Not cooking nice meals for DSC anymore

[Juggle42]

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm so fed up of this situation.

My SC is 10 and is so fussy still with what they eat. Just to confirm there are no SEN issues. But his parents are not strict at all with food and getting him to try things and so if something isn't beige and bland he'll moan and turn his nose up.

I tend to do 99% of the cooking in our home and I try to make a variety of things. I'm not suggesting he has to like everything but it's literally a case of if it's not chicken nuggets or pizza then he'll have a face on him like a slapped arse and complain the entire time, pick out everything he doesn't 'like' which is essentially anything remotely healthy.

I'm so sick of spending time cooking nice meals just to have to silently seethe the entire meal time about his whinging and the wasted food too.

I'm seriously considering just doing him chicken nuggets and chips in the oven every night whilst we eat what I cook in peace because it's making me resent cooking for him.

There are other DC who seem to manage fine eating what I cook.

I stopped cooking meals for my EX DSS who only wanted beige food, or things cooked in a certain way when he tried to give me orders about how to make a meal (learnt from his father).

The response I got from my DP at the time was that it was because I hated his DS, and wouldn't treat my biological DC (I didn't have any at the time) as such.

I've now left them all behind, and my EXDP can see why I was saying regarding pandering to his DS in that way, but it's his problem now

You have to not let them know that it bothers you in any way. You need to try and pretend you don't care. They could be consciously or unconsciously using as a stick to beat you with.

I like the poster's idea about asking them to at least try the dinner.

@Lorw

OP, I’m the same, I have the pickiest SC, all with different tastes so I make 4 different meals every meal time as there’s nothing they will all eat, there’s some SEN involved so it’s not like I can say I’m not doing it, I do the meal planning/cooking.

I wrote a piss-take post earlier about all the things SMs are expected to do - and then I read this. I really wasn't exaggerating much!

Serve up your normal family meal and if he complains tell him there’s beige food in the freezer and he can cook something else if he prefers

I have a stepson like this and I just won’t tolerate it. I’m not running a restaurant, there is no menu, there is no option B.

I cook whatever I’m cooking that night and it gets put on the table and of it doesn’t get eaten then tough. I work full-time running a business and work 7 days a week. I’m not spending my evenings dicking about making a personalised meal for everyone.

The face-pulling and the rude comments get shut down immediately with a stern, “X, we’ve talked about this before. It is extremely rude to complain about food that someone else has taken the time to prepare for you when you’re a guest in their home. If you don’t like it, then don’t eat it, but I’ll warn you now it’s a long time until breakfast time”.

To be fair he’s a great lad in ever other aspect but the food nonsense is one thing I absolutely won’t tolerate and I’ve had that attitude with him from day one so he’s slowly cottoned on that I’m not a pushover. On days that he’s being particularly arsey about food and wanders into the kitchen to complain about it before I’ve even served up, I just hold my hand up and say, “X, I don’t care. It’s not up for discussion”.

I love my stepkids but there’s a fine line between loving/caring for them and just out and out pandering.

@CornishGem1975

My DSC are really fussy. I circumnavigate this situation by making my DH prepare all their meals. I cook for us and my DC.

Seriously? So you are basically 2 separate families co sharing a house. What a dreadful way to operate and a shit message to the DCs.

This isn't even a stepchild issue. It's a parenting issue and is easily dealt with.

You dish up meal of your choice to whole family whether that is cooked by you or your DH. Child either eats all of it, eats none of it or eats some of it. No fuss is made or comment given. Whinging ignored.

Child offered toast or plain cereal later on if still hungry.

The more fuss that is made, the harder it becomes.

As for refusing to make meals for the child whilst cooking for others in the family... I can't people are seriously suggesting this. What a nasty thing to do to a child who is already "othered" in the house on the basis of being a stepchild. I'm surprised people haven't suggested refusing to let the child get down from the table until every morsel is eaten or serving it up cold for breakfast the next day. Some proper old school parenting eh?

I went to a lot of effort to accommodate mine. Didn't do separate meals, but put lots of time and trouble in to find acceptable versions. (Allergies, textures, aversions). I was blessed with sufficient time, but getting the food right is probably the main reason we pulled through and I have a decent relationship with my younger DSCs.

As for refusing to make meals for the child whilst cooking for others in the family... I can't people are seriously suggesting this. What a nasty thing to do to a child who is already "othered" in the house on the basis of being a stepchild they are othering themselves by pulling faces and making a fuss about the food on offer.

Just give him the nuggets and chips, offer him fruit afterwards (and a daily multi-vitamin) and take the stress away from yourself and everyone else (most importantly, your DSS)

He deserves to feel comfortable in his own home ( which it should feel like, if only part-time) and not to be forced to eat food he doesn’t like, however good a cook you are.

