stop making each meal a battleground. OP hates it and you can be sure for DSS it's a big worry as well.
If that means allowing him to make a sandwich or putting some frozen nuggets in the oven, then that's what I'd do.

It's what my Dcousin ended up doing for her two youngest DSCs. It upset her as she thinks she is a good cook, but ultimately if the DPs aren't bothered enough to do something about it, then don't make it your problem.

I’d go with the nuggets and pizzas for him. Our youngest was very fussy. Living away at university now, veggie stir fries and cauliflower/brocolli cheese are favourites. Some just take time.

Just get his dad to give him what he will eat. He's not your kid, not your problem.

@Alittlepotofrosie Dad is not around at dinner time. Really this can be solved with minimal effort.

Why does the parent not pre-prepare food for his child? And why has he failed to install basic manners? Shit parenting, allowing a 10 yr old to be so rude. The parents have caused this, so get them to find solutions.

Whoever is choosing to make 4 different dishes per dinner- you know you don’t have to live like that, right?

I guess I wouldn't be happy if I was 10 years old and had to have frequent meals that I disliked with an adult who clearly doesn't like me without the parent that I'm meant to be there to see.

All this angst. Just buy the nuggets and bung them in the oven. Job done. Everyone will be a lot more relaxed.

Yes

Uhm...my iPad died and posted this whilst I was still trying to write.

I agree keep it very simple and if he really isn’t going to eat anything else (and if getting him to make himself something simple to eat isn’t feasible), then I do agree, this shouldn’t be a battlefield and OP should do what makes it easiest for her so she won’t be annoyed/resent the child.

@Juggle42 you would definitely not be unreasonable to just make him what you know he will eat. Let us know how it goes! I hope you’ll feel better without this added stress and hopefully he will relax too.

just chop some chicken into chunks, crumb and toss into oven with hand cut potato chips, takes 5min and you can time steps between other things you have to do for main meal

'Just' do what now??

Fuck me, I'm not Jamie Oliver on bloody speed. I'm a normal working mother who's knackered more often than not and can just about get a pasta marinara together.

DP can fuss over his son's crap diet.

Ds2 was fussy but this was due to a health issue from when he was younger so understandable and we didn't want to end up with food avoidance.

We didn't want meal times to be a battle, there were certain things he would eat and he did eat a variety of proteins, healthy fats, carbohydrates etc he would eat hidden veg pasta sauce, eggs, cheese, chicken, ham, freshly made smoothies with fruit in and some veg at times and had a multi-vitamin chewy tablet etc but for new foods he was reluctant to try and had a strong gag reflex.

The rule was he had to eat 1 teaspoon of whatever dinner we were having as a family then we would bring through his accepted and wanted meals. The teaspoon was to get him used to textures and flavours, it was small enough that it was manageable for him, there was no conversation about it at the table, but the expectation was laid out in advance. He was 5 though and this went on for a couple of years. If we had tacos he would eat the wrap and sour cream, but no taco mince, no cheese, no salsa, no lettuce etc but he was eating part of the meal so we stayed silent on the matter. Plus he was at the table with us.

Now he is almost 16, eats everything and anything, willing to try all new foods. I would try the same approach with your step child, one bite of whatever you are having then he gets his chicken nuggets. Tell him in advance that you know this isn't going to be the best meal ever and even if it was he probably wouldn't admit it but one bite and then he gets the meal he will eat.

Jamie Oliver on Speed