I have a DD who lives on a completely beige diet (mainly weetabix some days). We just get on with it, there is other food on offer, which she sometimes asks to try. I was the same until about age 18, then suddenly I was able to tolerate different foods.

they are othering themselves by pulling faces and making a fuss about the food on offer.

Mmm. It can be politics between the families or the children giving a message that they are unhappy with the relationship. Mine refused food when they didn't like a previous GF of DH's. But if they've been raised beige for years, I can imagine it taking years to transition to healthy.

Just give him food he likes.

Fussy eating of this sort is almost guaranteed to have been caused by not offering a varied diet during weaning/as a toddler. Making a fuss will only make it worse.

At every meal, you pick what is served but make sure there are at least two things that you know he likes. If he picks out vegetables or whatever it’s fine, don’t comment.

Just give him what he wants, he’s 10 he knows what he dose and dosnt like. You don’t have to eat what he eats. My DCs would live off chicken nuggets and pizza and for the most part they do, I give them what I know they will eat, I don’t see any point battling them or wasting food.

All 3 will also eat different things so meal time will go like this, find one food in common (sausages), one dosnt like mash so will have fries, another has dairy intolerance so I pull some spuds out to mash separately, all will eat Yorkshire puds, 2 don’t eat veg but one prefers more veg than sausage or mash, one gets 1-2 small slices of carrots to try and eat or take at least 1 bite, the other will nibble at a tiny bit of baby corn for me. I’m happy they have eaten a full meal and shown “willing” I use the word loosely, to try some veg. Chicken nuggets and pizza are dished up at least once a week. If DH was in charge they would have 2min noodles every day and they wouldn’t complain.

We regularly have tapas nights or what I call freezer cleaners and I will pull all the odds and ends out of the freezer and cook everything up. On these nights I make sure there is a variety of foods, new ones to try plus plenty of something I know the DCs will eat, guaranteed there will be chicken nuggets. The deal is they have to try one new thing, if they don’t like it that’s fine there is still plenty to eat, but there is never any pressure, they choose what they try, even if it gets spit out, they gave it a go.

I will also introduce new foods my cooking something separate for DH and myself, kids will have their pizzas. While eating we will offer the DCs to try some of ours, sometimes it’s a yes and they end up eating some of our food, sometimes it’s a no. But, there is no fighting or wasting food, they just go back to their pizza.

I absolutely hated being forced to eat foods I didn’t want as a child, it’s stayed with me my entire life, I still refuse certain foods because I can’t get past bad experiences when I was a kid being forced to eat them. My DH is the same.

Maybe what you need to go is get creative and giving him what he wants and show willing that his tastes matter.

A lot of these ideas are great but I'm really not wanting to create extra work for myself bar buying a big multi bag of nuggets and chucking them in the oven every night.

He's a very young 10. There's no way he could even make a piece of toast let alone cook something himself. His parents baby him ridiculously. I've given up caring or trying to get involved.

@AliceMcK that sounds like an absolute pain in the backside and not something I'd be willing to do if DSC's own parent isn't bothered

@Juggle42 I agree. If DSC's own parents aren't bothered then don't you worry about it. If you're left to cook dinner then I'd just make clear it's what the rest of the family are eating or nuggets, what would he prefer.

Can he butter bread or pour cereal?

How often is he with you?

@OutingHobby

Can he butter bread or pour cereal?

He can just about pour cereal. Buttering bread maybe.

Does he have co-ordination issues?

@toomuchlaundry

Does he have co-ordination issues?

No he's just never been made to do anything for himself.

How old are the other DC?

I used to get frustrated by my DSC's limited eating. Then I had my kids! DC1 is fine but DC2 is way fussier than my DSC. I agree it does take the joy out of cooking but all the healthy eating speeches etc won't, IME, make a jot of difference to a fussy eater. We can only hope some of the message gets through so they make better choices when they are older.

I refuse to do entirely separate meals. I cook what the rest of us want but always include something on the plate that DC2 will eat. So if we have fish, I'll serve it with plain rice and carrots which she will eat. Or if I make soup, I serve it with plenty of bread. Sometimes I will cook her one additional thing to be served with the same sides, eg I might make her an omelette if we are having gammon.

It is frustrating but I think particularly given that your DSC is not with you all the time try not to get too worked up about it. Continue to cook things you and the others enjoy but just make sure there is something he can eat so he isn't hungry.

Cereal or nuggets it is then

If you're willing to go as far as cooking him the nuggets and chips he wants, then I would just make him the toast or cereal instead. I don't buy the excuse that at 10 he knows what he likes and it's fine for him to only eat nuggets and not eat vegetables etc. Lots of kids would only eat nuggets and chips if they could get away with it.

There is bad behaviour and bad attitude involved in this kind of thing, as much as people like to claim it's just a perfectly reasonable example of him exerting his tastes. So whilst you can't force him to eat something, he shouldn't just get what he wants instead.